The Whole Thing Is Surreal
by self-piercing
Summary: Ino's life is turned up-side-down when she becomes famous over night. Her new life is getting too much for her to handle. Her life isn't as great as everybody thinks. Sex, drugs and drama
1. Tourist

"The whole thing is surreal, it always has been! I'm receiving death threats, its fucking crazy!" Ino was talking to a reporter from some paper. It had only been three months since she had joined the band The Frets. Some people looked down on her since she had joined the group right after they had broken through. Most of them were just jealous girls; she did get to hang around Jules after all.

"So you mean that people don't like you? Are you thinking about stepping out?" The reporter shoved her microphone in my face. Dying to get a memorable quote, to get a scoop. "No, or some people despise me. I hate that. It kills the music, it kills me! It's not my fault I got asked to join after the first record, and it's not like I go around fucking Jules every day!" The reporter was nodding; maybe she was happy about something I had said. I hadn't said too much, had i? "I'm not even attracted to him!" Was I digging? "So you mean that… That he's ugly?" They all twist the words I'm saying, I was so sick of it! "No, what I'm saying is that he's not what I'm looking for. I would take him home for one night, then throw him out the next morning and cry!" I knew right there that I had fucked it up. She didn't ask another question. Fucked!

I went to my hotel room, wondering how bad the damage was. I felt like crying so I screamed into a pillow. I was extremely happy nobody had seen me on the way home. Sometimes I regret ever meeting Jules. Jules was the male vocalist. All the shallow people care about the vocalist. People can always name the vocalist in a famous band, never the rest. Is there any hope for humanity?

I called to order something to eat. Humus tapas. My eating habits had been called quirky, unnaturally odd and diva like. Too bad I had been eating the same thing for five years. Nobody cared about that. I ate alone; the rest of the band was out looking at the city. I knew it too well, I grew up here. Paris, I don't hate it, nor do I like it. I had gotten away just in time. Paris didn't represent anything good in my eyes. I drank more of the wine bottle than I ate. I had been eating less and less. I was getting worried. Worried that I would fall into bad habits again. I would have to think about it over a cigarette. I went out the workers entrance.

As I had been told by my PR agent I found a video camera. My mission was to walk around for an hour filming stuff. Random stuff, I just had to make something worth watching. I brought with me two tapes, one for myself, one for him. I got on a bus heading for my old home, if you would like to call it so. It hadn't changed much. It was outside the city. The apple tree I used to spend my days reading under was still there. I turned on the camera. "This is the childhood home of Ino Dubois, or me if you like. I lived here from I was brought up and ran away at the age of 14. The second window to the left used to be my room." I walked up to the door. "Let's see if anybody wants to let me in. It looks kinda empty though." I knocked waited, knocked some more. The door was open so I let myself in. "Hello?" I tried to sound brave, but I didn't like being back here. The house was mostly empty and dusty, nobody lived there anymore. I went down to the basement. "It was here I learned to play on a stolen guitar. I still feel sort of bad about that… And yes, it was fairly easy stealing a guitar. My stepdad used to take me down here to yell at me." I walked to the end of the basement, not that it was that big. "Then he would lock me in here. After I stopped eating for a while I got skinny enough to climb through here. He never found out, I wouldn't have been here if he did." I got down and taped the small went hole. I started crying it was so small. "I'm just so scared 'cause I'm not eating anymore… and that, that's not human. How could I ever have fitted through there?" I got up and went up the stairs again. I went to my brother's room. "This used to be my brothers room. Yeah, I have a brother. Or I hope he's still out there. He always used to take care of me. I always wanted to hang with him and his friends. He didn't want them, said they were bad. He was right; one of them nailed me against my will when I was 12. My sick mind thought it was normal." I ran over to my room. I found my secret hiding place. "Every kid with a messed up life needs one of these." I pulled out a Barbie doll, some coins and a book. "Ah, Frankenstein! It always amazed me how he could create a monster out of loneliness, loneliness is a monster. My stepfather used to beat me. It wasn't the classic kid gets beaten up and raped by alcoholic stepdad. My mother used to take part in it too, and he never touched me. Never, made me feel like there was something wrong with me. That I wasn't good enough for him to touch. Sometimes I wonder if it hadn't been better if he had, but it's something I try not to think of anymore." I went around the house taping important parts. Then I went back to shoot the real movie. The one I could show to people.

I started with the Eiffel tower. "I wonder how much power it takes to knock it down. Once I fell asleep around here somewhere, so the police had to drive me home. Mom was not happy!" I gave a laugh, fake. Mom locked me in my room, thankfully it wasn't the basement. I ate some bread. Felt sick, turned off the camera and threw it back up. Blamed stress for the time being. "Okay, since some people have started calling me a stupid blond whore, I'm going to dye my hair light brown. That way I'll only be a stupid whore! See you at the concert tonight!" I hadn't been kidding. I was tired of being called innocent and an angel just because of my hair. I was far from both of them. People had mostly kept away until I came to my hotel. Should have taken the back door. I fished out a cigarette. This might take a while.

"Ino! I'm from VoxPop, how are you liking France?" Another microphone in my face. "It hasn't changed much since last time." I started walking around signing stuff, trying to be polite to the fans. "What have you been doing in France?" She had to say France all the fucking time, like I didn't know where I was. "You know, the normal… Scoring drugs, drinking heavily and just now I was out looking for some male prostitutes." The reporter wasn't sure if she should laugh or not. "Do you really need to pay prostitutes with your looks?" I hoped she got that it was a joke. "They got to earn a living too you know, but on the other hand I'm the only girl in the band. You know what; I don't have time to talk anymore. Have a nice day!" She kept on talking. I took some pictures with whoever wanted it and ran inside. The whole thing took almost an hour."

"Oh yes! Oh yes Nick! Let's not stop having gay sex all over her bed!" I'm guessing they got my room key somewhere. I walked in without knocking. To no surprise both Nick and Jules was fully dressed. "Your femininity broke our mood," Nike spoke. "That's too sad." I sat down between them on the bed. "What's up pussy cat?" asked Jules slapping my thigh. "I hate the world, and the world hates me!" I lay down. "We missed you today. We saw French things." I screamed. They ignored it, they had gotten used to my sudden mood changes. I took three minutes to calm down. "I'm just so tired of this, I just wanna die!" Nick got up and left without a word. Jules lay down beside me. "That wouldn't be any fun." I let out a sigh. I was tired of this, after only three months. I wasn't made for this. I wasn't meant to be here. "I don't think I can handle this. Everybody loves or hates me. The problem is that they don't know me. That's the worst thing, everybody has painted a picture of me, and they are all wrong. I feel like I'm losing myself." He held my hand. "Then allow yourself to be made again." I looked over at him. "I'm too scared." I whispered.


	2. Showing Up Drunk

A sharp knock on the door woke me up. "Took him home one night, threw him out crying? Pussy, did I miss anything?" Jules. Fuck, I screamed from the bed. "So I'm just your one night stand?" I let him in. He was carrying a laptop. "Your agent called me. You didn't pick up your phone when he tried to call. You two need to talk, I have the article if you want to read it." He shoved the laptop in my chest so I had to take it. "Rookie mistake," he said laughing on the way out. I knew it had ended badly, I knew I had said things I shouldn't. I called my agent. "What the fuck have you been saying?" He was yelling, he was mad. "Fucking good morning to you too, Itachi!" He had no time for games. "I didn't say that I had slept with him, just that if I WOULD that would have happened." He let out a sigh. "I made the movie you told me to make. I sent it to you." I was hoping this would make him happier. "Yes, it's already out. I'll try to book you an interview where you can explain yourself. You'll hear from me soon, so have your phone turned on." He hung up. Cold, emotionless Itatchi.

I knocked on Jules door. He didn't open. "I didn't say that shit, I wouldn't lie about us!" Then he opened the door. "Stop yelling us, there might be someone around… And there is no us. Where did you ever get that from?" I was getting mad at him. He knew how this business worked. "We had a one night thing; we swore not to tell anyone." I felt my heartbeat speeding up, drastically. "Wow! Wow! I must have missed something here? Has there ever even been anything to talk about?" Jules looked upset and angry. I was getting more scared by the second. "You don't even remember this?" He used to his hand to show off his body. Either he was joking with me, or being really stuck up. "You were like, oh baby spank me! YES!" He started laughing and hit my shoulder. "Not fucking funny Jules! Go to hell!" I yelled and went to my room. "Warm up in an hour!" I slammed my door.

"It's not true, so let's get over that darn article!" The tension was horrible, I didn't know if it was because of the article or me and Jules arguing. I dropped my microphone and walked out. I can understand why people got tired with the way I was action, I could see it myself. I just couldn't stop, I could try, it would never work. I sat down in the hallway, waited for someone to come rushing after me. They didn't, I went. I didn't care anymore. I was so tired of the whole thing. I knew it was wrong of me, I knew they needed me. I needed another drink. I took a cab to some underground club. I thankfully knew all the right places. I got a lot of stares when I came. They didn't believe their own eyes. "Somebody got something to drink?" I asked. No response. "I have money, I can pay you back." A girl got up. "Yeah, sure!" She found a bottle with something clear. I thanked her and took it. Didn't care what it was or what might be in it.

I was pretty sure the guys were freaking out at seven in the evening. The concert would start in less than four hours. They had already gotten ready, might even be on their way to the location and here I was. Raving drunk and telling stories to some young teenagers who shouldn't even be drinking. "Don't get famous guys," I told them. They didn't talk that much; it was mostly me going on and on. "People think they know me, and when they meet me they don't know how to act around me. I'm human just like everyone else. And it sucks; I just want to be treated like everyone else!" I was having some sort of bitchfit. I knew, I knew they didn't want to hear this, I knew I needed to let this out. "And when I say something, they twist on it. It's all lies. Like today, I haven't slept with him." I drank some more of my bottle. I didn't care how this night ended.

It was five minutes until the concert would start when I was on my way. I felt bad, I was drunk, but I felt bad for letting everybody down. This life wasn't for me. They had tried to call me, Itachi had tried to. Several times, for several hours. Why did I even have a phone when I never answered? The cab couldn't take me all the way to the stage. I had to get out and walk. They had started, I could hear them. I took my hoodie on and prayed that nobody would notice me. Getting backstage was a hassle to put it kindly. They wanted me to have a freaking backstage pass and all that crap. I swore I was in the band and somehow got them to believe me. I felt bad that they had to start without me. I felt like I had sobered up some at the time. I would find out that it wasn't the case next morning. I waited for them to finish the song they were playing before I entered the stage. I could have gotten high on hearing those cheers. "Sorry I'm late; I was soaking up on the dark side of Paris! I wouldn't have come, but I felt like I owed Jules one. You guys see, I was cutting hair and working as a hooker at night time when I found me. He didn't know that though, only I and the people who used me know. So what's the next song?" The crowd was still cheering, wilder than ever, but the band only looked at me. "C'est la vie as we would say it in French." Jules walked up to his microphone. "And this is the girl everybody thinks I've had sex with! I think it's time for What Will You Become?"

The rest of the concert I don't remember much off, just that I threw my shoes and bra at the audience. Fuck! I also sang a children song in French. I felt like I was at the top of the world at the moment. At the after party I had locked myself into a room, drank some more, cried, hurt myself, threw up and finally calmed down after smoking some weed I had stolen from our drummer Sasuke. I got hungry, I didn't eat, I drank some more. I heard someone knock on the door. I didn't answer. I felt bad that they always had to take care of me. I took another drag of the joint and unlocked the door. Jules came inside and sat down next to me. "How is it that there's never been so many people around me, yet I've never felt so lonlely?"


	3. I'm Naruto

"Itachi, you're making too much of a big deal about this! So I was a little late, a little drunk and said a little bit too much. I don't see the big problem. It got some attention, wouldn't that make you happy?" Itachi was going on and on about how stupid I had been. "Just put something on twitter that it was a sick joke or something. We have to put this thing dead!" He had to calm down or he would die or something. "Why? It's not some kind of joke. I don't want to watch what I'm saying. I don't care what people think about me!" I knew that was selfish and Itachi would die a bit on the inside, workwise. "You're not a solo artist… Think of your band." I sighed. "If they hate me that much, they can kick me out!" I hung up and dived down in my pillows. We were leaving in not too long. I didn't fly private like the rest. I didn't know why I did that to myself. How many times haven't I missed my flight because of reporters and fans? I went downstairs to get a cab.

The problem with cabs is that they are too safe. I never want to leave them. You only have one person to deal with. I called up Jules, I felt lonely at the moment. I didn't want to deal with what was waiting for me. "We have room for you, on our plain." I gave a short laugh and walked out. They were all around me. Kind of like a hyena pack on a corpse. "Sounds tempting, but it's too easy. What are you up to?" I tried to make my way and ignore all the questions. "No, why are you calling, something wrong?" I knew I couldn't tell him right now. "We'll talk about in private, okay? I just wanted you to know that I love you. I wouldn't be any more if it wasn't for you." He became quiet for a short while. I knew he was thinking, and he didn't like what it was. He only became quiet when he was thinking about something he found hard to deal with. "You sad some pretty fucked up things last night, you're right. We really do need to talk." There was no emotion in his voice. A single tear left my eye. "You hate me now, don't you?" We would have this conversation every once in a while the last month. "No, you can't make me hate you. Stop thinking that." I hung up on him. I didn't like saying good bye to him.

The questions I was asked was insane, if I had been on drug, if I had ever been pregnant, if Jules had bought sex from me, I think someone even asked if I had AIDS. I stopped in my tracks. "To understand you need to know the whole story, and I'm not ready for that." I had checked in my luggage. I had to wait one and a half hour to board my flight. I grabbed someone's hand and ran to girls bathroom with him and locked the door. "Sorry, I just… yeah, you weren't all in my face so I like you so much better than the rest." I smiled at him and shook his hand. "I'm Naruto." He had blond yellow hair and his smile told me that he had never thought this would happen, not even in his wildest dreams. "Did you go to the concert last night?" He nodded and found his recorder. "I'm not sure if I was, but I've been told so," I gave a sad laugh. "I… I sort of got your bra in my face…" I started laughing. He did too, when he understood that it was safe. "Somebody else took it though…" I took off my jacket. "That is so sad, some people are so rude at times!" He gave another short laugh and started his recorder. "Hey! What if I interview you? So, Naruto, what made you come here today?" He had such a charming smile. "My boss sent me; I work for a newspaper… He didn't have high hopes that anybody would get to talk to you today because, well he sent me." I couldn't help but to be interested in him. He wasn't like any of the rude reporters. "So, he sent you because you suck at your job?" He nodded "basically." I had to laugh, but I felt so bad at the same time. "I'm so sorry! It's just that all the reporters I talk to bend everything I say!" He took a magazine out of his backpack. "Like you having slept with Jules?" He got me! "Yes! It's so not true! If I could would still be a virgin I would have been. Society puts too much pressure on sex. I don't even like having sex; it's like doing dishes to me." He was so put out. That poor thing. "You said a bunch of things last night, are they all true?" I put up my hair. "It might be, I don't remember much of last night. I've been told some of it. Like that I said I used to be a prostitute and that I'm a heroin addict. I don't know why I said that. I stay far away from drugs. It's not me, I hate drugs." He smiled at that, and I smiled back because I was honest. "No sex, and no drugs, what do you do then?" I had to think, I wasn't even sure what I was doing with my time. "Music takes up a lot of my time, and I think too much. It isn't good for me at all, I think about all the wrong things. I've always been scared of the future, scared of what people expect of me. I can never live up to the ideal."

I flew away, a bra poorer and a number richer. I would have to call him up sometime. He made me smile; I hadn't smiled like that while sober in ages. The man beside me asked if I was that rocker girl. I said she had blond hair, I had colored mine caramel, or just light brown if you please. I put on some sunglasses and tried to sleep, it was a two and an half hour trip. I woke up halfway and asked the man next to me if I could read his newspaper. I wanted to see if I had made the news, maybe get to know what I had said and done. I had made the front page in the music section. "You should be glad you're not her," the man said. I looked over at him. "Why so?" I wanted to hear what he had to say, I knew I wasn't going to like it. "She's just in for the fame, creating scandal after scandal. We all know that she's doing Julian and that she couldn't have been a simple whore. Why would they have anything like that in their band?" I nodded, every word sinking in. "At least she has some talent, but her personality sucks… I can also see why all the boys have a thing for her… She seems pretty easy. I'm Oscar by the way." I smiled at him, most of all I wanted to have some sort of fit, anger, rage, sadness, crying whatever. "Ino Dubois, I hate the fame, I'm rather poor and I've never touched Jules and don't believe in meaningless sex." The change in his face was worth staying calm. I tried to sleep again, but ended up thinking about what he had just said. Fucking douchbag.

We were going to play at the Peace and Love festival. We had a day off tomorrow as we always had. I would have to make another video diary again. Like I had to every place we went to on our tour. Responsibility sucks, hard and long. I suddenly wanted to pierce my ears. It would have been awesome. I sometimes get these wild ideas, sometimes I follow up on them other times I forget then and the want dies. I called up Jules; I know he and the band had landed. We agreed to meet for dinner. I didn't like that idea, but I couldn't turn them down. I had sort of isolated myself lately. I hated myself for being this way.

I located them in the back. I liked that not many people care that much about you in small places. I sat down smiling, none of them was. "We got to talk," Nick started. It must have to be about the concert. I had screwed up big time. "I'm sorry I fucked up yesterday. I see that today, drinking before a concert is stupid. I'll never do it again." I rested my head on my hands. If I could, I would never have gotten drunk. "It's not that. That was fucking awesome!" Jules admitted. Sasuke gave him a stern look. "We're worried about you." He never spoke. I had to look at him. They had nothing to worry about. "I'm fine; I just had a little blow out. Big deal, I just look dark on everything." Jules was sitting next to me, he grabbed my hand. "I'm worried about you, you keep things away from us, you lock yourself in and you say things that make us wonder. I couldn't leave you alone last night; you kept saying how tired you were of living." I let out a sigh. How could I be so stupid, I couldn't remember any of this. "Sorry, I just drunk out of my mind, it's nothing to worry about. What about we eat then go out to eat." Awkward heart to heart talk ended.

I didn't eat much, I didn't drink much but I got drunk fast. Too fast, too drunk. The guys were just sipping, so they found me highly amusing. "You guys know what? My first kiss was with a girl, or it wasn't a kiss. We made out, oh my God! I'm 24 and I've never kissed anyone. How sad isn't that? I've made out with people, yes, but never just a kiss on the lips!" I touched my lips, just to show them what I was talking about. The whole room seemed to be moving. "You guys, I feel terrible and great at the same time. Who wants to go outside with me for a cig?" Jules volunteered, he wanted one himself. His hear looked great in the light from the lamppost. "We're some pretty badass rockers!" I yelled laughing. Some people looked over at us, judging. "Jules, we got to live a little." He laughed. "You're sober, aren't you?" I accused him. He gave some sort of a half-smile and a small laugh. "I'm probably drunker than you; it's just that I'm calm." I laughed and rested my head on his chest. I was tired. I laughed, like only drunk girls can. "Sometimes I wonder if I'm missing out." Jules took a deep drag from his cigarette. I could feel it, his heart. It felt good knowing he was alive when it so many times didn't seem that way. He let the smoke out in the thin summer night, it had gotten dark. "Missing out on what?" Then I did what everybody expected me to do, or accused me of doing. I kissed him, Nick and Sasuke didn't see us again that night.


	4. In a Realtionship

"But the funny thing is that we're the ones that are kinda sneaking around trying to get noticed and nobody does! She walks around like she's just a regular girl buying flowers at the market. I'm not sure if everyone around here in Europe really knows who we are. Everybody seems to know Ino." Jules said to the journalist. "Yeah! Some girls ran up to her in Paris and they were talking French. Later Jules told us that she had been asked who we were and called us bag carriers." Sasuke sounded deeply insulted in a non-serious way. I couldn't help laughing. "I did, I really did and it was awesome."

We were doing an interview again, it seemed like it was all I ever did with my life. "So, how is touring with a girl." Sasuke scuffed. "It's a fret!" Nick said laughing at his own stupid joke. "It's sometimes a hassle, she gets drunk all the time and turns into this three year old running around looking at stuff, touching, saying stuff she shouldn't… I think we need to hire someone to watch after her. Like a babysitter." I knocked Jules on the shoulder. He was so silly at times; the worst thing is that it might be some truth in it. "Talking about girls, when you landed you released the news that you're in a relationship. Anything to share?" I got up and said a simple fuck you Jules before I left.

I went to a bar and called this Naruto type after a couple of drinks. "I got some news to share with you… No I don't, I'm just sad and lonely." I don't think the recognized me at first. I didn't blame him; he was more of a humble person. Why would someone like me talk with him? We talked for a while. He had to say goodbye because he was going to bed. I bought a bottle of wine and went outside. It had gotten dark, I wasn't sure what time it was. I pulled my hood over my head. It was cold, but I didn't want to go back to them. Why did I always do this? I found a tree in the park and sat beneath it. I started working on my bottle. Why had we gone to my room if he had a girlfriend? In some way I felt like he had cheated on me. It wasn't like I had feelings for him anyway. I had to fix this, maybe tomorrow. I was too tired now.

It was raining when I woke up. The sky was dark, maybe some higher power was having fun with my life and decided to set the mood? I took a sip of my wine bottle and threw it away. It didn't even taste good, yet I had almost finished it last night. My back was killing me once I got on my feet. It was a funny thing, that it would be my back hurting after a night like that. I wasn't really sure where I was so I had to ask for directions. Swedes aren't good at English, and I'm not too good at Swedish. Still I made it in the end. It was a light on in the little cabin we rented for the few days we were going to stay there. The door was locked so I allowed myself to slide down the wall. It was real tears that came out of my eyes at the moment. How I had missed crying, with tears. I hadn't done so in ages. The joy in the sadness ended fairly quickly when the door opened. "You're a mess." I had to laugh a little. "You're even a bigger mess for being up." He didn't laugh, so my laughter slowly died out.

"We need to get you some help. You'll end up dead if you keep this going." We sat by some kitchen table. I didn't want to answer him straight away, wanted him to bring it up himself. I narrowed my eyes and crossed my arms, like a five year old, thinking it would help. Maybe he had forgotten, maybe he wanted to, maybe he had been lying. "I met someone," I told him. He seemed taken by surprise a second before he turned back to normal. "Yeah, like somebody can like me! Just say it!" I wasn't being fair. "Yeah, based on how you're acting now." He had been honest. I liked it, I smiled just to piss him off. "Well, I'm not the one in a relationship so I wasn't the one who cheated two nights ago." I put my elbows on the table. This was getting fun. He didn't know how to respond. He might not be aware of how I can be when I'm mad. He didn't know me like he knew the other band members. "That's not the case, that's not what we're talking about." I giggled, he wasn't sure. I figured he didn't remember that night, not sure if I was throwing a lie at him or not. "I liked your piercing by the way." I licked the right side of my mouth. Not to be seductive or anything, just to piss him off again. He was speechless, his mouth was open. "You hurt me a lot by doing that, don't you think that made me feel used and worthless? Gosh, you're such a dick." I got up and left him.

I didn't sleep many hours before Nick woke me up. I wasn't sure if I had been sleeping at all. Nothing seemed real; maybe I had turned crazy and was just imagining all of this. It could be that I wasn't me; it was just all in my mind. I was getting crazy thinking about all this. I wrote some of it down, it might make a good song one day. I was happy we were finishing our tour tomorrow. Then it was back home, 6 month break where I and Jules had to make stuff for the new record, then 3 months in the studio. Then it wouldn't surprise me if we had another tour. I was tired just thinking about it. Or maybe I was just tired now; it had to be a good mixture. I just about crawled out of bed, threw on some clothes and makeup so I wouldn't look dead, and had a cup of coffee and a cigarette before I was ready to go. Nick or Sasuke would always be the last ones to finish. Spending time alone with Jules after the fight was pretty awkward. He had a silent agreement to be silent and just act cold. I think the others picked up, that something was wrong.

It seemed like me and Jules was fighting over the songs, pushing each other further and further. Sasuke was the one to speak up. "You two fucked, he has a girlfriend, you were both drunk. Get over it!" I let out a scream. "You're a boy, so shut the fuck up before I stab your eyes out with your drumsticks!" I looked at him, he looked at me. I felt like screaming again, maybe I did because he seemed more frightened. "She must be on her monthly." Nick reasoned with the rest. "Sorry guys," I suddenly felt really bad about the whole thing. "It's always me who fucks up everything." Nick looked around. "Mood swings… I'm becoming an uncle!" He gave a wide smile, I could tell by the tone in his voice that he was joking. Or he hoped it was one. I had to start laughing, "You're all so retarded." Sasuke was still looking at his drumsticks, with a tight grip. Jules had his mouth open, he didn't like the joke at all.


	5. Cold, Brutal Rejection

The concert went good, I wasn't drunk this time. It almost seemed like people were a bit disappointed by this. I made up by getting wasted out of my mind at the after party. I couldn't have told you guys about it even if I wanted, it's just blank from the time I was talking about fireworks with illustrating hand movements until I woke up in Nick's bed. He had taken mine so I must have been too drunk to get up in it seeing I had the top bed. My head was hurting a bit so I got up and drank some water. Some being a major understatement. I'm not sure if I had ever been able to pour down so much water before. I could faintly hear my phone ringing. I ran to get it so I wouldn't wake up the rest. It was Naruto, I found it funny how he would talk to me in English then French at other times. "Would it be wrong of me to ask you if it's true?" As I had said, I was blank after the fireworks. He laughed, I was scared of what he would say when he was done. "Seems like something like this has happened before." If I had been in a better mood I would have laughed with him. "You yelled out that you had used sex to get a better grade, because you liked putting some hard work into your education, word by word." Now it was my turn to laugh. "Yeah, I… It was just my clothes. I've never really used sex; it was more like my body." I felt disgusted by myself. "Does that make you think less of me? I was failing, and I had to leave the country. I wouldn't have had an education if I didn't." I started making some coffee. He took his time answering. "Why does that matter to you?" I'm not sure if I laughed or cried at the moment, maybe a nice mixture. "Maybe because you're the only thing I can honest with at the time. You're the only one keeping me somewhat sane. It feels like you care about me! Not because I'm famous, not because I'm rich, not because of all the stupid things I do, but because I'm the person I am!" Was this a bit too much. "Sorry, I have to work now." Cold, brutal rejection, I went back to bed, with a can of coffee, crying for an hour.

Once again I had made a movie to please Itachi, but he never called. Had he given up? Had he quit? I was worrying too much about things I normally wouldn't care about. We decided to go to some posh restaurant to celebrate that we were done, the whole team. I got some salad, didn't eat much. Got looks and blamed it on being hung over. We all knew that it was a lie, nobody bothered saying anything. They were just happy to get a break from me. I was thinking like that while laughing and pretending everything was okay. I had said to myself that I wouldn't be upset and leave. I was just too emotional at times. It was blamed on me being female often, but none of the other girls acted that way. No, it was just me. I must have been one of a kind or something. It was decided that we would all go home and pack, then see if we had time to do something else.

"Guys, just go ahead. Ino is going to show me this statue I really want to see. We got the packing under control." We received some waves and good byes, and a glare of death from our PR responsible. I felt that it was mostly directed towards me. He waited until everyone was gone before he even acknowledged the fact that I had no idea what we were doing there. "Ino, I care a lot about you. I feel responsible for putting you in this situation; I didn't know it would have this effect. I'm not saying I don't like you and don't want to have you around. I'm just worried about the way your life is going, and I know you don't have anyone to look after you when we're not around." I lifted one eyebrow. "You're not to blame for this, this is just me. Socially off, anger and self-loathing. I would have done this anyway. If I hadn't been here I don't know. I might not been alive. And the way I'm leading my life? Fuck, you're so much worse than me!" I looked down at his arms, but I was pretty sure he knew what I was trying to say. He was doing some pretty heavy drugs. Like all the big rock stars I guess. "I got a guy for you, he's a psychiatric. He agreed to come live with you, almost for free. He just needs a place to live, food and some money. We're talking 20.000 here, if you're not going to pay I will. I'm not going to sit back and let you destroy your life. I'm also sorry I made things so much worse for you. I hate myself, I hate myself for hurting two people, two people I love. I can see why you got upset. I used you as an easy lay. You cried and I didn't even stop. I feel sick when I think about, I love you and I only want what's best for you!" I did what felt natural at the moment, hugged him and cried on his shoulder. I loved that bastard too.

I wasn't sure if I had gotten everything with me. I didn't have too much time to pack. We didn't go back straight away, he really did want to look at statues and art. Sometimes I wonder about his gender, or just sexuality. At the airport I sort of tried to hide behind the other members. Sasuke's plan was to pull a poker face and make a run for it, or a speed walk. Nick wanted to run after him and jump on his back. Leaving me and Jules, I wasn't sure if thing should feel awkward between us or not. "Want to make them go crazy? Just for fun?" I didn't have time to answer before he kissed me, I was about to slap him. He grabbed my hand and hold onto it. "Never have I wanted to kill anyone more, but right now I couldn't care less," I whispered in his ear. I didn't know why he wanted to play this sick joke with the press. All I could tell is that he was smiling like some child, it couldn't be any good. Nick followed up with kissing Sasuke, he was slapped. Sasukes face was worth it, before he cracked up. "That was the best kiss I've ever had, no homo!" I could hear Sasuke confess. "What can I say?" Nick said arrogantly. I just had to love those guys.


	6. Enter Deidara

It was weird coming back home again. Being alone, for as long as it lasted, Jules friend or whatever it was, was flying in from Maine later that day. I missed Europe is some ways. People were nice there. Not everyone was taking kindly on Jules airport joke and one girl even spat after me. Gosh how disgusting. The whore didn't hit me, but still. Itachi had called me to. He wanted a meeting. I had made my way over there. He hadn't changed at all; I couldn't see how I had ever dared to argue with him. His eyes were empty, he still had bags under his eyes. From not sleeping, or from worrying, I didn't know he might have been doing both. The numbers on all the three phones on his desk had been erased. He folded his hands and held them in front of his face. Just looking at me, analyzing. "What bad have I done?" I gave a giggle, trying to ease the mood. So much for that… "Do you know how many searches google has on you and Jules kissing? 14 millions. It might have been the smartest thing you've ever done." I strangely felt that I owed Jules one. "How does the plan look from now?" Itachi found his papers, all neatly written by hand. "You'll be doing some interviews out next week, and then you have some time off."

Time off was something I really needed. I went through Ben and Jerry's on the way home. Bought a mango smoothie, drank some of it, felt bad about throwing the rest away. I hadn't eaten yet that day, and it was soon dinner time. I could feel my phone ringing, saving me from buying some greasy spring rolls. "What did you mean by that?" It was Naruto, it had to be in the middle of the night or something. "We're not dating." I figured that he was asking about the kiss. "I know we aren't, what did you mean last time? Am I the only one you feel that you can trust? You hardly know me, how can you know I'm not going to sell you out for a great story, how do you know I'm simply not using you to get information?" I looked at my watch, wondering how much time I had before I had to leave. "I know you're using me for information, I'm letting you. I just think you're a really good, honest person; I really want to get to know you, but right now I have to go."

I didn't make a stupid sign for him. I didn't know what he looked like. I figured he would know who I was, or I would find him when he was alone and all uncomfortable. I sat down and waited for him, wouldn't have surprised me if his flight was late. I watched the people go through the gate, the next guy looking duller than the other. My phone called. I wasn't sure if I wanted to take it or not. "Who's this?" I was wondering if some creeper had gotten my phone number. "Yeah, Jules gave me your number. I'm the help or whatever you want to call it." He gave a short laugh, a cocky one. I didn't like him. "I'm on the chairs." I hung up, waited for that old, dry and boring bastard to show up.

Gold, it was all I could see. It was so bright, so shiny, it was just so alive. "Hi, I'm Deidara." He held out his hand, flirterboys grin. Why couldn't he have found me an old boring man. I walked behind him just to get a look at him from behind, oh. I almost let out a dreamingly sigh when I saw his butt, and the way he was swinging his hips. He got his luggage. I wasn't sure if I expected him to have a lot or just a small suitcase. I didn't expect two huge ones. "Want me to take one of them?" I offered, he just shook his head. We got to a cab without too many interruptions. People were more interested in taking pictures of me. I'm not sure if I like it better or not. Europe is so different, even when it comes to the fans.

"Well this is awkward," he said. I was looking out the window. "It's not awkward until you say it is." He didn't answer, maybe I was rude, maybe I should have said anything, and maybe he didn't like me now. I looked over at him. He was looking out his window too. "Ever been here?" He shook his head. "You'll wish you never were in a couple of weeks." He didn't answer now either, he was taking in everything I said, analyzing it. I could see it in his eyes, he wasn't exited, he was concentrating. I paid the cabdriver, he was as far as I knew broke, and he must have been desperate to have taken this job. I took some of his baggage. I didn't care that he had turned down my help, I felt bad just watching him drag everything behind him. My place wasn't too big, two bedrooms, a bathroom and a living room with a kitchen in the back. It was just what I needed, nothing more. I had never cared for big houses; I would never need it nor fill it up. It would just have been a waste.

"Just feel like you're home, because I guess you are. We can go shopping later… About all I have are some vegetables, Honey Puffs and soya milk." This earned me a puzzled look. "I don't eat much, and I just got home yesterday. Haven't had time for shopping, stop judging me!" I could feel him observing my body, not in the perv way, he was looking at my size. "I'm eating healthy, okay so you can stop that." It was a bloody lie. "Then why are you so defensive about it? I haven't accused you of anything." Fuck him and his oh so smart talk. I went back to hating him again. "What do you want me to do? Chew down the biggest hamburger I can get and chug down some milkshake?" I felt that he wanted to laugh at that, but he couldn't, he was supposed to be professional. "You don't have to stand there hiding your smile like some stupid tosser." He laughed now. "You don't have to be so serious around me."

We went shopping later that evening. Thank goodness Wal-Mart never closes. He seemed to be like a big breakfast type, pancakes, bacon, eggs and stuff. It didn't make sense to me how anybody could start their day like that. He also liked mints, and chocolate. I didn't like having chocolate at home, but I didn't say anything. "Do you watch a lot of TV?" I asked him. He shrugged. "Sometimes." I bet he watches Days of Our Lives or something like that. "Then we need to get you a TV," I turned around our shopping cart. "Don't you have one at home?" I didn't. He said he didn't need one then, he didn't want to be to any bother. He was going to be living with me, he was a bother from the second he walked in. I got him a small TV, paid for everything against his will. "Do you have loads of money? I won't even notice this on my bank account." I wasn't being arrogant, I was being honest.

We put the TV in his room. I didn't want anything to do with it, one can waste too much time in front of the TV. There was so much better things to do. "I'm going to go for a run," I told Deidara. He was unpacking. "Do you think that's safe? It's three in the morning." I oh'ed I didn't know. "I guess I'll save it for tomorrow then, what are you doing up so late?" He blamed jetlag, he came from California, I didn't know the time difference, to me it sounded like a lie. I went to bed without saying good night, it just seemed too weird and friendly to do so. I couldn't sleep, and I was too tired to do anything. I wondered if he, Deidara, could get me some sleeping pills. I could get them myself I found out. I knew what park to go to. I just needed to find someone to buy it for me. I couldn't do it myself anymore. I could just imagine Itachis face if anybody ever saw me scoring sleeping pills on the street. I didn't sleep that night.

He got up at seven. He had only slept for four hours. He washed his hands before he started cooking breakfast. I was smoking. He didn't seem too pleased by it. "Have you eaten yet?" I stumped my cigarette. "Does it bother you?" I didn't want to answer his question. "That you're not eating, yes." I blew out some smoke. Watched it disappear into the air, never to be seen again. "I have eaten, I meant the smoking." We both knew that I hadn't eaten. He let it pass for this time, I didn't think that would be the case for later. "I have to make a call." I brought my coffee cup outside, just so that he couldn't hear me. It wouldn't surprise me if he still did. "What the fuck? Why did you do this to me? It's okay that he's… He's like this perfect, like a saint, and he's sooo healthy! Have you eaten yet? And the look he gave me when I was smoking! I can't do this, why did you do this to me! What if he's going to kill me? Ah, just call me back, I'll answer if I'm still alive." Jules didn't answer, so I left him a voice message. "Hey Nick, want to meet me for lunch today? No, I just said today because I meant tomorrow. I'll see you at twelve then, I'll leave goodie two shoes at home. He's such a dick I'll tell you, well talk to you then!"


	7. It's Getting Better

I had ordered a shrimp salad without shrimps. I always felt like an idiot when I made orders like that, Nick just laughed at me and ordered a club sandwich for himself. He said it sounded so classy. "So, how's Mr. Nice Guy holding up in the presence of the she devil herself?" I just gave him the look of death. "He's so odd, he watches TV, he unpacked the first night, got up at seven and made this huge breakfast!" The restaurant was slowly filling up, the waitress was running around. This was where I first had met the rest of the band. I liked going here. "Ever accured to you that you're the one that's weird? Most people do eat." If he had been closer I would have punched him. The waitress came over and asked what we wanted to drink. I ordered a plain vodka earing two disapproving looks. "You're not on the road anymore now. You better slow down on the drinks!" He tried to laugh it away, but I knew he was serious.

"I want dessert, I need it!" I hadn't even finished my salad, how he had room for even more I couldn't understand. It was just lunch too. "What do you want?" I let a humh, escape. "Nothing." I had to go before we could argue about it. My phone started ringing. "We both know you need him, and you're just mad because you find him drop dead fucking sexy!" I let some colorful insults fly, God danm it Jules. "Just give it two weeks, that's all I ask for." I agreed, it would be wrong to just throw him out after less than a day. I asked if he wanted to join us. He said he had stuff to do, Nick screamed in the crowded restaurant that touching yourself didn't count. We laughed for a short while before we hung up.

I had to say goodbye to Nick to do an interview, I asked him to come with. He didn't want to, I didn't blame him. He always got ignored, most of the time. It was my first since I came back home. The interviewer was boring, didn't know what he was talking about. How had my rock'n'roll lifestyle effected me? What kind of question was that? I asked him to repeat the question, maybe he then would see how stupid it was. How do you react to something like that? He was just so off, I wanted to leave early. Tried to be nice to him, not sound like a total douche. He wanted to know about the new record, we hadn't even started working on it. I thanked him for the interview when he ran out of question and left as soon as I could. Hoped that the other ones would go far better than this.

At home Deidara was taking a nap, in his bed thankfully. I took out a plate and put some food and sauce on it. I made the plate dirty, like it had been eaten from, found a book and sat down. I wanted to put on some music, but didn't want to wake him up. I wouldn't really listen to it anyway. I just like the background noise, made me feel less alone. He slept for a while, his hair was messy and he looked groggy. He rubbed the back of his head, didn't seem like he expected me to be at home. "It would be nice to know if you're going to be gone all day. I don't need to know what you're doing or anything. It's just nice to know, I made you dinner too." I know he was right, but it felt like he was invading my privacy. "Thanks, but I made something myself." I didn't comment on me letting him know if I was going to be gone.

"Want me to show you around tomorrow?" I didn't know why I said that. Could have been because he didn't know the city, nor had any friends here. "That would be nice; we could get to know each other better." I put down my book, looked at him. "What do you want, what do you need to know to do your brain magic?" He coughed, hiding his laugh. "It's not as easy as that, you have to make a change yourself." I drank some of the red wine I had gotten. "I like myself just the way I am, I don't think I have any problems." He knew that he had a hard case here, maybe even a lost one. Still this lost case was his golden ticket to everything he needed… Well, almost. "Do you want some wine?" No, he didn't drink on weekdays. I told him that one glass didn't hurt, his follow up was how many bottles I had in the house. I felt strangely insulted, when did buying in bulks a crime?

I went to bed early that night, the atmosphere in the room was just strange. He seemed confident and smug. I felt more or less hunted on, like he was watching me before the kill. I wasn't sure if I could relax around him, it seemed like he was taking note of every little thing I was doing. I knew it was paranoid of me, but I couldn't help it. It was just the way it was. I stayed up thinking, but fell asleep in the end. I didn't wake up before him the next morning. The plate I had left the night before was gone. I might have found a new way to annoy him. I wasn't sure, it had to be put through further trials. He might end up thinking I'm a lazy slob. It might be true, but being open about it was something else. He had made me three pancakes. They were huge and most likely packed with sugar. I knew he was trying to be nice, but he was killing me. I did all the tricks and think I got away fairly well. I had eaten half of a pancake, looked more like I had eaten half of them.

I dragged him with me to this coffee place. I never went to Starbucks, only around Christmas; they had this peppermint coffee then. I liked it far too much. He ordered a decaf with no cream, I ordered a triple coffee intenso. I needed something strong to bring me through this day. Too bad I didn't taste the mint in it. The honest truth is that I couldn't stand coffee, strong coffee that is. I must have made a face when I drank it all at one time, Deidara started laughing at me. "Shout up Gaylord with the decaf." I didn't he took it as a joke straight away. The look on his face was priceless before he started laughing with me. "Just want you to know that people here are extremely rude, watch whatever you have, don't be surprised if you get bumped into, stepped on or groped. This is New York, it's big and there are a lot of different people around here. You never know who you're going to meet."

It had never hit me before now that he knew Jules, and he could be doing this with him. Still we ended up having fun, even if he tricked me into playing the "I'm famous" card when we ate dinner. He didn't want to wait, he was hungry. I wondered if he always was. I ate some spaghetti, laughed and didn't feel bad about it. He wasn't really big, even if he ate tons. He was in fact quite muscular; I had never pictured a psychologist with muscles. Not that I did mind, he was actually handsome, or fucking hot if you like it better that way. I would say that it had been a nice day, we had seen most of the normal tourist stuff. To be honest I didn't know much of New York, I hadn't lived there but less than a year all together. Not the best times of my life, but I've been in colder weather. For the time being I didn't have too much to worry about. Maybe life was smiling to me in some ways, more than just some?


	8. Not Ready for the Past

She's wearing a high waist skirt, her t-shirt is white with a bike saying «sweet ride» beneath it. I asked her if she had ridden her bike to out meeting, she smiles a clever smile. I can confirm that she was seen riding a beige 50's retro bike. Her eyes are full of life, she seems healthy and happy. A big smile is plastered on her face, is it all an act? I expected her to be slow and rude. I was all wrong, she laughs and jokes around even if I have to be told off after she meant I had gone too far. Her aura reeks of cool. A lot has been said about this girl. She's adored and hated, if you know who she is, you can't help having your very heated view on her. She's called an artistic genius and skanky gold digger, but could it just be that she's human just like me and you?

"**It's been said that you just joined the bad for the money and fame, what do you think about that, is it any truth in it?" **

She clears her throat, being put back by the question. "Yes, it's true. Halfway, I joined for the money, and the money alone. When that is said, I was broke, alone and desperate. I would start the week picking out day I could eat dinner, I slept in my saloon, and I only had the power on when I was open. I was way deep in dept. I wouldn't have made it, the way I saw it, it was join or die. I didn't want to be filthy rich; I don't think I can live my life like that."

"**When we get into the whole thing about your past, nobody knows anything about it and nobody can find much, and I know you have said you're not ready to tell it. Does that still stand?"**

She's uncomfortable, she moves around in her chair. It would seem like she's battling her mind. She blinks away a tear, I feel bad for asking. She seems like an innocent little girl, still it's my job. "I don't know if I'm right there. I've been working on it you know. I know I was in a place I shouldn't have been, I don't ever want to go there again." It has been a well-known fact that's she's been getting help by a psychologist.

"**You've had some help, why?"**

"I was losing myself, getting into bad habits. I was playing this double life, fooling everybody around me. I wasn't okay, I wasn't in a good place. I haven't been there in several years." She still drinks heavily from what I've heard, I wanted to ask her what she meant by bad habits. She didn't give a better answer than things I shouldn't have been doing.

"**Some record talk, this will be your first with your band. How is it coming together?"**

"The tour was strange, since I hadn't been a part of the record. We had to split the songs between us. It was kind of awkward. This feels much better; we've been writing songs for a while now, me and Jules. It is my writing skills that landed me a place in the band after all." I asked her what she meant by that. "It's a funny story; Jules is randomly walking around and decided to get his hair cut. He ended up at my place, right. So he explains how he wants his hair cut. I told him that he would have to be some rock star to pull that off. He just gave me that all-knowing smile I've learned to hate. I'm not that into modern music so I had no idea who he was. So I was working on him when he looks around and wondered where I had bought my pictures. I had just bought some cheap frames to put up and told him that I had written it. When he was done he asked if I wanted to meet his friends in a few days. Normally I would never agree to meet my customers. Since he had wanted such a strange haircut I agreed. What I didn't know is that he had stolen several of my small frames. Later he also told me that I had been singing when I was working too."

"**Cool story bro, it's been rumored that you have a drinking problem,"**

She burst out laughing at the first comment, but it dies out when rumored comes out. "I do think we all have way of cope with this world, I don't do it through drinking." She's short and firm on it. She keeps her cards thigh; she never tells anyone more about herself than she needs. That's part of what intrigues during this interview. She has some sort of magical charm that keeps me wanting to know more. I wasn't sure what my next question was, I had it all planned out but she had made me forget all about it. It's then after a short pause she asks me how it is being a journalist. It's been well know that she despises journalists. I can to some degree understand her. She's always been stuck with the worst ones. She's still new to this.

"**You're the only girl in the band, does that cause any problems, funny situations?" **

"Oh, if you only knew! They never really seem to understand me, act gay around me, steal my underwear and when we get drunk all hell breaks loose! I run all over the place and they try to look after me, I'm always the first one drunk and the last one to sober up. They have to look after me all the time; I do so many stupid things." She laughs, she drinks some water and finishes smiling. She asks for some coffee. Our photographer is sent on the mission, she thanks him several times.

"**You're also the only one who doesn't come from America, how was your childhood compared to theirs?"**

"Everybody thinks their spoiled brats who have always gotten what they have pointed on, they hate that. It isn't like your life is perfect if you have rich parents, they have worked hard to get where they are now. If someone is spoilt it's me, I joined after all the hard work was done. I can see why people dislike me because of that." She turns the focus away from the real question, there must be a reason why, so I ask her again.

"**How was your childhood?"**

She's uncomfortable again; she pushes her lips together and bites the bottom one. "We all have trials in our life, as I have said. It shapes you, I would have been a totally different person if my childhood hadn't been what it was. I was still happy as a child; I didn't know that what I was put through wasn't normal. It was just how it was supposed to be. I ran away when I found out that how I view the world was all wrong."

"**You ran away?"**

"Yeah, I was 14 and couldn't handle my life anymore. I still enjoyed being alive, so I had to get away to start over again."

"**How was your life after you ran away?"**

"I had to change my name; I was placed in a family and moved out as soon as I was 18. I left the country then. I'm not enjoying these questions, they're getting too personal. I'm not ready to deal with my past just yet. I would like it if you stopped prying and pushing me. I'm not in the best place right now." She puts some sunglasses on. I couldn't help to feel sorry for her. "I know that you're just doing your job, I'm not angry with you or anything," she adds. She gets her coffee and tells her I'm sorry if she was offended. She just nods. "I don't think it should be important what I look like, what I like or what I've done. I'm a musician, can't I be judged by the music I make?"

I decided to end the interview there. She had had enough. We sat around just talking while she was finishing her coffee and well beyond that. She was witty and smarter than one might realize. Her creativity is way past anyone I've met. All this in a former blond innocent package. We know she just has to have some dark secrets deep, deep down and they're slowly making their way to the surface.


	9. Fainted

"It just doesn't seem real, you know. That I did that, that it happened to me, I think I've locked it inside. I'm too scared to let it out. I'm scared of my own feelings." I was talking to Deidara, we would talk like this for a little while every day. He would mostly listen, and then give some advice when I stopped talking. Ask some questions, it was mostly what I could do to make it better. "You were in a position where you couldn't do anything. A lot of people, you just did what you needed to provide for yourself. Nobody has the right to look down on you for it." I wasn't lying on a couch and he wasn't sitting on a chair. We were sitting by the kitchen table, so okay; he was sitting on a chair. "I think some of me enjoyed it, it was easy money to me. I even stopped looking for a job. I had found one." He was taking notes, he would study them for later. I had taken some ICD tests too. He was working on them he had said. I had been honest on them, I hadn't lied. I was sick of lying. "It's normal to enjoy sex; you'll enjoy it even if you don't want to." He didn't get it.

We were making our way backwards into my past. I didn't dislike him to bad anymore. I just accepted him, I had gotten used to having him around. He knew so much about me, and I didn't know anything about him even if it had been two months since he came. I had spent almost 5 days locked up in my room writing songs. I had 19, it would be a wonder if more than two of them got the green light. So far that's what we had. I had written one, so had Jules. I just wrote the text, I had no idea how to write music. I gave him the hard part, but he was a true genius. He did it like no other could. We still had four months until we were booked to record the album.

I wasn't sure if I liked being at home, or if I missed living with them. I often felt lonely, I often called Naruto. He must be getting tired of it, that poor thing. He never knew what he was getting himself into when I had gotten his number. I felt bad for him when I called him up crying because I couldn't sleep. I never went to Deidara. I wasn't even sure if he knew this was going on. Maybe I ought to have told him about it. It worked better being honest. I had feelings, his job was to understand them. That is if anyone can ever understand my feelings, I can't even do it myself. So I was glad to have him there. He was annoying, and seemed rather boring, but it was great having someone to talk to. Someone who didn't put me down, someone who didn't judge me or twist my words to hurt me.

"Everything we once had is gone now. I can't see how that's wrong, I don't know if it's too shallow, too used up." I had met up with Jules the next day to look at the songs I had written. What was supposed to be his girlfriend was in the living room watching TV. I hate that box, she seemed to hate me, Kaylee. What name was that anyway. "I don't know, I think you're right. It just seemed right at the moment." He put a question mark next to those lines. "You were half in love with her, I kept it going on. You took me for a fool. Everything we once had is gone now." He was thinking about it, I was a girl I wrote a lot about love. I hated it, I just couldn't help it. "I got a stack of names for whom to blame for making it a game. This is how it should have been all the way." I asked if he had some wine while he was reading, he didn't so I made some coffee instead. "I think five of these the rest might be interested in doing." He had only written two songs, but they were really good. "I'll write the notes to them; if we decide to do them we're only two-three songs short for the album. This is going faster than planned." He smiled, I drank coffee. "How is it going?" I nodded towards the living room. He wasn't sure how to take it. "Asking as a friend, you don't need to worry." He just shrugged. "I fuck it up every time. It's in my blood. It's hard."

We agreed that he would invite the band over for dinner and we could talk about the songs. I bought something to eat for later, wasn't sure if it would ever happen. I hadn't gotten too much better at eating. I just wasn't hungry, I didn't starve myself anymore. Still I was losing weight and feeling worse and worse. I got bruised if you blew too hard on me, and was constantly feeling tired. I couldn't find Deidara when I came home, couldn't remember that he said anything about going out. I sat down reading. It didn't take too long before I got worried. I tried calling him, but he didn't answer. I went to do some laundry, tried to call him again. When I had waited for two hours I was honestly worried about him. It was ten when he came home. "I tried calling you! I didn't know where you were! I was worried sick!" I screamed, I sounded hysterical. "I was on a date, I've told you about it several times." Why I felt so sick and upset about this I didn't know. The room was spinning, I didn't care that much. "No, you can't be dating other girls!"

"Ino? INO?" It was dark, I couldn't see. I was scared, I didn't realize that I had my eyes closed. I waved my arms around. I hit something hard and warm, Deidara. I started crying, my head hurt. "Ino, you fainted. Have you eaten today? Do you want me to take you to a hospital? Calm down, you're not hurt." I shook my head. I could feel my heart beating, too fast, it was too loud. I hugged him and cried; he slowly hugged back and tried to calm me down. "Please don't leave me, please don't leave me." He broke off the hug and lifted me. I put my arms around his neck instead. He sat down, I still hadn't opened my eyes. I was scared, I had fainted several times before. It was just two weeks since the last time. I didn't know why I was reacting this way. "It's okay, it's okay. I'm here, don't worry." We sat like that for a while. I couldn't stop crying. I was tired, I felt so lost. Now that everything had been going so well.

At some point I must had fallen asleep. I woke up in my bed, I couldn't remember how I got there. At least I hadn't been drunk and woke up alone. It was some sort of comfort. I got up and found something that looked like a dinner in the fridge. Deidara had made it for when I woke up. I ate it, crying once again. I was mad at myself for being so weak. I didn't like losing control over my feelings. I felt what I allowed myself to. I had lost it, never would I cry and act like a defenseless puppy. I almost finished my plate, it was a lot of food. Well to me it had been. I looked at the watch hanging above my fridge, it was five in the morning. I sat two hours in the dark doing absolutely nothing before Deidara woke up. "feeling any better?" I told him that I had eaten, he seemed content with that. "I'm sorry about yesterday; I don't normally act like that. It was silly of me, stupid." He didn't go to make his usual breakfast, he sat down beside me. "I'm worried about you, you seem to be doing so much better. Still it's the other way around, you try to act like everything is as good as they have ever been. Yet your worries are eating you on the inside, it's just a matter of time before they're done and come to the surface. It's not going to be pretty. Are you on any drugs? I need to know for your own safety." I told him I wasn't, went to my room and slammed my door. I wasn't addicted to anything, how could he even think anything like that.

I went to dinner without him, he had been invited too. I never told him. I'm not lying when I say I didn't want to have him with me when he accused me of doing drugs. It felt good having the band together. Nick and Jules had been watching this Spanish movie when I came. Sasuke was almost half an hour late. When he came he just shrugged and said he got caught up in traffic. It was more like he got caught up in doing his hair. So glossy. Jules idea of dinner was ordering pizza. I searched his fridge and found some medium soft carrots. It had to do, I ate two of them. Didn't want to repeat yesterday. "Do you have any wine today?" I asked Jules. He looked around as if some might have magically appeared over the night. I laughed and pulled out one I had brought. "Is that something every girl has in her purse, or is it just because you're French?" Nick wanted to know. I had to laugh at him. "We were having dinner, and I knew Jules wouldn't have bought any." He came behind me and nodded, agreeing to every word. "True that." They all, due to some wonder no one can explain, liked the songs. Jules had come up with some more since yesterday. We were ready to record, over three months early. I wonder if that has ever been done in the history of song making. Well, we still had to practice every single darned song!


	10. Every Single Bottle

"Long time, no talk!" I told Naruto. I had sort of lost contact with him. It's not like he couldn't have picked up the phone himself. "Yeah, I'm back with my wife now." What's up with everybody hooking up lately? "That's great! Congratulations, I just wanted you to know that I was still alive. I'm about to go out now, talk later and take care." I hung up. I didn't care if he thought I might have a thing for him. He was way over there anyway. Not like we could be anything more than friends. I didn't know he had a wife. I hadn't seen any ring on him at the airport.

Deidara was watching TV. I would normally yell at him to turn it down. I opened his door, without knocking. "Want me to turn it down?" he asked, looking over at me. "No, I just. I don't know." I stood there, like I was retarded. "Anything you want to talk about, did anything happen?" He sat up, maybe he was getting ready for a mental breakdown or something like that. "No, I just feel strange." I found a spot next to him, he had muted the TV by now. He was watching some guy walking around in a river. I didn't get it. I shook my head. "I think I feel bad, because everyone is better at me. Or maybe not better, but they have come further in their life. Here I am, single, pretending to be some great musician, hiring someone to just stay with me so I won't have to be alone and kill myself." I leaned back and closed my eyes. "And I have been drinking, because most of the time it makes me happy. I like being happy, I'm not sure how is, but I like it." I had closed my eyes because everything had been out of focus. I didn't know how he reacted to this. "I should get a cat, a cat will love me if I'm nice to it and feed it. It would all be good." I laughed; I was going to feel so stupid the next day. "Ino, you're just being silly now. Why don't you just go to bed and talk about this tomorrow?" I clung to his arm. "I don't want to sleep alone, it makes me sad!" I could hear him sigh. "You're tired of me, aren't you? Think I'm this crazy whore who makes everything into a problem. I'm just fucked up! That's what you think. Why don't you like me? Who do you do other girls when I want you!" I screamed the last part, I was sure I had been mumbling but my throat hurt. "I think it's time you go to bed now. You can have my bed if you want, I'll take the couch." I got up and made my way to bed. Rejected, brutally.

I woke up the next morning not sure if I was sober or not, so I just lay there. I lay there listening to the cars go by, the people walk pass. I would most likely never see them, never know them, who are they, what do they do and what do they think? Deidara was rattling on the kitchen, I couldn't ignore the sounds. They were too loud. I heard glass clattering. I jumped up and ran out as fast as I've ever done. "No, you can't do that!" The only thing lacking was me holding out my hand. "No Ino, don't make this harder. We both know that you shouldn't be around alcohol." I was getting frantic. "It's just wine, I don't get drunk on wine." He wouldn't listen. "I'll stop eating, I have to have my wine!" He put the last bottle on the bench. "Now you're just being childish." I hated him. I stormed out, didn't realize I was still in my night clothes.

I ran out to get a cab. I needed to get away from that monster. I didn't have a drinking problem, I get drunk and bother him once. The most normal reaction to him is to make my life a living hell! I gave him the address to Nick. Jules was probably with his girlfriend and Sasuke wasn't an option. Other than that I had few friends, clean friend that I could hang around. I didn't have money to pay for the cab. I made Nick pay. He hadn't gotten up yet either, I woke him up. He was confused; he invited me in and tried to rub the sleep out of his eyes. "He away all my wine! Not a single bottle left!" I was raging. "Well, it might be good for you. You know, it can be too much." I called him a fucking coke head and stormed off. I never made it inside, and I now owed him money. Not that it was much, I still owed him.

I walked over to Jules place; he didn't live too far away thankfully. "Everything? Really, that's overreacting. It's not like you're a raving alcoholic or anything." Finally, some sympathy. His girlfriend was still sleeping, he hadn't slept any. We were made for each other. "You know I like having a glass with my dinner, or maybe one when I'm reading. I'm French for fucks sake! It would be like me telling you that you can't eat junk food!" He started laughing, muttered a thanks before continuing. "But he's a good guy, he's just stern. I think we need some control at times." I looked around his living room, the walls were empty, in his bookcase there was a few pictures, no books. I wondered if he had a soul, well he was good at picking out couches. So soft and yeah, soft.

His girlfriend wanted to talk with him alone on the kitchen when she saw me. I wondered why she hated me so much, I hadn't ever done her anything. I stole some money from the table and took a cab back home again. I didn't want to cause him any problems. I hated being in the way. If I had any money I would have bought a bottle of wine just to piss him off. I had gone back to hating that smug, confident face. He was sitting by the table when I got back. I didn't look at him and went straight to my room. I found the bottle of vodka under my bed and took too painkillers. It had been a stressful morning. I needed it. I had made sure to lock my door. I didn't want him to walk in on me. I was so frustrated; I had so many emotions and had nowhere to put them. I ended up lying in my bed panting. I tried to go back to sleep, it didn't work. I was tired, my eyes were heavy, my head was hurting. I wanted to cry, but told myself I was too strong to do that. It was a sad joke; I was as weak as ever. I got dressed and left again, without a word.

It had started raining outside. I went to Central Park, it was so empty, but full of life when it was raining. I could see a rat jumping around by a lake. A lonesome jogger ran past, drenched in sweet or rain it could be both. I could only guess. I sat with my feet against my chest. I didn't want them to touch the ground, it was pouring now. The once clean water was made dirty by the earth as it made its way to flatter ground. It might be going to the lake, to reunite with all its other friends. I wished someone would walk past, nobody would go for a walk in this weather. My phone rang several times. My hands were so cold I couldn't even unlock it. I had to laugh, technology, it's supposed to make our everyday better mine is made harder. I knew something was urgent when even Sasuke tried to call. I got up and decided to hit a bar, I wouldn't drink I promised myself, it was all because of the heat.

When I came there I figured it would be rude of me not to buy anything. My dollar bills were drenched; I had to use my card. I ordered some vodka shots, three of them. Removed as much of my wet clothes as I could. Got rid of two of the shots before I called Deidara. "I've been worried about you, why didn't you pick up?" I laughed, tried to hide that I had been drinking. "My hands were too cold to unlock my phone. I'm at a restaurant now." I don't think that made him feel any better. "Well, tell me where you're at and I'll come meet you." I searched through my mind for a fitting lie. "You can't! I'm with my friends, we're having a girls night, I won't be out too late. I promise!" I hung up, I would only mess it up if I didn't. I ordered three more drinks. "So Nick, what was it that you wanted?" I was starting to heat up, if it was because I was inside or the alcohol I didn't know. "Oh! Ino! I've been so worried about you, we all have!" I gave him the same story on why I hadn't answered; I still wondered why he was so dramatic. "We didn't know, why hadn't you told us?" I had no idea what he was talking about. I took the third shot in one taking, that's why they're called shots right? "Sasuke found the video you made in Paris!" I cut him off. "And you guys had no fucking right watching it okay! I made it for me, not for some sick pervs to watch! I bet you liked it SM freak!" It was the alcohol talking, I think he knew. "Why don't you stop drinking and come over to Jules, we're all here." I didn't want to go out again. "No!" I whined. "I feel soooo stupid for making that! Nobody was going to watch it! I'm so stupid! I wish I could just die!" I think I even meant it.

I finished the drinks and left, I had no idea where I was going or where I was. I was just making my way to nowhere. I felt so alone, my stomach was hurting. I wish I could be happy, I wish I could have friends. Friends who didn't care because they needed me for something. I could have died and nobody miss me after a month. I was easily replaced, I wasn't special or as good as anybody else. Some guy walked over at me, he asked if I was okay, I said I was. He had kind eyes, I hugged him too. He invited me home, I wasn't sure if he did it because he wanted me or if he was just being nice. He helped me walk up the stairs to his apartment. It was small, smaller than my place. I thanked him and sat down in his couch without an invitation. "I don't think you would have made it home alone, I'm Neji." I couldn't help myself from laughing, Neji… Wedgie. He didn't say anything. My phone called again. "Sasuke! I'm fine, stop calling me and pretending like you all care! I know you don't, you're not fooling me! You guys just like me because I can help you guys make money, but screw you guys! I'm going solo!" I hung up before he could say anything. I looked over at this stranger and smiled. It was funny how life worked out even if it was so fragile. The human heart is so fragile, yet it feels like mine had been used as a soccer ball, nobody cared about me, so why should I do otherwise?


	11. From Hugs To Kisses

I got dressed and left before he woke up. Not because I was ashamed of what we had done, not because I regretted, I was afraid that he would make me breakfast.

I turned on my phone and found several missed calls and text messages. I didn't take the time to read them. It was most likely them going on about how they were worried. I spat on the street, I found this disgusting but couldn't help doing so thinking about them. I felt bad about thinking like this. How could I convince myself that they didn't give a shit about me? Fine, they wouldn't answer my texts, they wouldn't always listen to what I had been saying, and they would rather miss a call than having to rush to answer it. It didn't mean that they hated me. I took a cab over to Jules house. I think he had been sleeping this time. "You decided to come around?" I told him how sorry I was. "You need to stay away from drinking. Do you have any idea how worried we were? Anything could have happened to you, you don't have control! Where did you even end up? Deidara was worried too, he cares about you, we all do! Then Sasuke found this tape in his bag! Why wouldn't you tell us about something like that? You got to stop starving yourself; you're so thin we have been worried about you for ages. We haven't said anything, you look more dead than alive, and then we get called up from reporter getting asked about your drug abuse because you've been seen buying drugs! It was a little bit too much on one evening! My girlfriend left me because I cared more about you than her, or so she said. She might be right you know, because there're always so many reasons to worry about you Ino. Why do you keep doing this to yourself?"

I ran over and hugged him, I had been crying the whole time. I didn't know how bad things were, I didn't say I had been chewing painkillers on his doorstep like tic tac's. I would deny using drugs, I need pain killers. It wasn't like heroin or cocaine, I needed pain killers because there was always something hurting and I hadn't taken the time to get it through a doctor. "I didn't mean for anyone to see it, I was going to tell you all about it. I don't have an eating disorder, I don't starve myself, and I'm just not hungry anymore." I didn't say anything about the drinking. I didn't have a valid reason for that, just that it makes me feel better. It made me feel so much better when I hated who am I, every single fiber. "It's going to be okay, we're here for you, we're here." He tried to comfort me. Why did I only cause pain to those who cares about me?

We sat down in his living room, me in the couch, and he in a chair. He tried to feed me a sandwich. I turned it down saying I had eaten before I came over. He was new at this; he bought the simple lie without any questions. We sat there in silence, I took a cigarette. I offered him one, he took it. Had I been in a better mood I would have found this hilarious, but I didn't. There was a pizza box on the table and some magazines. Nick would sometimes read about us and show us when he found something funny. Something told me it hadn't been something funny that he had found this time. None of us knew what to say, we just sat there, smoking. I could picture us sitting there filling the room with smoke. I gave a small laugh, he looked at me. I leaned back. I could hear him stump his cigarette on the ashtray. "I do drugs." I opened my eyes and looked over at him. I looked for any sign that he might be lying. I didn't find any and moved my gaze to the celling. I had played with the idea that he was on drugs earlier, but threw it quickly away. "You're not the only one with problems you know. We all have flaws and we do things we're not proud of."

"I'll stop drinking if you stop doing drugs. It isn't good for you, you can get sick, and you can lose your mind. I couldn't stand losing you to something as drugs!" I went and sat on his lap, only so I could hug him. I started crying again. I couldn't believe how he could do something like that to himself, I couldn't see that I was doing the same to myself often twice over every day. "It can't be that hard, not when we have each other." I didn't believe myself, so I didnt think he would. "Ino, I hit her. I think I love her; still I treated her like nothing. She asked me to quit too, I can't, I can't!" We were both crying, he had both been suffering. We would both continue to do so, but we had each other now. It was some comfort. "I don't ever want to hurt you; I don't ever want to lose you Ino." I got a feeling of despair, that nothing could ever make me feel better, that my life would always stay like this. Nothing could ever get better. I broke off the hug and kissed him. It was different this time. We were both sober, but we were in desperate need to feel alive, to feel cared for and even as cliché as it sounded, worthy of love.

It was something in the rawness of our kisses, the pure desperation. His playful laughter that escaped him when he whispered in my ear that he couldn't unhook my bra, I had to do it for him. How he liked it when I bent down in front of him to pull down his pants. How he didn't like it when I stopped moving to kiss him so he would grab my hips and try to pull me up. It wasn't until we had come halfway he stopped me. "Ino, I'm not wearing a condom." I made the o mouth thinking. "I haven't taken my pill in two days to so." He looked so cute sweaty with his hair sticking to his face and flustered. "Let's move it to the bedroom." He kissed me; I couldn't help but to agree with everything he could say. He grabbed my hand and ran to the bedroom, I couldn't help but to laugh, not even half an hour ago I wanted to die. Now, now it felt like I've never been happier, it could be because I was doing something stupid that I knew I would regret. I just couldn't care at the present time, it felt too good.

We talked for a little while when we were done. I'm not sure who fell asleep first, but we slept until dinner time. He was sleeping on top of me. I couldn't help but to think that the gender roles would be switched if we ever were in a relationship. He smiled sheepishly at me when I woke up. "I could go for another round if you're up for it." If I had been stronger I would have pushed him off. "You're not believable!" I laughed, he just kept on smiling. "No! The answer is no!" He rolled off me, "It was worth a try." I started getting dressed, went to the bathroom and freshened up. "We got to stop doing this," I said when I returned. He was still in bed. "Want to go out for dinner or something?" I lay down beside him. "Being naked feels great!" I gave him a gentle punch in the shoulder. "Don't get too comfortable, I want pasta." He sighed and got ready. He was happy that I wanted to eat after all.

I had to call him a douchbag when he pulled the "I'm famous" card to get us a table and food before everybody else. I didn't say that I minded him doing so. "You got to use it for what it's worth." I could understand why he did so; he was interrupted several times during our meal, so the fast service was reasonable. We didn't talk much; I think it started to sink in what we had just done. I still don't think I regret it. We were so different in some way, but we fitted so well together. Maybe I did like him, it crushed heart that he had confessed to loving someone else that day. "Will you try to get her back, your ex?" He didn't answer straight away, he was chewing. "I've known her since I started school. She wasn't a girl I wanted to use and throw away. I would give a lot to get her back, but I think I hurt her too much. I don't deserve her, I think she knows that too." Like I ever had a chance with him.

Deidara was watching TV when I came back. My stomach was hurting I had eaten too much. On the kitchen table bottles and pillboxes were gathered. Deidara walked out of his room. "I cleaned out your room." I wanted to react with rage, but I had hired him to do this. "I'm going to stop drinking." I told him, I had my mind set on it even if I knew I would fail. "And the rest?" He was talking about the painkillers. "I can go to a doctor and get them legally if that makes you feel better. It's just easier for me this way." I knew that no doctor would give me what I needed, we both knew. "You got to stop abusing yourself, you can't go on like this! We're all worried about you, this is going too far." He was so stuck up! "I had sex with Jules today," I didn't know where I was going with this. I didn't know how I wanted him to react, with rage, with sadness, jealousy? I'm sure I didn't want him to just stand there. I went to take a shower since he didn't have anything else to say.


	12. Old Box of Pills

The next month went along pretty fast; we started practicing our new songs and got done. I got drunk 17 times and continued taking pills, I just had to be clever about it. Me and Deidara continued our talks, I grew more found of him. I started respecting him more, looking at things from his point of view. I accepted that everything he did, he did to help me. Don't mean that I always agreed on it. I hooked up with Jules every now and then, Nick turned 22 I ended up hitting on Sasuke to make him uncomfortable. It worked very well, but then he started flirting back and I freaked out.

We were working long days in the studio, I was dead tired of every song we had made. You know when you like one song and you listen to it over and over again and you still like it? Try listening to it something like 978 times! You might want to go and kill yourself, and this was just the start. Not to mention that all I wanted was to hit the closest bar, so I tried to smoke it away. It didn't help, just put me a few days closer to death and all that. Some days we didn't even bothered going home because it was too late at night.

"Sasuke, what's your deepest fear?" I know he wouldn't answer me, but I didn't have anything better to do. I shared rooms with Sasuke, and I couldn't sleep. I could hear from his breathing that he had the same problem. "Not being good enough." If it hadn't been so dark I would have looked over to see if it was really him. "My family has high expectations to me, I don't think I can live up to them up to them like my brother did." If I really wanted to poke fun of him, but it wasn't the time and place. "I think you're better than him, you're more human. You don't show it too good, but you really do have emotions." He mumbled thanks. I wasn't sure how to follow up the conversation. I wasn't used to talking like this with Sasuke. "Why are you always sad? What happened to you, I can't figure you out." I heard him move in his bed. "I hate myself, I hate my own company, but I also hate life so I push everyone away. Isn't that ironic?" I snorted; I didn't think I was allowed to laugh in this situation. "Then why don't you change?" I was honest, I didn't know how. "You always have me, for company, not too much conversation." I thanked him and said good night, I cried in silence.

"Why don't we just stay here out the week and finish this shit?" Nick asked. He, like everyone was tired of recording. "It would give us more time before we start touring again," Sasuke followed up. We agreed me mostly because everyone else wanted it. I made a mess on my plate and went to take a shower. They were so naïve, I almost felt bad for tricking them all the time. I heard someone knock on my door. "Ino, when you get out of there, you're eating." Okay, so it didn't work. "I did eat!" I turned off the shower. "No, we never saw you eat. Don't be fucking around now." I wrapped a towel around myself and opened the door. "So what, I'm not hungry. You don't want me to feel sick when we're recording do you?" Nick was staring at me. "No, but rather that than you dying." I gave him an annoyed laugh. "It's not like it's going to kill me! Why can't I just skip one meal one day when I'm not feeling good?" I think he gave up when he walked away.

I ate a carrot for snacks just to please them, and a grapefruit for lunch. I couldn't keep it down. My stomach was hurting badly. I took some painkillers hoping it would all go away, I was feeling worse by dinner, I doubled my dose after throwing up again. "We both know eating doesn't help if you're just going to go and throw it up again." Jules had been listening to me. "It's not like I made myself throw up! I feel like shit! Okay, perhaps I didn't even want to throw up! So get the fuck off my case!" He stopped, I walked away. We got done early and went to bed early. The tension had been horrible. Everybody had heard me yelling at Jules. Everybody knew what mood I was in. They wanted to survive so they kept away.

I couldn't sleep, my stomach was killing me and painkillers didn't help. It was then it hit me, Jules had drugs. He was on heroin, heroin could be used as a painkiller. Thankfully both Jules and Nick were sleeping when I made my way into their room. I found Jules bag and took it with me outside. I would make too much noise looking for it in there. I found a clean needle and some heroin. I had seen Jules prepare it once, I did my best to mimic what he had done. I felt bad about injecting it into my body, painkillers were okay. They were pills, this was liquid, this was an illegal drug.

I was glad I had done it in the bathroom. It didn't take too long before I felt extremely nauseated. I threw up, I mostly coughed. It wasn't much too throw up. It felt like someone was constantly hitting with a baseball bat. I tried to calm down, I tried to breathe calmly. I took whatever painkillers I had. I even stumbled into Nick and Jules room; I was hoping I didn't wake them up like I was hoping this feeling would go away. I felt extremely tired, so I was happy when I lay down next to Jules.

"Ino, what are you doing here?" He didn't get any answer. "Ino!" He tried a bit louder; he didn't want to wake up Nick. "Ino!" He tried gently shaking her. "Are you having wet dreams about her now again?" Nick laughed, sleep had deeply infiltrated his voice. "No man, she's here. She's not waking up!" Nick got up and turned on the lights. He was right; Ino was laying there in her fuzzy pink socks, her hair hanging outside of the bed. She looked so innocent and peaceful. "INO!" Jules gave her a light slap, still trying to shake her awake. "This is not fun! Wake up!" Nick looked around; he could feel his heart beating in his throat. This was real. He could hear Sasuke moving in the hallway. "Jules, why did you throw your stuff all over the bathroom? We said we don't want to see your shit hanging around, it's bad enough that you're doing it." Nick looked from Sasuke to Ino, he knew why she wasn't waking up. He called an ambulance to report what they were sure was a heroin overdose. They asked questions he couldn't answer. He gave the phone to Jules, he tried to get a grip. He had never felt so bad, he knew every piece of information could save her he also knew that every second was vital.

"Is she breathing right?" Nick asked. He was told she was breathing slowly. Jules grabbed her hand; her nails were turning blue as her lips were. He couldn't help but to cry, she was so cold. He knew that if he took a look on her eyes her pupils would almost be gone. Sasuke had gone to find some pants to put on her before the ambulance came. He felt like he was violating her, disgracing her, even if he was putting on her clothes. He knew she should have been able to do this herself while laughing at herself for not being able to sleep in pants. Maybe he even hoped it would wake her up, but she was still lying there, lifeless. "I'm so sorry," Jules cried. "It's not your fault; I've been harassing her all day about eating. We all ignored her this evening; she never said it was this bad." Jules couldn't look at her, but he still couldn't move his gaze away from her. He was like frozen, like she looked and felt like. "She told me, she told me so many times. I tried to be there for her, I tried to make her feel better. Instead I gave her an easy way out, she didn't even know I was using when I said it. We were going to quit together. She drinking, me drugs. She didn't use them, it's my entire fault. Now I've killed her." Sasuke got up. "Stop! Just stop both of you! She isn't gone, and she did this entirely herself, but we don't know if she did it on purpose! We'll have to ask her when she wakes up." Nick said what they all were afraid to say. "If she wakes up."

The ambulance came, Jules didn't want to let go of her. Nick had to help. "It's going to be okay, she's going to come back complaining about something in no time. This isn't the last time we'll see her alive." They followed the ambulance in a cab. They weren't allowed in the ambulance. Jules had lost it, he didn't know that to think, he could only blame himself. Once at the hospital they called Deidara to let him know. "Heroin? She doesn't do heroin, tell them it is painkillers. Trust me, it is painkillers! I'll be there as soon as I can." Nick went over to the counter. The lady was stressed out trying her best to do as much as possible in as little time as possible. "It's about Ino Dubois, she" he was cut of short. "There's no news." The lady look frustrated, she had just come in. "No, it's not that. We think it might have been painkillers, not heroin." The lady nodded. "That changes everything, I'll have them check it out, time is short."

Nick went over to the others. Sasuke was trying his best to comfort Jules. "It wasn't your shit, she did it herself. She's been lying to us this whole time. I know it isn't the right time to be mad at her, but she's been doing drugs herself." Sasuke looked up at him. Jules calmed down to hear what he had to say. "Every time we asked her she was probably so high on painkillers that she didn't know what was going on, that nasty little whore that!" He was cut off again, this time by Jules fist. "Finish that and you'll regret it!" Nick was too out of it to feel the pain. "Of course, you guys probably had secret drug meetings before you fucked each other like the simple minded animals you are!" Jules cringed his fists. "Don't you think I know? I had to be there for her every single fucking time you slowly broke her heart into smaller pieces. Don't you think she loves you? Don't you think it hurts for me who loved her too, but you don't care shit about her! You just feed her drugs and fuck her! What is it to you if she dies? You can just find some other skank to replace her!" Jules fist connected with Nicks face again, but this time Nick punched back. Security was needed to pull them apart. If they didn't calm down the police would have to be called in. They agreed to silently hate each other Deidara came in bringing an old box of the pills she used to take. Where would Ino have been without him?


	13. In the Same Bed

"Guys, she's going to be okay, let's not argue," Sasuke agreed. "She would have slapped both of you, maybe even twice then she would scream and give some death threats." Nick couldn't help but to smile. "I didn't mean what I said about her, I was just so mad and scared." Jules looked over at him, he was not so forgiving. "Anger is a normal reaction," Deidara told him. They were happy to have Deidara there, he was trained for situations like this. A nurse came out, "The treatment against an heroin overdose showed no sign of improvement, but she stabilized after we started treating her for an painkiller overdose. She was close to stop breathing so the doctor had to give her an antidote. We're going to have to keep her so we can check on her and do some further testing."

Jules jumped out of his seat. He demanded to see her, his wish was granted. The rest allowed him to have some time alone with her. She was still pale and was struggling to stay awake. She must have been expecting them. He didn't know what to do, so he just looked at her from the door. The fact that he had been so close to losing her made him hurt in ways he never had experienced. "Please don't hate me for this," he begged. She looked over at him, that single movement seemed to drain her for what little power she had left. "I didn't do it so I would never wake up, it just hurt, I'm sick of it always hurting. Why do I always have to feel like this?" He walked over to her and sat down on the chair. He was afraid to get too close to her, she was so fragile. "I was so afraid of losing you, why did you have to do that?" She didn't answer, he cried. She was done talking for that night. She just kept on repeating that she hadn't wanted to die to every person that came by, with one exception. "Deidara, please, forgive me. I think I love you and I don't want to die without you knowing, without us trying."

The media blew it up as a suicide attempt; Itachi had never gotten so many calls. The record label called up pushing the release of the new CD saying they were at their peak. Something was changed in the everyday person. They had grown awfully found of Ino. If it was out of sympathy, regret, guilt or even something as crazy as her talent wasn't sure to say. She herself refused to talk to the media. Band members and friends kept visiting. She should have been out by now.

"I am fine!" Ino refused to admit defeat. She refused to acknowledge what she had done to her body. She had weak bones, something that would be normal if you added sixty years to her age, what had been the biggest problem was that she was infertile. She couldn't have children. Everybody made a big deal about it, she was happy. Her biggest worry was that they made her eat food. Jules had lectured her about drugs, Nick had gotten on to her about lying, Sasuke had offered help, and Deidara had spent his share of time telling her why she was confused about her feelings towards him. Itachi, among many others had sent her flowers.

She was meet by a group of paparazzi's leaving the hospital, giving a weak smile still not walking perfect as a side effect of the overdose. Jules got her safely to the car, helping her on the way. She fell before he finally picked her up and carried her. The whole thing was touching, he would do anything for her even if carrying her was a small gesture. She had felt locked up in the hospital, he had felt guilty. None of them had really touched on why she did it, or why she had been abusing painkillers. They were too afraid to hurt her; she was dying to let everyone know. She wanted to be honest about everything.

I was sitting next to Jules, he was driving. "I didn't do it to die." He had to keep his eyes on the road, some cars were following us. "I've heard that." I looked out of the window, anywhere but on him. "I know, but you don't believe me." He was upset. "What do you want me to think? That you were just playing around with my heroin then just felt like swallowing whatever you had of pills?" He yelled, he was really upset. "If I really wanted to die, wouldn't I have finished your drugs too?" He didn't answer that one. "I was just sick of feeling terrible. It hurts you know, to eat." He mumbled something, I told him to speak up. He wouldn't, I threatened him. "If you wouldn't have stopped eating in the first place you wouldn't have had this problem! You're killing yourself! You're killing me!" Oh, Jules.

He dropped me off at my place, I said I was tired and had changed my mind. I didn't want to go home with him. He helped me carry my bag, I gave him a tense awkward hug and said bye. Deidara had been watching. "He has strong feelings for you, but he isn't sure if they are friendly or romantic. It hurts me that you're sleeping with him." If Jules hadn't carried my bag I would have dropped it now. I wasn't sure what to do, run up to him and kiss him or run after Jules. I walked up to him. "That could be us you know." I looked into his eyes. "Our relationship is supposed to be professional." He was too stiff at times, I loved that about him. "I can replace you with someone else, if that's what you want. I know I can't replace what I feel for you." He shook his head. "It would be taking advantage of you, it would be wrong of me." I was so close to him that I could smell him, he smelt like mint, mint chocolate. "You could make any excuse you want, you can give any explanation for my feelings, they are still there." He shook his head again and walked away. He was too much of a good person to do that.

I sat down in the couch; I didn't know what to do. I didn't feel like doing anything. When I had finally come to terms with my feelings for him he would reject me like this. I would just have to forget about him, so I called Nick. He didn't answer, I growled. I check the time and found out that it was a good moment to call Naruto to hear how he was doing. "I don't know, I'm low on cash and I'm struggling to find a job." He sounded tired, I felt bad for him. "I'll pay for your trip over here, and I'll help you." I could hear him on the other end. "I can't let you do that, what good will it do me in the end? I have to get a job, but thank you for the offer." He didn't get it. "Listen up stupid; I'm more popular than ever. Freelance an interview with me and sell it. That'll give you some good money." And that was an offer too good to turn down. I transferred some money to him the same night.

Nick called me back later, claiming to have been cleaning. "Yeah, like you ever clean. Was he cute, did he ask you out on a second date?" He didn't laugh. "Ino… I know we have talked some, but don't ever do that again. What the hell were you thinking? Do you know how much that crap has fucked up Jules?" I didn't know, I've been too busy feeling sorry for myself. "He seems pretty happy to me." Not the answer he wanted. "Fuck Ino! Why did you ever lie to us like that?" I didn't want to have this talk over the phone. He invited me over, I told Deidara that I was going out. He didn't seem to care too much.

If Nick had been cleaning he didn't do a good job. He greeted me with a hug, we normally only hugged when we said goodbye. It was an odd thing of him to do. Every hug had been out of the normal lately. "I didn't think I had a problem you know, with the pills. I had it all under control, I needed them." He had offered me some water, I drank some of it. "Please, please tell me you have stopped now." I shook my head, he looked deeply upset. "It's not like I can get up one day and quit! I have to cut down first." He didn't say anything after that. "Oh Nick," If his look could kill I would have been on the ground. "I didn't want any of this, I never wanted anyone to worry about me, and I didn't think anyone would care." He jumped out of his seat. "Newsflash Ino! We do care about you, it seems to me that all we ever do is worrying! You're fucking skinny, you look almost dead and we're afraid you'll break or something if we touch you! You get drunk all the time and lose all control! And you seem to hate all of us, and it hurts because I love you!"

Making out didn't feel unnatural, the feeling I got when I took it one step further was. I wasn't sure what feeling it had been, I didn't like it.

I went to a bar on the way home, tried to drink away the feeling. It didn't go too well, so I went home before I got too drunk. Deidara was waiting up; I think he knew straight away that I had been drinking. "Let's go to bed now Ino, you need rest." He helped me take off my coat; I kicked off my shoes by my own. "It smells like coffee, have you been drinking too!" I giggled, it ended in a loud snort. "Now let us go to bed and make sweet love my Italian lover!" I yelled raising my fist to the air. "Yes, you're going to bed now." I twirled my arm around his neck. He didn't resist. "Deidara, I want to climb you," I whispered into his ear. If he wasn't too tired of me he would be suppressing his laughter right now. I stumbled and fell towards him. His chest was hard. "Admit that you want me to, I need you. Only you can love me like I need to be loved." He didn't say anything. He didn't move. I didn't know what he was thinking. I wanted to know, but I didn't think it would make any sense to me.

He didn't turn me down or do anything. I took this as an invitation to kiss him. Still there was no reaction, he didn't reject it or kiss back. I lead him to his bedroom. He moved when I started walking. I pushed him against the edge off his bed and we both fell down on it. Still he was stiff as a stick, but he wasn't as bad as when we first started. Heck, he even started to kiss back when I went for his pants. "No, Ino. I don't want you to do this. You're drunk, if we'll ever have a first time I don't want it to be like this. You might regret it later, and I don't want to take advantage of you." I stopped, what he just said made little to no sense to me. "Oh, shut up hussy boy. Can we at least sleep in the same bed?" He didn't turn me down this time. So I made some progress on him. I fell asleep with my head on his chest. His skin was so warm and soft and I felt safe with his arm wrapped around me.


	14. Getting it Out

Deidara didn't wake up at seven that next morning, and I didn't have any problems sleeping. I hadn't even woken up once during the night. He was the first one to wake up, we hadn't moved since last night. I could feel him play with my hair, it woke me up. I didn't want to open my eyes, too afraid it wasn't real. "I know you're awake," he whispered. I made a small m sound, just so he would know he had caught me. "I don't think this is right." I didn't want to hear this right now. "Let's just enjoy the moment, it feels right to me." I kissed him on the check. "I'm sorry I had been drinking, I stopped when I started thinking about how it would hurt you." I started circling his chest with my finger. "I felt bad because of what I had done, so I wanted it to go away, it didn't work. I don't know why I felt bad, I have never felt like that before," He stopped playing with my hair. "You know you can't have three lovers, you're playing all of us and we're all going to end up hurt. Could it be guilt you were feeling?" I dropped my hand. "I don't want them; I'm going to end it. It's you I want. I'd do anything for you." I don't know if he believed me or not.

He was able to make me sit down for breakfast, I had an egg. Hell, I even laughed, I had a good time. It didn't help on my stomach; it felt like I was dying. I had to lie down, Deidara was worried. I wanted to go and throw up, but I was going to be strong. I was going to get better. "Sure you're okay?" I asked for some painkillers. The doctor had said I could take seven every day the first two weeks. I had five more to go for that day. I must have fallen asleep. Deidara was cleaning when woke up. He looked so funny swinging that mop around. My stomach didn't hurt too bad anymore. It was almost good now. Deidara finished and sat down next to me. "If you're feeling better about eating, do you want to be hospitalized for a while? They can help you with anything you might need." I didn't answer straight away, I didn't like that idea. It was silly, I wasn't even that sick. "If not, I can do my best in helping you, but I'm no dietitian." I nodded. "I'd like that, I feel better with you around." He grabbed my hand and squeezed it before he got up again.

I had almost forgotten that Naruto was coming over that night. I told Deidara that I had to pick him up and would eat dinner with him. He didn't argue on that. He should have, I had eaten once that day and figured it was more than enough. Naruto was going to stay at a hotel since Deidara had my guestroom. Naruto hadn't changed that much since last time only that he had a wedding ring this time. I ran up to him and gave him a hug. He still had that sheepish smile and gorgeous golden hair. "Thank you so much for getting me here. You have no idea what it means to me." I think I knew how much it meant to him, I didn't say anything. We took a cab over to the hotel he would be staying at. He was tired; his flight had been over 12 hours long. I could understand him. "Are you hungry, or do you want to go straight to bed? You must be tired." He said he was tired and that we would meet tomorrow morning.

I wasn't sure what to do after that, I wanted to have a drink. I called up Jules, too ashamed to have anything to do with Nick just yet. "Yeah, sure. Just come on over, eating some pizza if you're hungry. You need to eat you know, have you eaten dinner today?" I said I had and hung up. I wondered how many pizzas he would eat in a year, if he was malnourished or something. Buying him some of those vitamin bears for kids would be hilarious!

I used the key I had been given to get in. I didn't even bother ringing the doorbell. He was expecting me you know. In the living room sat Nick pigging in on pizza with Jules. I felt extremely awkward. They both looked at me, then at each other they, both thought they were the only one I had something going on it. "We have a cheese pizza for you," I sat down in the chair. "No thank you, it's too late for eating heavy food." Nick finished chewing his pizza and asked me what I had eaten for dinner; I said chicken salad without the chicken and laughed. I was called silly and both laughed with. "So totally honest, no lies, you have eaten dinner today?" I blew up; I was so tired of being asked questions like that. "Have you had your heroin today?" A slice of pizza dropped. "Ino that was uncalled for" Nick sounded calm, but not too pleased. "It's the same thing! I'm so sick of everyone being all up in my face about the eating! I just came here so I wouldn't end doing something stupid I'll regret. Then I just get this crap!" Jules finally came back to earth again. "Ino, please don't use that against me. You don't have any idea how it feels. That it could have killed you, that I can't stop using even if I want to? You have the choice; you just keep starving yourself for vanity. You can just start eating and everybody would be so much better off." I got up. "Yeah, I get it! I'm just so shallow and keep doing this for fun. You guys would be so better off if I was dead, and that's what you keep hoping will happen because I'm such a selfish whore! Oh and I slept with both of you on the same day, fuck! I wasn't even released from the hospital before Jules wanted a try, but I'm the evil one because I only care about myself! Because my problems aren't real, it's just games I'm playing to hurt everybody around me!" I stormed off, they came after me but I made a run for it.

I didn't make it further than some shabby looking bar. I could start my first day as sober tomorrow. It wasn't like I could sink any deeper. Some guy with red hair waved at me so I went over to him. He introduced himself as Gaara. He had a doctor degree in dirt; I found that funny after a couple of drinks. He was an okay guy, he looked good. Sort of pale and the tattoo in his face I wasn't sure if I liked or not. I think his manliner was sort of thick, but cool. "No, I mean it Gaara! I believe in the Easter Bunny! You got to have some faith and fairytales in this world!" I had no idea how we had gotten to that theme. I don't remember much of that night. I remember waking up in a stranger's bed when Naruto called me. He said I could come whenever I wanted. This Gaara from yesterday asked me out for breakfast, I turned him down saying I had to work. It was uncomfortable.

I didn't want to show up in the same clothes as yesterday so I dropped by some store before I went over to Naruto's hotel room. I didn't remember his number so he had to pick me up in the lobby. The whole thing could have looked suspicious if it hadn't been so early. "Slept good?" He nodded, going on about how big his bed was. He wasn't used to this. I had to laugh, Naruto was so innocent. Might have been why he got fired, he didn't have it in him. I wondered why he ever became a journalist. I didn't want to ask him, it might insult him and I didn't want to do that. We went back up to his room. I wasn't sure what to say at first. "Congratulations on the ring." Naruto looked down on it. "It is the first thing a girl notices, isn't it?" I wasn't sure if it was a joke or not. I spent a laugh on it. "What do you plan on doing after this?" I sat down on his bed, hoped he wouldn't mind. "I'm not sure, try making some money. Go back to France I figure." He sat down next to me. "Yeah, too bad you live so far away."

"What is it about me?" He wanted to know, I could understand him. "You're honest, and I do think you genially care." He didn't argue on it. "You're one of a kind yourself." I couldn't help but to agree to that. I think he was happy there was only one of me too, one is almost too much. Nick tried to call me, I ignored his call. "Something important?" I shook my head. "No, just one of the biggest scumbags on earth." I growled. "Boyfriend problems?" I told him I was single and always would be. He just laughed and said I would find somebody one day. I couldn't help but to think of Deidara, if my feelings didn't change I would be forever alone.

We did the interview, it was mentally straining and went on for hours. I didn't care anymore, I told him everything he could possible wonder. He knew more about me than any other living person when we were done. It was a scary thought. I went home to Deidara, he didn't say anything. I knew he was disappointed, I was too. "Where were you last night?" I had made myself some coffee and looked down in the cup. "I… I'm too weak, I can't do this. Believe me! I want to, and I hate myself for it." I watched the rings move in my coffee hitting the edges, I still drank it. It didn't taste like tears, it tasted like coffee always did. I had now become so empty that my tears didn't have any taste.

"Ino, we know you can do this. You just have to keep on trying, I'll be here every time you have a fall out, I'll be here if you ever need anything." He bent down in front of me and took a hold of my hands. "What if I don't want to stop, what if I give up?" His warm hands felt good against my cold ones. "I meet a friend from France today, I told him everything. I was so sure it would make me feel better. I'm not sure if it does, or it does feel so much better. It also feel like I have up a big part of myself, and I'm always so afraid of losing myself. That I'll become someone else, that I'll change too much. Maybe that's why I cling to old habits, that's why I keep destroying every good thing in my life. I downright want to be miserable, because that's who I am. I don't think I want to be that person, but I'm too afraid to be happy because I've never truly been happy in so many years."


	15. You're Not the Only One

I watched a movie with Deidara later the same night. I like movies so I had a film projector in my living room. Later we just talked, about silly things without any importance. He is quite funny when you get past his uptight side. I thanked him before I went to bed; I think he knew what I meant.

Even if I was happy I couldn't fall asleep, I wondered if Deidara was still awake. I got up and found the vodka bottle I had hidden in my sock drawer. I drank all of it, hoping it would make me fall asleep. It didn't. I got dressed and went out, hoping I didn't get noticed. In some ways Deidara was like a father to me, it was disturbing in some ways. I didn't want to hurt his feelings and rules, but I didn't want to follow them. I walked over to Jules place, I felt bad about yesterday. The streets were almost empty, well considering where I was. It was quite releasing, I ran the last part. Rang his doorbell several times, didn't care if I woke him up. Normally he wouldn't be sleeping. He might have been this time. I rang a couple of times before I gave up and sat down. I just had to wait for him, he would open eventually.

I must have fallen asleep. He was standing in front of me when I wake up. He had a girl standing behind him. This was uncomfortable. "I just wanted to say sorry about yesterday…" He nodded, took out his keys, gave them to the girl and told her to go inside. He was all over me as soon as she had closed the door. I told him no when he pushed me up against the wall. He looked surprised, there was something burning inside his eyes. "There's someone waiting for you in there." I gave a sad smile. "Oh, Ino! It's not like you're the only one." I studied his eyes, there was something about them. "I never thought I was, but I know I am the best one." He smiled and kissed me again. This time I didn't resist. I didn't care anymore. I didn't want to, but I couldn't resist him.

We ran away from the girl, we got a hotel room and spent the night there. I ordered some bottles of wine, I didn't need them. I was pretty drunk, but I wanted them. I needed them to get through the night, I needed them to live. "Jules, what are you running from?" We all had our reasons for what we did; I didn't know his reason for what he did. "I don't think we need to talk about that now, you'll just think that I'm stupid." Like he didn't think I was stupid. "I had a dream once, we were sitting on a bus, and you were talking about how you had spent your Christmas. It was your first Christmas with your family; you had a wife and child. I was all alone. I had ran away from everyhing to try something new somewhere else. I had spent my Christmas all alone, nobody had even bothered to call me. It hurt that you had a family, because we're so much alike in some ways, just that you have a brighter future 'm sure." I had to see if he had fallen asleep, he became so silent.

I was sure he actually had when he spoke. "It's because you never let anyone in."

I thought about it, I didn't know what was wrong with me. Did I have trust problem? Didn't I let anyone in? "Jules, why do you think we're both here?" He shifted. "Because we are cowards, we don't want to deal with our problems so we create new ones." He was right, I bit my lips. "How is it like? Doing heroin," He was laying on his stomach looking over at me. "I'm not going to lie, it feels great." I copied his style and lay down on my stomach too. "I'll let you try some Oxycontin if I can try some Heroin." The whole idea was sick, this night had been sick, the smile he gave me was sick.

I was hoping it would work better this time, he helped me inject the needle, and I helped him crush my painkillers. He snorted them; I only gave him 40 milligrams. I hoped it was enough, and it was. His high hit before mine. I wasn't sure if I liked heroin, painkillers gave a much stronger feeling. Not that I didn't like the heroin, I just wasn't convinced. "And this, this is why I love you!" He kissed me. He was all energetic while I could hardly seem to care what happened. It didn't seem to matter. "Do you really love me? Because I'm not sure if I love you." He slapped me. I laughed so did he. "You better love me, because now I have you all locked up in this dark, scary room. Behave or I have to tie you up!" I slapped him too, we laughed again. He lifted my shirt and slapped my stomach. I pulled down his pants and slapped his legs. I would wake up bruised and sore all over the next morning.

"Ino, lets order something good to eat." He was still high from the painkillers, I wasn't. I found this as a good excuse to take some myself. He wanted some more too, if the drugs hadn't started working yet I would have felt bad. "I ran out of heroin," he whispered in my ear before he kissed the back of it. "I want some mango and diet coke." He wanted an open sandwich with shrimps and mayo. He ordered room service; we had messed up our room pretty badly. I just couldn't seem to care. I ate without worrying about the fruit sugar and the unhealthy soda. I felt sick after I was done eating. Jules who had eaten eight pieces of bread seemed to be doing fine. I threw up. "No, honestly! We got to stop doing this, or I can't speak for you, but I have to quit!"

My phone called. It was Nick, Jules looked down and it and was about to answer it. I found this as a legitimate reason to jump on him. I answered it. "Hey Nick! Hey!" He sighed. "It's not even ten in the morning and you're wasted off your ass, or did you never sober up." I rolled my eyes. "Like you never do something wrong in your life and no I have not been drinking." Jules started ticking me under my feet. I screamed. "Why are you screaming?" I kicked Jules away. "Sorry, a stray cat or something started rubbing my leg, scared me." Jules just smiled. "It's very ugly and filthy, I think it has diseases." His smiled dropped. "Whatever, you're so strange. Just wanted to congratulate you on going on The Late Show." I cleared my throat. "I am?" I couldn't remember anything about that. "Yeah, Itachi called looking for you." I nodded even if he couldn't see it. "Thanks, I'll call him later." I hung up. "JULES! I'm going to The Late Show! How awesome isn't that?"

I got dressed and left Jules behind. I had to go and look for Itachi. I ran into his office, he was on the phone. I sat down. It seemed like years had passed before he was done. "Yes? Did anyone get a hold of you?" I nodded. "Is it true?" Itachi gave a smile. "It is?" I squealed. "Yeah, I called because they are going to do the recording next Monday." I nodded; I would be fine as long as it wasn't today. I got some more details. Ran behind Itachi's desk and hugged him. I wondered if he ever has had any human contact beside the polite handshake. "Just don't mess up, okay?" He was put off by the hug. I ran out of his office, forgetting to say goodbye.

I made it home to Deidara. "When did you go out?" He had to see what time it was. "Eh, last night. I couldn't sleep so I went to see if Jules was still awake and he was." I smiled and walked past him. "You need to tell me when you just decide to leave!" I needed to take a shower; my I had a missed call when I got back out. It was from Jules. I didn't feel like returning his call. I was drying my hair when Deidara came in. "What's for dinner?" I thought about it, "I'm not way too hungry, but… Cheese and crackers? Real cheese, European and some tea would be good! Mint tea, or wait! Not crackers, tea bread. The small square dry bread you know. It is so good, but then we might need something wet to put on top of it. I wonder if coconut oil would be good. I don't think so, but Italian salad would." Deidara didn't say anything. He just stood there in awe.

I had taken him shopping at all these strange places to find what I wanted. I didn't eat too much, I mostly drank tea. Still it was a step forward. I didn't feel bad eating in front of Deidara. I was more relaxed when he wasn't constantly looking down at my plate to see if I had eaten anything. I was even allowed to buy some alcohol free wine under doubt. It didn't taste as good as the real deal, but it was better than nothing. Deidara told me how it was like growing up in California, both of his parents came from Japan. My great-grandfather or something was from Japan to. That's why my last name used to be Yamanaka. I had changed it when I ran away. I missed that name, it was so different.

"Deidara, do you value your freedom more than your life?" He grunted. "What do you mean by that?" I was lying on the couch; I think he was reading the newspaper. "Would life really be worth living if you weren't free to have your own beliefs and share them, didn't have freedom to do what you want?" He put his newspaper down. "I would choose to live so I could fight to win my freedom back." I didn't ask him anymore questions. He gave me something to think about. "I think most people would live on minding their own business. I don't think I would have wanted to live in a world like that." Deidara gave a small laugh. "How would you even come up with something like that? I don't think that's ever going to be an issue around here."

I walked into Deidara bedroom later that night. I couldn't sleep. "Something wrong?" he mumbled. I must have seen that I had brought my pillow, because he made room for me. I lay down, we didn't say anything. He kissed my nose and smiled before going back to sleep. With his arms around me I felt safe. I didn't have any problems falling asleep.


	16. The First Date

"Deidara, I love you." I kissed him, he just lay there. I didn't understand this. Normally he would push me away, now he's playing dead or something. "Deidara?" He just hm'ed. "You suck. Do you even care just a little for me?" I felt him move his hand beneath my neck. "Yes Ino." He sounded like a zombie. "We need to do something fun today." He didn't answer. "My interview is coming out today." Naruto had left; he had to go back to his wife. I was sad and I was mad at myself for not taking properly good bye with him. He had promised to be back soon, or I could visit him next time. "Ready for it?" I nodded and moved closer to him. My hand ran over his stomach. I wanted to try and kiss him again. "Why are you so indifferent to what I'm doing?" He wasn't even looking at me, he had hardly moved since we woke up.

It had been so these last five days. I would come into his room, do whatever I wanted to him then we would sleep. He would stop me if I went too far, normally that was in the boxer area. "I'm not sure what to do, I like you back, but it's wrong. Our relationship is supposed to be professional." He looked down at me this time. "Well, I'm all better now. I fire you." He just gave me a large smile. "I'm serious, you're fired." Now he looked more shocked. "Seriously? You're firing me?" I sat down on top of him. "Yes, I've never been more serious." He kissed me back this time. His lips were soft as his skin, nonetheless his mouth was always cold.

It just turned out to be a hot make out session. He still didn't want to sleep with me. I couldn't figure out why, was he one of those who didn't want to have sex before he was married. That was no fun. So I got dressed and went out. I went over to Jules place; he was playing some crappy rap music, really crappy and loud. I told him to turn it off, he turned it up. I hit him in the shoulder, he kissed me. I couldn't help but to wonder if I was cheating on Deidara right there and then. No, I couldn't. We weren't in a relationship, not more than me and Jules anyway. It didn't help on this feeling I had. "Jules, can we just not do that for once?" He stopped straight away. Examined my face to see if something was wrong, he had to ask. "No, I'm just not in the mood." He didn't say anything. Suddenly we had nothing to talk about. It hurt, we used to be so close, such good friends. Now we hadn't a single word to share anymore. We had become strangers.

I left his place, wanted to look for a bar that was open. I didn't, I ran away knowing it would be wrong of me. I wanted to go to Sasuke; he said he would be there if I wanted to talk. I needed to talk now. I found a cab; Sasuke didn't live in walking distance. I knocked on the door, waited for someone to open. I hadn't heard anything about him leaving town or something like that. So I sat down, laughing a sad laugh at what happened the last time I did this. I tried knocking again, this time I heard someone moving around. "Sasuke, its Ino! I don't give a crap what you look like if you're fixing your hair or something!" The door was opened. There stood Sasuke in a pair of gray sweatpants, topless. "Anything wrong?" I waved my hands. "Anything wrong? I've been waiting out here forever! And I feel like crap! I've blown it with Jules!" I walked in without an invitation. I had only been here once, and then I only stood in the hallway painted blood red. I've always taken Sasuke as a gory person because of that.

His living room was a royal blue. We sat down there. "I said to him that I didn't come to have sex with him, and then we had nothing. We just stood there looking around. When did our relationship become only physical? We used to get along great before, he was my best friend." Sasuke nodded. Offered me some chips, I didn't want any. He didn't comment on it, I don't think I was in the mood to deal with any of that. "You just have to find the things you relate over again, just get a conversation going." I nodded; logical thinking wasn't one of my treats. "I just felt so bad when he started kissing; I have been for a while." Sasuke leaned back in his chair. "It's simple, Ino. You have fallen for someone else. Jules can't give you that much joy anymore, can't give you what you want, because you want this other person." Why did Sasuke have such great insight?

I thanked him and went home again. "Deidara?" I ran in looking for him. He was sitting by the kitchen table reading some magazine. "Four page interview, that's not bad." I shook my head; I didn't care about that anymore. "Deidara, I ended things off with Jules today. I told him I don't want to do those things with him anymore. Nick was just a one-time thing, and I realized something." Deidara put down his magazine. "That is really good for you Ino." I smiled. I liked him being proud of me more than pissing him off. Both is funny, don't get me wrong. I'm just in love with this person right now. "I want you Deidara, and then I want only you. Because you can say what you want. I do love you!" He picked up his magazine again. Didn't want to deal with me. I waited for his response. It wouldn't come. "Deidara?" He looked at me from behind the magazine. "I just said that I love you, and I want us to try, can't you give me some sort of fucking response? A no would be better than this." I waited for the worse. "I'm just not on the same level as you. What about we go out on a date before we get married?" I laughed, he smiled. "Tonight at six then, I'll pick you up!" We laughed again.

It was Deidara who was the one worried about to wear. "Is it going to be suit and tie, or shabby jeans?" I had to laugh at him. "Now I know why you want to take things slow. You're gay, aren't you?" I laughed; he looked like I had ripped his guts out. "I'm only kidding, what about you… wearing black pants, a shirt with a V-neck sweater on top of that. Make that a red sweater, that'll be totally hot." I walked out of the room. I put on a short, strapless satin red dress. Not sure if it would look totally good next to what I had ordered Deidara to wear, but I couldn't seem to care. I had a thin leather jacket on top and 6-inch black heels. I felt killer when I was ready putting on red lipstick. Deidara had put all of his hair down for the occasion. I think I like it better all down. He smiled and asked if I was ready to go. I was.

We went to a pretty upper-class restaurant. I didn't know if I did this to impress Deidara or not. I pulled the "I'm famous" card like Jules had taught me. Pretty pleased when it worked, I would have died if it didn't. Since Deidara was here and other stuff… Stuff evolving Deidara, I just wanted everything to be perfect. I ordered some classy pasta thing, he wanted some strange fish thing. I wasn't used to going to places like this. "This was nice," he said and looked around. It was mostly elderly people and over achievers here. "It's boring, let's do something sick when we're done eating." Deidara just smiled. I felt awkward. I was afraid he was bored. "So, what did you do today when I was gone today?" He just shrugged. "I called my parents." The talk was slow so I kicked out my leg hitting his. I followed down to his ankle, made my other leg join and pulled off his shoe. "Ino!" He had looked shocked since I first touched him, but didn't speak up before now. I just laughed. Things went better after that.

I ended up pulling him into a sort of run down place. "I promise you, the band is great. It's the Wombats; I'm just going to get one little drink!" I ran off before he could say anything. Vodka straight, I shot it by the bar and left. I founded Deidara and dragged him closer to the stage. "I love this!" I kissed him, and he kissed back without hesitating. I could still feel that he wasn't too comfortable with the whole thing. If it was because it was just the way he was, or if it was people taking pictures of us. He ended up holding my hand when we got done. I leaned on him; the alcohol had given me a rush. So we stood there, I said I had to use the bathroom. I went and took another drink, making sure he didn't see me. I felt bad about it, took a piece of gum and went over to him. I kissed him on the cheek. At the end of the concert I was hoping I could walk straight. I had a small chat with the band. They were amazed that I had been there and liked their music. I think Deidara knew that I had been drinking. I felt bad when he wanted to leave.

He walked in front, I grabbed his hand. "You're walking too fast; we're not in a rush." He turned around and smiled, if it was at my terrible pouting face I didn't know. "Aw, my little kitten." I blanked out. I missed how Jules used to call me his pussy; kitten was way cuter because it didn't have the double meaning. I came back and smiled at him. "But I'd really rather you be honest to me about drinking. I'm not going to stop you unless you drink too much." I thanked, didn't expect anything like that. Well, it wasn't his job anymore. "Want to get some ice cream? I want some." He just laughed at me; I took that as a yes and lead the way.

I hadn't expected to bump into Jules and his old girlfriend. Deidara and Jules greeted each other and started talking, I didn't follow the conversation. Jules looked over at me every now and then. His girlfriend looked like she was going to attack me at any second. I made my grip around Deidra's hand tighter. She scared me. It also felt weird since Deidara knew what I had done with Jules. What I didn't know still was how they knew each other. I had to ask sometime. "Ino!" I had spaced out again. Jules was trying to get contact. "Can I talk to you outside? Record stuff," I just nodded and followed him. Looked back at Deidara, he looked at me with a quizzing expression.

Jules walked out of sight. I didn't like that. Didn't want the two others get the wrong idea. "Have you got some pills for me? I know you have." That was a nice can I have, please. "Jules, no! You're not fucking starting this shit. It's just bad in the end." He looked at me, his facial expressing yelling 'bring it on'. I sighed and rolled my eyes. "Promise me that you won't start." He promised, it was just a one-time thing. He wanted to have some real fun with his girl. He didn't even ask about me and Deidara, selfish douche. I congratulated him on getting back with his ex. I pulled my finger down my spine looking for the tape. Found it and pulled it off. It's amazing what addicts don't find disgusting when it comes to their drugs. I gave him the bag thinking I had gone a great mistake.


	17. My Buddy Dave

I woke up the next morning, stressed out when I found out that I was running late. It was today I was going to be on The Late Show. I got dressed, did my make-up, figured they had coffee there, wrote a note for Deidara and got a cab. I ended up being 30 minutes late. A girl was waiting for me when I got in. She told me to go to the make-up room. So much for doing that myself. I was later shown to a room where I had to wait, I had been given the questions in advance. Hadn't read them, but I didn't bother to read through them now. Might not be the smartest thing, but I couldn't seem to care.

I was told to get ready; I could hear Letterman talk to Paul Shaffer. I didn't pay attention to what they were saying. I was too nervous. I got told to walk out, the audience was cheering as they were told to. I gave a shy wave and sat down. No way would I ever guess that I would do something like this in my life time. Letterman welcomed me, I thanked him for inviting me. "You're album is coming out in just a few weeks, December 14th, and the first single got out yesterday." I couldn't remember hearing anything about that. "It did?" He laughed. "You made it, not me." I still couldn't remember. "The music video is of you reading a paper, smoking and drinking wine. It was called the most genius music video since Smells Like Teen Spirit." I let out a hum. "Sounds like something I do just about every day. I don't really know anything about that, must be the guys." He nodded. "Are you excited about the new album?" I was still thinking about the single. "Yeah, I mean it's the first CD I'm on, so to me everything was new. I think the guys got tired of me. Like when we were doing the mixing part I was like let's push all the buttons up and see what it looks like! They were all tired but I was still a bouncing ball. The idea got turned down so I got revenge by getting up that night. I blew one of the speakers, totally worth it!"

We were talking about the album when he dropped the question. "You overdosed during the final stages to recording," I nodded, cut him off before he finished. "Yea, that was more than stupid of me. I feel so bad you know. I refused to ever been taking drugs, I try it once and end up overdosing. It didn't even give me a good feeling. It's the same about my eating habits, I talk about how you should be proud of yourself, and somebody will love you for who you are and look and so on. Then I turn around and do everything I speak against." He looked down on his cards. Put them upside down. "I read the article by your French friend, I think something was changing around you at that time. Not just a personal change, but how people think of you." I had to agree. "Yes, just because I've been through some rough stuff all of the sudden people like me so much more. Don't get me wrong, I like people being nice. You never know who you're going to meet and their past, why not be something as crazy as nice?" I might have been preaching, but I didn't like being shallow and I believed in everything I said. "Yes, yes, I think a shockwave went through people when you overdosed. They are still saying that you did it on purpose, are you still rejecting that idea?" I crossed my legs and looked up to him. "No, not really. I think there was some part of me that wanted everything to be over. I was so sick of being me, of all the things I did, all the pain I feel all the time." I had problems looking at him all the time, my shoes seemed much better. "Still, it's just a few weeks ago and now I don't even want to think about it." I looked around for something to drink. "Oh, what has changed?" I gave a big smiled, he waited for me to tell. "I don't know if I have a boyfriend or not, but I did go on a date." He found a picture of me and Deidara kissing. "I was waiting for you to say anything about that." I had to admit that we looked cute together. "It was when we had ice cream, I even ate one! Best date ever!"

"Could I please have something to drink, one fourth coffee for the color and the rest vodka thank you!" David Letterman laughed, someone hit some drums. I got some coffee. Drank and was happy. "You do love small coffee shops, isn't that correct." I put down my cup. "Yeah, when I got kicked out and moved to Europe, I would almost pay five dollar for a small bottle of Starbucks coffee. In the stores, that is. It's the only place you could get it. So I went to tiny bit more pricy coffee stores and made my friends buy stuff so we could sit there." He laughed again. "I didn't have any money! I was a poor student! But I love small coffee shops." He looked at his papers again. "Not so poor anymore, but you've always been short on the money." I pulled out my wallet. "I do think I have 35 dollar and some coins. I'm still not really rich, I save most of my money. I think I have 3000 a week for food, rent, clothes and whatever. Still I get all sorts of stuff in the mail from fans, so I don't need to buy candy or clothes." He seemed surprised. "So you save all your money, what's the fun in that?" I pulled on my shorts. "I don't really need to use that much money. Just look at these, I had gotten an ugly pair of jeans so I cut them short." He looked down on them. "They are very nice, very short, fits your leopard thighs very nicely." I showed of my band shirt too. "All of this for free!" He took it the wrong way and laughed. "No, that's a lie. I bought the Vampire Weekend shirt. I went to their concert on my date." He put down his cards. "Why don't we take a listen to your new single?"

I was sitting in a white sofa, had a wine glass between my legs where I put the ashes while drinking wine straight from the bottle. "I do know where that was, those bastards!" The audience clapped, it was the first time I noticed. "It's good that you remembered, considering the wine bottle and so." I laughed, even if I didn't feel like it. "I started drinking wine around the age of ten I guess, then I went to vodka around 15, around 17 I started mixing, but it became clearer and clearer the later it was; now I'm back to wine again. I am French you know, can't help it." He liked that. "You French with your wine, but that's right. You have an adorable accent." I thanked him. "I learned a lot of my English from watching your show when I should have been sleeping." He held his arms out. "Really, you used to watch me?" I nodded. "Yeah, so it's not only the first time I've ever been on a talk show, I'm also a huge fan. I've been telling myself to keep and act cool. I was running all over when I found out that I was going here." He laughed. "I'm honored that I'm your first." I looked down at my shoes and mumbled that nobody else had really asked me in a sarcastic way. He laughed again.

I finished my cup of coffee. "So, how is this rock-and-roll life compared to your old one?" It was a silly, but good question. "Before it was 'Joy! I have two dollar, I can have some fast food fries for dinner', and now it's more like 'I dine for free! Oh the joy!' still I pay, honestly, unless I'm out of money." He just shook his head. "Still you got all that money saved up, just waiting to get used. What about a cool car, a new place? A dog for your purse?" I pretended to be thinking. "You know what would have been cool? A butler, a British one!" There you see he yelled out. "No, I wouldn't have anywhere to keep it. I have someone else crashing in my apartment." He held up the picture Deidara and me again. "Yes! There you have him, I go around the place making a mess, don't wash my plates, throw my dirty clothes everywhere and so just to annoy him." I laughed and said that I was so mean. "Correct me if I'm wrong, he lived with you before you two got together right?" He was right. "Yeah, it wasn't before I ended up in the hospital I made a move. I couldn't stand him when he first came. I called Jules to yell at him for making me do this the morning after he came." He said I was the sweetest thing since honey came around.

"Are you looking forward to start touring again?" I looked everywhere but at him. "Aw, come on! It can't be that bad?" Then I finally looked at him. "You have no idea; you just sit there behind your desk! No, I sort of love and hate touring. It drains you so much, you're lucky if you get more than four hours of sleep. It's so much fun, it's like one big party, coke and tequilas from beginning to end!" I sat on knees leaning over to his desk. "All you can drink buffet Dave! The ambulance is outside waiting if you drink too much! That's no worry! And the coke, you can snort if off the butt of local prostitutes. It's the best way to see the world! Come join me, we'll conquer the world! It'll be late night all day!" I sat down again; I think the painkillers I took were working. "Who spiked her drink?" he yelled out pointing at me. "You'll be my perfect sidekick, you'll be my stylist!" He smacked some imaginary dust off his jacket. "You got style, you got class macho man!"

I find it highly amusing that nobody had noticed me taking pills while faking a gasp. "Can I bring this chair home?" I yelled out. He asked me why I would ever want to bring a chair home. "Think of all the famous people who sat here. I could smell it and get high on fame!" He made a joke that I might get high on something else too. "Dave, can't I move in here?" He just laughed. I wasn't too sure what I was saying anymore. "No, I'm just joking. I have someone waiting for me at home." I did a sitting dance. David showed the picture again. "The ice cream was really good, I swear!" He laughed. "Which one did you like best, yours, his or the mix of both?" I didn't answer; I just gave him a clever smile. "So you're happy now?" I smiled. "Yes, especially since you guys gave me vodka in my coffee!" He said that they did their best. "Oh, you please me very much Mr. Letterman." He gathered his card and just looked down at his desk smiling. I allowed myself to fall down in the chair. "I bet you hear that a lot." He confirmed. "So the new album is coming out December 14th!" I sat up again. "Yes, buy it or I won't be able to feed my kitten!" I hoped people wouldn't think I was really asking them to buy my CD. David was holding the picture again, pointing at Deidara mouthing kitten. "Quick, before you go. What's in your pockets?" I looked at him to see if he was joking or not. I started emptying my pockets. He asked me if I had brought a purse, I hadn't. "So it's true…" I asked him what. He wrote on his little paper. "That you only carry around your music player and your bankcard, no phone." I had to laugh, it was halfway true, I had to point out that I had brought my keys too. He thanked me for coming over. We hugged and chatted for small time. I guess it had been a good day.


	18. Real House Party

"Okay, get this now, release is December the 14th, we're having a few concerts, playing on a few shows, having some interviews, and then we kick off a tour in Australia. Got it?" I nodded, considered writing it up. The band was having dinner with our manager Shikamaru. "So we're going to Australia, that's so cool!" I had always wanted to go there. "When you get back I figured you guys could start working on the new album, maybe try some of the songs out on the next tour." Shikamaru was a genius; he did things for us we didn't even knew. "I have the tour list if anyone is interested?" I don't think any of us liked the idea of going on tour, don't get me wrong. We weren't mad at each other, sick of music or anything like that. We were exhausted.

During the dinner Jules girlfriend dropped by. I got up and went over to the bar; Nick came over not too much later. "Does it bother you?" He looked over at the happy couple. "No, or… I have someone too, but it stings." He nodded. "I know how that feels." He sipped my drink. "But it's cool; I just thought this was a band meeting." Nick ordered something too. "Yeah, but she showed up. She's going to do that a lot, she doesn't trust you." I had to laugh. "You can't really blame here, he did cheat on her with you." I put my glass down. "It's not like I knew anything about that when it happened!" He didn't want to comment on that. "I hate it when I hurt others, and I do it all the time. It's sad." Now he just laughed at me. "Then think things through." The room was slightly spinning. "I think I'm getting drunk." I leaned over on his shoulder. "That's when you stop, I don't know if we're doing something later." I shook my head. "I don't want to, she'll eat my brain!" I grabbed Nick's head and gently gave it a shake. "I'm sure it is not THAT bad!" It was.

I dragged Nick over to the rest. "Excuse us while we go have sex in the bathroom." Nick gave a humorous eh, I laughed and the rest looked at me as if I was crazy. "I'm just kidding, chill people! I'm just trying to say that we're leaving." Jules got up and took me outside. "Ino, I think it's time you get over this." I didn't know what he was talking about. "Why would you even say anything like that?" Still confused. "So you're just going to stand there and act like nothing? Just go home; Nick doesn't want to be with your sorry ass." I slapped him, I think it hurt. He grabbed my hand. The look in his eyes was intense. I couldn't help but to get lost in them. He kissed me, it was short. I could hardly taste him. "Now get lost," I did as he said. I walked away crying while he just stood there.

I ran the last part. I needed to get home to Deidara. "He kissed me!" I cried when I was inside. Deidara came out of his room. "I didn't want to, I promise. He was mad at me," I just stood there. He came over and hugged me. I cried I'm so sorry into his chest several times. He told me not to worry. I felt terrible. "Will you still love me?" I was thinking he would never love me now. "Always, always." I wondered why he wouldn't say that he loved me. I was about to ask him, but he had other ideas. Like him kissing me for once. It was a possessive kiss, I think it made him mad that somebody else had kissed me. I hadn't told him who it was; I might have forgotten it the next morning. I was glad I had closed the door properly, or else we would have fallen in the hallway.

He had stripped me down to my underwear in his bed when he turned into his normal 'let's just sleep' self. I found this really cruel and was getting more frustrated by every night that went by. "Deidara!" I whined. He pretended to be asleep, I hit him. "Do you think I'm ugly?" He sighed and said no. I asked him if he was afraid I had diseased, he laughed and said no. "Then why won't you sleep with me?" He didn't want to answer me now. "Are you one of those who wants to wait until he's married or something? I don't understand this. Is there something wrong with me?" I was close to crying. "No, no, darling. I love you, and you're so beautiful. You're special; I don't want it to be something we just did one night because we felt like it." I couldn't understand. "But its sex, it's just something you have because you want to." He was making a big deal out of this. "No, it's something that should be special, something that only two people can share… Unless you're up to some freaky shit." I laughed and poked his nose. "I love you, you know that right?" He kissed my forehead. "Yes, let's go to sleep now."

The next day I didn't have any plans. I didn't know what to do, it was so unusual. Normally I would run over to some of the guys. I tried writing for a little while, before I gave up. Deidara was out with some friends, leaving me all alone. I licked clean the knife I had been crushing my pain meds with. I cut my tongue. I could feel the taste of blood. It was disgusting, but felt funny. I chuckled, but it hurt. I but the knife down and spat in the sink. I was still bleeding. I lay down and tried to sleep when I heard a phone ring. Deidara must have forgotten his. I wanted to look at it. It was some Mia who was calling. I picked it up. "It was so wild last night, I miss our wild nights." I didn't know who she was. "Yes! I totally miss them too!" I think I made her mad. "Who is this?" I asked her the same question; she said she was going to hang up. "I'm Deidara's roommate or whatever; he forgot his phone at home." She said she was going to call back.

I didn't think more of it, well that's a lie. I tried to go with the most reasonable answer to who she was, a friend. Then I started thinking about the girl he went on a date with. What if he was still seeing her on daytime when I was gone, and that's why he didn't want to take things further. That bastard, and to think I was worried last night. Then it came back to me. I had forgotten last night. I felt horrible now. My stomach hurt and I started crying. I hadn't really done anything wrong, and I hadn't even talked to his girlfriend. What was he on? I picked up my phone and called him. "Fuck you Jules! What was last night all about?" Now I got the earlier incident in return. "Julius is in the shower." She was angry, it wasn't hard to notice. "Yeah, well tell him that I'm mad at him and that he needs to call me back." She didn't answer so I threw in a please in a rude way. "Stop being all over my man!" Now I considered hanging up, but I would send the wrong message. "You can have that sorry cheating, backstabbing man whore for yourself. I really don't want him!" If we kept this up, maybe he would get done in the shower. "What have you done to him this time? You just can't keep off him, can you? I'm going to break you down! I'm going to…" I hung up. I didn't need this crap.

I tried calling Naruto, but he must have been sleeping or something. I was bored out of my mind. Still not finished with the call I tried calling Sasuke. He was out with Nick eating lunch. They invited me too, but I didn't feel like going out. I didn't feel like doing anything. I found my knife again. Cutting my tongue had been fun, so I tried cutting my knee too. It was funny; it brought me some twisted joy in doing that. I cleaned up the blood and put the knife in the dishwasher, promising myself to never do anything like that.

I ran downstairs and picked up the mail. Some people had written to me. It was mostly stay strong letters. I read them all and responded to most of them before I got tired. I went to the post office to mail them. When first was out I decided to just walk around for a little while. I didn't really know what to do. I ended up taking up Sasukes offer, but they were gone. It had been a while since I had called. I wanted to talk to Jules, but I didn't dare show up at his place. I wasn't certain about the whole Deidara thing. Give a man a girlfriend and it makes him that much more attractive. I was pretty sure Jules wasn't that interested in me anymore. He seemed to hate me for some reason,that was also attracting. Fuck, seemed like I would jump on anything that called himself a man. I figured it was too early to hit the bar; I was hungry. My stomach was hurting because of it, it was a perfect reason to drink, not eat.

"Hinata!" I screamed out when I saw an old friend. She was sitting in a boot by herself. I sat down. She looked at me like I was a ghost. "I haven't seen you in ages." She was looking down in her lap. "Yea, I know. I'm sorry, it's just been wild." She looked up and smiled. Hinata was the funniest person ever when she was drunk. You will never believe all the things she has come up with, or the things she has done. "How's life been treating you?" She just smiled. "I got a job at the store down my street. It's good money." Hinata didn't really need a job, her family was disturbingly rich. Yet she had never fitted in with all the rich kids. She moved out set on making it alone. I respected her immensely for that. She wasn't some hipster kid, don't get that idea. She had huge family issues.

I ended up ordering a coffee; she didn't want to drink any alcohol. I didn't want to be the only one drunk at four. We ended up going out for dinner together. We had a lot of catching up to do. It was late before we went back to the bar. This time we were drinking. I was drinking fast and hadn't eaten that much. Hinata was just silently giggling at me. "You know, nobody parties like you. Do you know of any house parties?" She did, I followed her like a puppy. It had been a while since I had been at a real house party in New York, the good ones doesn't stop before the police shows up.

I could feel the music in the street; my heart was beating with it. The door was open, people were walking in and out. I grabbed Hinata's hand. I didn't want to lose her. She walked up to what must have been the guy living there. He introduced himself as Kiba screaming over the music. I wrote Ino in the air not bothering to ruin my voice. He nodded, he got it. Having a short name is mostly a good thing. I took Kiba's bottle out of his hand. He acted mad; I just stroke my finger under his chin. He grabbed the hand and pulled me outside in the stairwell. The music wasn't as loud out there. "I have a boyfriend if that's what you're thinking." I gave back his bottle after I had taken a fair share of it. Jägermeister. "So, you're German or something?" He laughed. "You picked up that fast!" I had just taken a mock guess judging from his bottle.

"I have to find my friend!" I whined after a while. He wrote his number on my hand. "Just call if you want a good time. A party or something more." I smiled and walked in, looking for Hinata. There were so many faces there, most of them smiled at me. I found Hinata eventually. I ran up to her and kissed her before I stole her drink finishing it. "I missed you!" Hinata was saying something, I couldn't hear her. The whole room was spinning; it didn't feel like I was just drunk. "Hinata! Take me home!" I was extremely tired,I tried to walk. I made it outside, I think Hinata followed. I wasn't sure; I couldn't hold my eyes open.


	19. Going Home

I didn't know where I was when I woke up. I was in some apartment building, I ran outside in an alley to throw up. I was still feeling tired and had no idea what had happened. I wasn't wearing underwear so I was freaking out. I called up Deidara. "Ino? Where have you been?" I couldn't really give an answer. "I went to a party last night and I just woke up." My voice was shaking, I could hear it. So could he. "Ino, are you okay? You've been missing for three days." I started crying. I couldn't remember a thing. "Ino!" I just cried. He didn't hang up on me, I think he tried to make contact with me. "Can you pick me up?" I finally cried. He agreed without thinking about it, he just needed to know where I was. "I don't know, I don't know where I have been the past three days. I'm so scared!" He was helpless, I feel kind of bad for him too. He told me to try and find out where I was at. I walked out of the alley and told him the address to the apartment building. He promised he would be there as soon as he could.

I noticed that I had lots of missed calls and texts, not that I was in a state to worry about them. I just sat down and tried to remember, just anything. I noticed the number on my hand. It made me feel sick, I wanted to rub it off. I couldn't, it might be a lead to finding out what had happened to me. I sat down with my back against the wall. I could have fallen asleep right there and then. I think I did, might explain why Deidara suddenly woke me up. I hugged him and cried. He helped me over to the cab again. It hurt so much to just walk, and I was tired. The cabdriver gave him a look of sympathy when Deidara told him to take us back. He didn't say anything more on the drive. He just comforted me. I was still feeling sick. Mostly because I didn't know what had happened to me. Three days was quite a while. Anything could have happened, I cried deeper. We were there before I knew it.

"Ino, do you want me to take you to the hospital before we go inside?" I shook my head. He paid and carried me inside. It hurt when he lifted me, so I was sort of happy when he put me down to open the door. He hadn't even taken the time to lock it before he had gone to get me. He carried me into the bathroom. I couldn't really care what he was doing, I just wanted to sleep. "Let's take a shower, then I can make you some tea and we can calm down." I nodded, even if I just wanted to sleep. He opened my pants, I didn't argue. "Ino… I really think we should go to the hospital if you don't remember what happened to you." I shook my head. It was the last thing I wanted. "Ino, I don't know how to break this too you. You don't know what happened to you, you've been missing, we have had the police looking for you, everybody knows that you have been gone because you missed the release, and you're not wearing underwear. You could have been raped, you could be sick from something, we have no idea what has happened." I still shook my head. "I don't want to know what happened, I just want to forget this ever happened." He tried to reason with me.

He just kicked off his pants and shirt before we went in the shower. He dried me up, I was shivering. It was so cold. He asked if I could wait there while he went and got me some clothes, asked once again if I wanted to go to the hospital. I still didn't, I just wanted to sleep. He took me to my bed, put some clothes on me. It was so cold, but still I was able to sleep.

"So she goes on this three day party spree, doesn't tell us where she is, doesn't answer when we tried to make contact with her, stud us up on the release, we had no idea where she was, the media knew she was missing, we had no idea what to tell them, she comes home and I can't even talk to her because she's sleeping. She doesn't fucking deserve to be sleeping, I have every right to talk to her!" It was Jules, he was screaming. I had never heard him so angry before, it scared me. I cried silently afraid they might hear me, I didn't want them to know I was awake. "No, Julius. She was crying her heart out, she has no idea what happened to her the past three days, I've never seen anyone more upset. She called me not knowing where she was, she was almost an hour drive away from here. Nobody knows what has happened to her." He just blew it off. "She's faking it, she's just hung over." It hurt that he would say something like that. "I'm pretty sure she wasn't faking it. She could hardly stand, she's covered in bruises on her arms and legs, and she wasn't even wearing underwear under her pants." Jules still didn't want to hear any of it. "So she has a wild night, forgets her underwear, doesn't want to upset you so she plays you."

I was starting to get tired once again, but I needed to hear this. "You didn't see the look in her eyes. That wasn't any play, I begged her to go to the hospital, it was pretty clear that she was raped. I've seen her at her worst, this doesn't even come close. You can stop talking rubbish about her and wait until she wakes up if you want to. It might be a while if she was drugged." I could almost feel his smile. "Yeah, date raped, that was creative. Did she say it herself, or did she just lead you in that direction." I could hear a punch be thrown. I started crying loudly now. They must have heard me. Jules barged right in, the left side of his face was red. He must have been the one getting punched. I would never have imagined Deidara punching someone.

Jules walked over to my bed and bend down. He looked into my eyes. I pushed him, he fell. I could hear him mutter what the fuck. "Tell me if you want him gone," Deidara said, making sure he didn't talk too loud. I didn't answer. I didn't know what to do or think. Jules got up and tried once again. "Ino…" He was looking for my arm, but it was under the covers. "Don't think I didn't hear you." Jules looked over at Deidara for advice. He just shrugged and walked away, not too far incase Jules tried anything. "I'm so sorry, I was upset, and I've been stressed the last few days. This was supposed to be a good time. It wasn't supposed to be like this, it's your first album. You shouldn't be lying here." I didn't care right then, I just couldn't. "I'm too tired to think of it. I'm just so tired." And it was true, this was worse than the time I had overdosed. "I understand, I'll tell the boys not to worry." I nodded. He leaned over and kissed me, I freaked out. I think I hurt him. Deidara came running and pulled him away. I was scared senseless, I was breathing so fast I was scared I might faint. "Not a smart move after what I told you, that her boyfriend is watching didn't make it any better. Just leave."

That Deidara called himself my boyfriend made me feel better. "Thank you," I muttered. He didn't respond. "Could you, could you just hold around me?" He lay down and softly put his arm around me. I winched at first. Something told me he was going to hurt me. I shortly calmed down and fell asleep. It was dark in the room when I woke up, Deidara was still there but sleeping. I reached out and touched his cheek. It woke him up; he just looked over at me. "I want to go to the hospital now," I told him. He nodded, didn't comment on how it was most likely too late now, that I should have agreed to what he said straight away. He just didn't say anything. He just helped me get changed. Asked me if I wanted something to eat or drink before we left. I took an apple for the road.

I wasn't sure if I was able to keep the apple down, but I ate it anyway. I didn't know when the last time I ate anything was. I held his arm in the cab over there. I was scared, but I knew I would be happy I did this. I was sent over to what they called the woman clinic. I didn't know what I expected there. Girls crying alone I chairs waiting? I didn't see any other patients; they showed us a room straight away. I asked Deidara to come with. He was uncomfortable I could tell, but he came with me. We had to wait a little while. "Are you sure you want this? I'm really proud of you," I nodded, hugged him. Words didn't come to good use the last 24 hours. A nod was better than any word that could be spoken.

A female doctor came in. First she started with some small talk; I told her that I just wanted this done with. She took some tests. I think Deidara was one minute away from never being able to use his hand again. Later she asked some questions, most of them I couldn't answer. She understood, I didn't feel pressured to answer. She told us that she might not find anything since I wasn't sure if anything had happened, or when it might have happened. She told me to go home and rest. I might feel like this for three days. She offered Deidara a wheelchair when we were leaving. I wanted him to carry me; I was too tired to talk. I think his care for me brightened her normally sad day. She gave Deidara a brave smile, I was sleeping once again.

The doctor was right. I didn't do much but sleep the next two days. I hardly got up to eat and use the bathroom. Normally Deidara was close by when I woke up. I wanted him to lay next to me most of the time. I know that wasn't fair to him, he must have had better things to spend his time on. He just made me feel safe, I trusted him to protect me. Nick and Sasuke dropped by. I was sleeping, and it didn't take too long before I went back to it. I felt embarrassed, being so weak. I didn't even know if they knew what had happened to me. Some reporters most likely had found Deidaras number and were calling him constantly.

I went back to normal after four days. Everybody was treating me different, like if anything could break me down. I think I liked it in the start before it went too far. I got mad at them, then they got back to normal. It felt good getting insults screamed back at me from Nick, and Deidara just shaking his head at me. I still hadn't heard anything from Jules, I had started to get worried about him. Nick had told me he had gone to spend Christmas with his parents. Like he and everybody else was going to. By the 21th everybody was too busy with their families. Deidara had even flown back to his parents. I was all alone, without any family or friends.


	20. Five Men

I woke up at noon on Christmas Eve. The place was quiet. It didn't feel like Christmas. I had put up a tiny Christmas tree on the living room table and put some gifts under it. Besides the red balls in the window that was all I had done. I walked into Deidara's room and lay down in his bed. I missed him, and I was going on tour soon. I think I fell asleep again. I got up and was set on making this huge dinner. It turned out to be tofu turkey, fried vegetables and some other stuff. I ate at midnight, the typical French Christmas you could say. I didn't eat too much. I had more left than I had eaten.

When I got done it was around one. I wanted to open a bottle of wine, but I hadn't been able to drink since I had gotten home. It would stand there open on the table. Nick gave me an necklace with 'I will always be here' and a little elephant engraved on it. I loved elephants but hardly anybody knew, I found it funny that he had figured out as he said he had in the card. From Sasuke I had gotten an old beaten up Nirvana shirt. I hoped it was he who had been using it, it was really sweet of him, but nothing could beat the gift Jules had made. It was a sort of scrapbook of our history. He had even kept the handwritten receipt from the first time we met. It had small things, pictures and things I had said. I was amazed, I would never have guessed that he would have kept all these stuff and taken the time to make this, Deidara hadn't even given me anything.

I felt bad now, bad that we were fighting; bad that he had said all those things. It might have been just because he was mad, he had all right to have been mad, before he found out. On the other had Deidara had tried to explain what had happened several times. It hurt to think about it. I had gotten the results from the tests a few days ago; I had been too scared to look at them. It was as if my stomach locked up every time I looked at the letter. I called up Jules. "Ino?" I started crying, I'm such a girl. "I don't know what to think about you." I think he was drunk. "A good man that loves you but screw up all the time? But what about you, how are you? I've been thinking about you." It made me feel better that he had been thinking about me too. "I'm scared." I heard an aw, wasn't sure if he was mocking me or not. "Why are you scared?" Yes, I'm pretty sure he was drunk. "I went to the hospital, and they sent me a letter. I'm too scared to open it." I wondered if he was even going to remember this in the morning. It made me braver when I was talking to him. "I told them that I didn't want to go back, so everything they found out is in that letter. Everything and I have no idea what it's going to say." He told me to just do it.

I found the letter under a bunch of other mail. I was shaking. Jules was still on the other side waiting too I'm guessing. "Jules, do you think Deidara will think less of me if I was, I mean, do you think he will still like me at all?" Jules gave a sad laugh. "Deidara is the greatest man you'll ever find, if anything he's going to care more about you, he's all the things I'm never going to be." I read through the letter. Threw up in the sink and fell to the ground. This couldn't be real, I started crying. I picked up the phone as soon as I could. "Want me to come over? I'm not too far away." I cried yes, didn't think clear. He was there in what seemed like ten minutes, it was more like two hours. He smelled of alcohol, I was pretty sure he was having a blast with his "parents".

He made us some tea, broke a cup in the making. He read the letter too; he just walked over and hugged me. I'm not going to claim that he was, but I'm sure he was crying too. The worse thing about it is that I couldn't remember a thing, I didn't know what had happened to me, and I didn't know how they did it. "I'm fine," I tried to choke out. I was glad that Jules was here again, that we weren't having sex or arguing. He was comforting me, not throwing insults at me. He was being nice, as he always had been when we were just friends. "I've missed you!" I desperately cried into his shoulder. "I've missed you as a friend!" He tried to comfort me, repeating 'I know'.

Our tea got cold. I didn't mind, I didn't care about a thing at the moment. Jules broke off the hug. "Ey, let's talk about something fun instead." He would have to do good to find something fun. "Come one my beautiful French flower. Let's not be sad, don't worry, it's going to be okay. Let's just not think about it." I shook my head. "Five fucking people, how can I not think about it?" He tried to pull me out of my chair. "Come on now pussy, let's dance." I jumped up and just hugged him again. He was surprised, but held around me when he came to his senses.

I woke up in my bed the next morning, scared senseless when I heard someone in the other bedroom. I ran into the other room not thinking about what or who it was, Deidara was gone right? It came back to me when I saw poor Jules throwing up into a bucket. That poor, hung-over thing. "Are you okay?" He didn't look too good. "I'm the one who should be asking you that question. You just blacked out last night. Had to drag you to bed." I would have hit his shoulder if he wasn't so sick looking. I hugged him instead. "Do you want some pills or anything?"

It was then we were caught, it must have looked so wrong. Jules shirtless, me in just my underwear hugging him asking if he wanted pills. "I missed you and was worried about you so I came home early. Looks like I should have been worrying about other things." Yes, Deidara was home early, did I mention that we were in his bed? "This looks so much worse than it is!" I jumped up, ready to explain. Deidara just laughed, "Amuse me." He still gave Jules a look that would have killed him if looks could kill and all that stuff! "I was sad yesterday, and then he came to comfort me. I called him and everything, so when I woke up I remembered that you weren't here, but I didn't remember him being here. I heard some noise from this room, I didn't bother getting dressed you know… and then he was sick, so I felt bad for him and hugged him. We slept in separated beds; I just hugged him, nothing more. I haven't been drinking; just look at the wine bottle out there!" Jules put on a shirt. "You better not, I drank it, that's why I have such a hang-over so she asked me if I wanted some pills for my hang-over."

The three of us shared a very awkward breakfast. I think Jules just stayed just to piss off Deidara, it worked. I didn't take Deidara for being the jealous type. I tried to keep a conversation going. It wasn't always well received. Shortly after breakfast Jules gave up and finally got dressed before he left. "What was that about?" I looked down at my grapefruit peel, that had been my breakfast. "I don't want to talk about it, okay?" It wasn't okay. "Stop pressuring me! We didn't do anything! I didn't do anything I shouldn't have! Okay?" It still wasn't okay, but he left it. He didn't want to start an argument; I was too embarrassed to tell him why I was sad.

Still he wouldn't shut up about it. I was just asking him how his parents were and so on when he started again. "I don't mind him being over; I just want to know why he needed to come yesterday." I ignored the question. "How did you two ever meet anyways?" I was sick of wondering. "If you answer my question, I'll answer yours." I told him to go fuck himself. Still I just sat there, not sure what to do. Not sure what I wanted to do. "Why are you being so defensive and aggressive?" I wanted to yell at him for asking something like that. Would beat the purpose. "I'm neither defensive nor aggressive, I'm just tired. That's all." Deidara picked up the letter from the clinic and threw it on the table in front of us. "Would this have something to do with it?" I slapped him, as hard as I could. I didn't regret it; he just touched his face where I had slapped him.

"I didn't read it." I'm pretty sure he was honest. "Go ahead and read it since you stole it from me anyway. It was at least five guys, and I need to pick up some antibiotics." He didn't say anything. He just looked at the letter, not sure if I was being honest again. "We used to date." Not sure what he was talking about. So I just looked at him. "Me and Jules." I told him there was no way. He just smiled. He wasn't the one who joked about stuff like that. "Yeah, we were young and crazy." I had to laugh. "So who broke up?" I found this interesting, very interesting. "A question for a question?" I nodded. "I broke up with him; I figured the whole male relationship wasn't my thing after all… But it was pretty intense." I laughed. "How do you feel about that?" He looked over at the letter. "Terrible, I don't know who did it, or what they did. Still I have to live with it. There's nothing I can do." I got up and went to my room.

He came in not long after I had left. I was crying. He lay down next to me. Tried to look me into my eyes, I was crying too much. "Don't worry, I'm here." He had his arms around me. I couldn't do anything but cry. He tried to comfort me; it took a good while before I calmed down. I kissed him; the kiss was wet from tears. I was scared and needing. I tried to hold him even closer; I could feel his hands shifting on my back sending shivers. I sat down on top of him, not sure where this was going. I was upset and had been crying, I needed to feel better. Only he could make me ever feel happy again, only he could really be there for me.

I was shocked when he pulled of my shirt; he had seen me in my underwear before, but never undressed while in bed. "I don't think I want to sleep with you, not right now. I don't think I'm ready." He pulled some hair behind my ear. "No, I understand honey. I don't want us doing anything you're not comfortable with." I kissed him he was so sweet. I tugged at his shirt. I wanted it off, and I got it my way. I found it funny that he didn't have hair on his chest, but I didn't mind at all. My hands were all over him, my thumbs going in circles. He liked it, he arched his back when he kissed me. He was tense, he really wanted this. I couldn't blame him, I had been in his place so many times. I didn't take the time to wonder what had changed. I was just happy that we were doing this, even if I didn't want to have sex with him. I didn't feel comfortable with the idea.

He opened my bra, pulled it off and laid me on my back. I looked into his eyes; I could see the passion in them. I pulled him down; he was nibbling on my neck. I closed my eyes and enjoyed it as he went lower and lower. I moaned, he had hardly done anything and I was moaning. I pulled him up to my face and sat up. "I love you," he said. He looked like a lost puppy, he was so adorable. "I need you, I think I'm ready." I kissed him. My other hand opening the night drawer to find a condom. This was the first time we had gone so far. I couldn't let the chance slip. I needed him too, I wanted this so bad.

He asked me several times if I was sure. If I really wanted to do this, if I was ready. I told him yes several times. I wrapped my legs around his hips. I closed my eyes and held around his arms. I think I broke his skin when he entered me. It was like a flash that went through my mind, of that had happened. He slipped out again, I realized that I had held my breath. "No, don't stop, I'm sorry. I can do this, please I want this so bad." I felt pathetic begging for sex. He looked into my eyes. Kissed me and wiped away a tear. Some blood from his arm dripped down his arm and fell on me. I felt bad for causing him pain. I convinced him that I was okay with it.

It only went better from that on. It wouldn't be an understatement to say it was the best sex I had ever had. I had really wanted it, I had really known him, hell I even loved him. It was emotional, it wasn't only a physical thing. It had been love, as stupid as it might sound but I realized now what people meant by making love. The whole thing about not having to get dressed straight away to rush home, wanting to fall asleep next to him, studying ever inch on his naked body. I was deeply in love with this man. The man I had despised, even hated, maybe I had loved him all this time, maybe I hadn't been ready for this, maybe I had been scared. Maybe I was scared now too, because I love this man. I can't live without him. I'm terrified of losing him.


	21. Happy New Drink

I wasn't sure if it was really, I wasn't really sure if it had happened. I looked under the covers, yes. Yes, I was also pretty pleased with what I saw. I wanted to wake him up, but he seemed so calm right now. Not that he wasn't a calm sleeper, but there was something else with him now. Something I hadn't seen, I loved it. I love him. I curled up closer to him, waiting to fall asleep again. I didn't, but I wasn't going to complain about it.

When he woke up he didn't speak a word. I was afraid he was regretting it. We had both been sober so we couldn't blame that. He put one arm around me and looked for something in my pants with the other one. He pulled out my cigarettes and lighter. I had never seen him smoke before. "You're turning really bad, aren't you? Sex and cigarettes." He took a deep drag. Held the smoke in a long time before he let it out. "Oh shut up!" I had to look at him to see if he was joking. He had a blank expression. "Now go make me a sandwich." I gently slapped his stomach and laughed. "You're so stupid." I stole a drag of the cigarette that was once mine.

He finished and kissed me. "Do you regret last night?" I wanted to know, I had to know. "I've never ended up regretting anything with you Ino, maybe falling in love with you. I'm so scared of hurting you." I couldn't understand that. "I've hurt you so many times, I've been a bitch. We're supposed to hurt each other, feelings do hurt." I felt hurt right there and then. Not by him, but by the way things are. "You're the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I never want to lose you." He got up, I was kind of upset by this. We were having an important conversation.

He walked over to his pants and found something, he got down on one knee in front of my bed. "I said that it would be nice to go on one date before we got married. We did go on one date, so now I'm asking you." I grabbed the covers, holding them tightly. I did my best to scream. He was getting worried. "I'm sorry if it's too soon, this was stupid of me" Now I screamed like the girl I am and hugged him. I figured he knew what he was getting into after living with me for all this time. I had never been a fan of getting married. I had never wanted it. I think the same goes still, but I wanted him so I said yes. I had to laugh at the situation too. He could at least have put on his boxers or something first.

Needless to say I spent breakfast looking at my ring. It was a simple, flat, wide ring made of silver, didn't have a diamond or anything. He told me it used to belong to his grandmother. It was one of the few things she had brought when she moved from Japan. It was mostly why he had gone to see his parents, and the fact that they had been bugging him about needing to come see them. He didn't speak during the breakfast either, he just looked at me smiling. Well, he had to remind me to eat a couple of times. I couldn't help laughing. I was like a little teenager having her first date. We had to agree not to tell anyone. I don't think he wanted to media to know, it was sort of why he had picked out a normal looking ring to. He was so shy and cute.

On New Year's Eve the band had decided to get together. Deidara had gone back to his parents again the same day. We went out and had dinner; it was more of a Christmas celebration. Nick and Sasuke had had a pretty nice Christmas Eve. Nick had gone home to his parents and had gotten to see his little sister who he had missed tons. Sasuke had spent it with his girlfriend that I didn't know that much about at all. Jules had hated being with his parents. His parents hate each other, they were divorced. He said they couldn't be in the same room, but every year they tried and claimed it was for his sake like he was still a child. He didn't mention that he had come over to my place. They didn't need to know, and he wouldn't tell them anything unless I had said I was okay with it.

Nick talked about his gift from Sasuke, he was pretty pleased with it. It was a grilled cheese maker. He explained in great detail that you put two pieces of bread and put whatever you wanted to have between them. Put it in and waited for the light to turn green. He went as far as calling it the greatest invention since electricity, because he needed that to use it. Jules congratulated me on not ordering vodka with my dinner, Nick was pretty sure I would make up for it later tonight. Sasuke had gone back to his pretty quiet self.

Jules and me went out for a cigarette after dinner. The boys had ordered some dessert, I ordered some fruit. "Thank you for coming over that night. I'm not sure how it would have ended if you didn't." He didn't answer so I hugged him. Still he didn't react; he was just smoking his cigarette. He shrugged when I let him go. He was so passive, it annoyed me. "Can you give me the number to your guy?" It came so suddenly, and I knew what he meant by guy. "I came over just to steal some from you that night, now I'm out and I need more." I dropped my cigarette in the snow and stomped on it. The cars were driving by. I could feel my blood rushing to my head. It felt like I was about to faint. "Fuck you, I have feelings you know!" At that time I didn't know that none of my pills were missing. I didn't know then that it was a lie.

Inside Nick was telling Sasuke a joke, actually making him laugh. The room tensed up when Jules sat down next to me. He was such an asshole, but on the other hand I could understand him. He was addicted and didn't have any, he was desperate. Still it didn't make up for taking advantage of me. "I heard that you gave your girl some naughty underwear and make her open her present in front of your parents." Jules looked down at the table, giving the worst grin ever slowly nodding. Nick punched him in the shoulder, Sasuke ooo'ed, I figured it served her right. Still I didn't like the idea that she was with him, especially just wearing sexy underwear he had gotten her. Not that I had feelings for him or anything, so I just looked at my ring not saying anything about it. "What about you Ino, still fucked up and unfucked as you called and complained to me about?" Sasuke asked. "What's with all the sex talk? But yeah, I don't need no sexy underwear to get it on." I just laughed, the guys were shocked. I was turning into one of them.

The dessert was good, I stole some of Nick's apple pie. Not too much, I was fat enough as I was. "It's not like I would eat a whole piece!" I defended; we ended up having a fork fight across the table. Jules stopped us saying the noise made his head hurt. He was pretty mad for not scoring any drugs I would guess. I felt bad about slipping two pills down his pants. I felt bad for feeding his addiction. He responded with an awkward pat on the inside of my thigh he was getting too far up so I had to stop him. I know the whole thing was wrong, I had somebody and he had somebody. I would never cheat on Deidara, and he was just happy he had gotten drugs. I could tell that he was still using heroin too. I would be willing to pay my left hand that he was high at the moment. You could see it in his eyes, and the slow movements. I sigh; I had almost stopped taking painkillers. I missed it so badly, I wasn't sure if it was better being sober or high.

To be honest I think all of us were using at that time, except Sasuke, well not that much, certainly not addicted. He had always been the decent one; he only got drunk once in a while. He did really get drunk too when he first did. It was sad that the three of us ended up that way. I had been fighting, putting in an effort to stop. I don't think they saw their problem. That's what might have been the saddest thing, and I'm not trying to say that I'm better than them in any way. I might have been the worst who kept going back to it. I always did.

"Merry fucking Christmas!" Nick yelled and hugged me. The three of them had been drinking at this funny looking bar we found. I was the only one sober, still not drinking after that night. I couldn't help but to laugh at all the silly things they said. I even made Sasuke ask some beefy guys if any of them wanted to get down in the bathroom. I laughed my ass off until it looked like they were about to hit him. I had to go and get him, the guys eased up when a girl came in the picture. They even asked if I had sent him over to ask for me. I hadn't, they weren't so sure but let it go. Jules and Nick pretended to start a fight before they started making out, totally out of the blue. I couldn't help but to think of Deidara and Jules being together. Then I started wondering if they ever had sex. I really didn't want to think about it so I went and got another bottle of coke zero. I ended up talking some with the bartender. He was really nice.

"You need to drink some!" Nick pressured. Jules joined in, Sasuke was in a corner talking with a girl. What a cheat, all of them were. "No, I don't want to drink anymore." They didn't listen. I celebrated the New Year with a shoot vodka, Nick, Jules and me tried a threesome kiss. We had to lean over so we didn't bump into each other. After a couple of more drinks we had to try again. It was so much more fun this time around. Needless to say I got pretty drunk and ended up wondering why I didn't do this more often. Nothing is like being drunk, nothing feels as great. Everything can be blamed on the fact that you're drunk. You can act like the biggest idiot, and people won't judge you too much. I hope.

The place started getting more and more crowded. I lost the rest, I think Sasuke took off with the girl he was sharing germs with. I started talking with random strangers, hugging them and laughing. One of them was getting pretty close, getting the wrong idea. Who can blame him, I was a drunk out of my mind and alone. I had also been the first to talk to him. I had to tell him that I was engaged, he didn't believe me since I was alone and acting like a slut he said. I went out to take a cigarette when I found Jules again. "People can be such jerks!" He laughed at me. I couldn't even stand straight so I leaned up against the wall. "I found a girl with those knockers, they were huge and she claimed they were real. God doesn't make them so big." I had to laugh at him. "No, must be the handiwork of the devil." We could hear a bell from inside the bar. "Want one last drink?" Jules asked me. I whined no, saying I have had enough. He agreed and laughed at me. I must have looked pretty drunk leaning against the wall eyes closed. We still got one last one

"Are you home alone?" I asked him, he was nodding but had to say yes since I wasn't looking at him. "Mind if I crash at your place, it's closer, and by crash I mean sleeping alone on your couch. I have a man you know! Did you ever fuck him?" He burst out laughing; I don't recall ever hearing him laugh that loud. "He was mostly on top, think about that when you're sleeping with him!" I laughed too and slid down in the snow. Jules had to help me up, and support me when we went over to his place. He was drunk too, but I'm always the one that's drunkest.

He guided me over to his bed. I didn't refuse, I just laughed. "I said I wouldn't end up here! It's okay if we don't do anything." Like this wouldn't move on to something more.


	22. Four Day Hangover

The whole thing moved on so fast. I was too drunk to figure things out before they were done. I felt so bad, so bad for being beneath another man. So bad for enjoying it. I wanted to cry, but at the same time I loved it. I think I had in some way wanted this too. I wasn't ready to give up alcohol; I wasn't ready to give up this dirty affair. He was panting; I was so close to crying. This is one of the time you can say it hurts so good without it being a joke, because it was just the way it was.

I think I did cry when we were done and he had gone to sleep. I don't remember much of that night, I remember that I wanted to call Deidara. I couldn't, if I did he'd hate me and we'd be over. I couldn't handle, that. I couldn't hurt him in that way. I woke up Jules, wanting him to comfort me, all he did was to put an arm around me before going back to sleep. I couldn't sleep, I wanted to. Just to forget this for a little while. I moved his arm and got up. I didn't know what to do. I was going insane with guilt.

I moved over to his living room. I found half a bottle of vodka. Hoping I would fall asleep if I drank all of it. It didn't, it made the room spin. I went to the bathroom to make myself throw up. Hoping some of my feelings would go out at the same time too. "Jules! I fucked up!" I yelled at him. He wouldn't respond, most likely sleeping or pretending to be. Now that I think about the whole night had been horrible. I had started drinking again, and everybody but Nick had cheated, he would if he could. What kind of people did I hang around, what kind of person was I? It had been a great way to start the New Year. I had gotten a text from Deidara. It only made me feel worse, until I saw it was of him and a girl. It said it was his friend and him celebrating together. I would use this against him when he came back just to make myself feel better.

With that I felt calmer. I contemplated taking one of the pills I had given away. I decided against it and went to bed now. Much calmer thinking that Deidara taking a picture with his female childhood friend made up for me cheating. I tried waking up Jules, he just rolled over. I gave up and went to sleep.

The next morning I wish I had left. The whole thing was weird when his girlfriend showed up. She slapped me; I didn't even get half of the insults she threw at me. I think she even started hitting me at one point. Jules had to stop her, explaining that nothing had happened. My lip was bleeding so I'm pretty sure she had hit me. I didn't know what he had told her, I don't know what lie he used.

I just had run away. Ran like I never had. It was cold outside. I was afraid, I was afraid Deidara would never forgive me for this. I was afraid Jules would hate me too. So I just ran, tried avoiding people. I stopped to buy three bottles of vodka. I wanted to forget this; I didn't want to think about it. I was hoping alcohol would help on that.

I locked myself in my apartment, opened a bottle and sat down. The liquid was burning down my throat, but I knew it would make me feel all better. Like medicine. That was what I hoped, what I had planned. It wasn't what would happen, I started crying. Feeling even worse because I was drinking, I knew I shouldn't be. I knew how bad things happened when I was drunk, but I needed release. I was feeling so bad and I couldn't keep on going like this. Alcohol made my life bearable. I sat down the bottle to cry a little. The salty tears were better than the sharp vodka. Deidara called, I didn't have the heart to answer it.

I wanted to go out, but I was too drunk to even get up. The room was moving. I had to close my eyes for a little while. I couldn't help but to wonder what I was doing with my life, where I would end up. I knew I had messed it up. I knew I had made some pretty huge mistakes the last 24 hours. It had just started out as a joke among friends. The New Year kiss, we did that as a friend thing. It was nothing more. I was going to take just one drink because everybody else was drinking. I can't stand being the only sober one, I feel so uptight, so left out on the fun. Then I had gotten too drunk to go home to my place. He had put me in his bed.

I ended up being mad at him. He had taken advantage of me. I wasn't the one who had done anything wrong. He had closed to raped me. How could I let something like that happen, how could he do anything like that? I knew I was just as much to blame for this deep down, but right now I needed to blame him. He had taken advantage of me.

Deidara called again, I still didn't answer. I was such a coward. I sent him a text explaining how I had been out in the cold and lost my voice. I had to tell him not to worry, because that's what he did. He responded with three short words that would break my heart and push me over the edge. I love you.

I hardly went out on three days. Only to buy some food and more to drink. I didn't answer any calls, didn't respond to any of the texts, and didn't answer the door when they tried that. They knew I was in there. They were worried, they hadn't heard anything from me, and we were going on a tour in not too long. I didn't show up for any of the interviews, I didn't show up for the band meetings either. I think they ended up calling Deidara, because even he started asking me what was going on. I had planned to blame him for all of this, because he had sent me an innocent picture with him and a girl.

It was only when I was drunk that I was sad. When I was high on pain killers I was happy. I laughed at the whole thing. Sadly I was only drunk when Deidara came home. He had keys to the apartment so I couldn't stop him. It must have been a sad sight that met him. Around me was empty chips bags, plates and bottles. I hadn't taken a shower since I came home, I was sitting in the dark, I think I had Nirvana playing in the background. I think there even was a bloody knife on the ground, I know my right leg was full of blood. I just had to know that this was real, that I was alive.

"Ino…" He wasn't sure what to do for once I think. I didn't even look at him. "What's wrong?" This was my queue, my shot at blaming it all on him. "Did you have fun fucking her?" It was a low whisper. He asked me to repeat it. "You know very well what I said! You fucked that girl!" This time I yelled it. Thinking back at this episode still brings tears to my eyes. He hadn't done anything wrong. "Ino, I haven't slept with anyone. You're the only one, I promise. Just, just, don't do this, please." He was begging. "How do you think that picture made me feel? I had quit drinking, I had quit the pills, and I had ended things with Jules, because it was going to be the two of us! I loved you! I was so happy! Now I just want to die!" He started moving towards me. I got up. "It's okay, Ino. We can work this out, it's just a misunderstanding." He was talking slowly. "I WANT TO DIE, DEIDARA!" I was screaming now, crying.

I had picked up the knife, he grabbed my hand. It wasn't more dramatic than that. He hugged me. I broke down. "I messed up Deidara, I messed up." He told me it would be okay, how could it? "I love you, and still I hurt you." I sobbed. I was pathetic. I think he somehow blamed himself for this. Like he couldn't leave me alone, and I think he bought the photo excuse to some degree. "I wrote some new songs," I said out of the blue when we had stopped talking. "I'd love to see them." It was like it was all forgotten and forgiven, but it was hanging in the air. Not too far away. "Just let us get you and this place cleaned up." I was still drunk. "I didn't do a good job on that, did I?" I hadn't, but he didn't answer me.

He helped me take a shower like he had done before, more than once. He went to clean up while I was getting dressed, I promised him that I would be able to do that myself. It wasn't too hard, still I fell trying to put on pants. I hit my head, but I laughed. It was so sad, but all I could do was to laugh. I was so sad as a person. Deidara came running in, he asked me if I was okay. I didn't answer, I reached out my hand so he would help me up. "I'm a little drunk, I'm sorry." The stern look on his told me he didn't like that. I kept quiet. I went to bed shortly after that. I think he tried to feed me. It's much of those days I don't remember.

It was better the next day, but I had almost a four day hangover to handle. My head was beating like insane. Deidara was in the kitchen. I wasn't ready to handle him. I just lay there, trying to think of something positive, something that would make me feel better. It didn't help, so I just lay there until Deidara came in. He had made breakfast for me sending me on a guilt trip. "Want to talk about what you've been up to when I was gone?" I didn't, but I had to. "I don't know, it's only fair if you get to know." He pulled a chair next to the bed and sat down. "I got drunk, I cheated on you. I regret it, and I felt bad about it so I drank. It doesn't change anything, I still did something terrible wrong. I hate myself for it, because I didn't want to hurt you. I understand if you want to end things with me now."

He didn't, he sat down on the edge of the bed and gave me a hug. I felt brave and tried to kiss him. He didn't fight back, what he did was that he sat down on top of me. The thing progressed, but this time I didn't have to feel bad about it. This time there was nothing to regret. It was all good, there was nothing wrong in what we did. We were in love, the both of us. I was so glad I was forgiven, I had been terrified of losing him. If I have to be honest, I don't think I would have been able to. Not in the state I was in. So fragile, but wanting to be so strong.


	23. Knocking on Doors

Things went back to normal between me and Deidara. Before I knew what was going on I was packing for Australia. It would be my first time going there, and I had always wanted to go ever since I was a child. I only had a problem with leaving. I wasn't sure how I would act without Deidara, what I might end up doing. "I'm not sure. I know I have to, but I don't want to leave you. I love you." He was sitting on my bed, just watching me pack, something I always did the night before leaving. This time I would be gone four weeks. We had a great amount of dead time between the concerts. I felt so lost, I didn't want to leave Deidara. I just threw some clothes in my bag and sat down next to him.

"I'm not sure how I'm going to do without you," I leaned my head on his shoulder. "Don't worry, no matter what you do. I'll love you."

That was my free ticket to do whatever I wanted. I dropped my bags in the hotel room I had gotten and went down to the bar. I was so tired I was afraid I might faint. Some other bands was playing at the festival had showed up too. Most of them were local I would guess. Everybody else was sleeping. Boring bastards, even if I was about to drop dead myself. I was having a drink before I died first, I was on tour and drinking is totally okay. The same went for everything else I wanted to do.

Some guy came over to me, introduced himself as Peter Mayes as if that would impress me. "Who are you waiting for?" I felt brave from drinking. "Santa, did I miss him?" He laughed and sat down beside me without asking. I didn't bother commenting on it, I was just here to drink. "You're not Australian, are you?" I told him I was French, he tried to impress me by saying I love in French. "You're trying too hard buddy," I told him. He just laughed at that. "I might, but you can't blame me when you look like you do." That was so cheap; I drank some just to ignore him.

He didn't go away; he kept chatting and hitting on me. He wasn't bad looking, sort of long brown hair, charming smile and eyes to get lost in. I tried not looking at him; he looked so innocent and happy. I didn't mind the chatting after a couple of drinks; needless to say I got in shape again. Everything he said was hilarious; he was drinking coke and whiskey. He asked me if I was coming to his concert, he was in a sort of band called Pnau. I told him maybe, I'm not into electronica. "If I have time I'll think about it." He was thinking I was playing hard to get. "Oh, what is it that you might be doing?" I shrugged. "I might be playing, or practicing or something like that." He seemed surprised by the fact that I was playing. "Yeah, I'm Ino Dubois. My band is headlining this festival." I slipped out of my chair and went up to the rooms leaving him mind blown. I loved it.

I tripped up the stairs and knocked on the door at one of the room numbers we had gotten. I didn't know who it was; I knew I was too drunk to give a fuck. Well, that was then. Now a fairly pissed Jules was standing in the door in just his boxer shorts. I had to laugh, it was so funny. "Just get in here!" He pulled me in and closed the door. He sighed and pushed me on the bed. I said rape loudly and laughed. I couldn't help laughing; did I mention that I also took some painkillers because the flight had killed me? Yeah, I did. "Just sleep like any normal person would." I laughed again. "I'm not a normal person, I'm a fairy!" He wasn't sure what to do with me so he lay down in bed again.

"Jules?" I think he was still awake. "Yes?" I wasn't sure what to say, I knew what I wanted to say. "Do you think we would ever be happy?" He was a boy; I don't think he knew what I meant. I leaned over him, resting on my arm. "Do you think we love each other?" His eyes were shining, from tears or the light I didn't know. "We love each other, but we can't. We couldn't make it." I lay my head down on his chest. "I don't know anymore, I think I love you too, but I can't have both of you." He knew I was talking about Deidara, there wasn't anyone else. "Ino, that's something you have to find out yourself. I can't wait forever, I have a life too you know." I got up again. "Still you don't mind fucking me on the side!" He told me to go back in bed. I didn't.

I was trying my luck knocking on doors again. Not sure who's door I was hoping it was. I just needed to talk to someone. That someone was going to be Nick. "Can we talk? I'm sad and my life sucks. It's so hard!" I think I made some pretty classy hand gestures too. He shook his head and made room for me. I walked in, I was upset and in unbalance. "Who does he think he is? Why does he keep doing this to me? Why do I keep letting him?" It was my entire fault in the end, it was all my fault. Nick hugged me; let me cry on his shoulder. I was glad he hugged me, I didn't know how much longer I would be able to stand on my own. "You just have to be strong, stop going back for him." It was easier said than done.

I wasn't sure what he had been doing before I came in, wasn't sure if he had been sleeping. "Why do you always have to do this, you drink and then you get sad." We broke off the hug and I grabbed his hand. "Don't let me down, not now." I begged him. "But you got to see that you can't be doing this." I didn't want to see. I leaned over and rested my head on his chest. I could hear his heart beating. It was so soothing. Nothing calmed me down more than heartbeats. It was so peaceful, strong and vital. "I just want my feelings to go away. I want to do something without being in love. It's too serious; I'm not ready to settle down, I'm not ready to be in a relationship, let alone getting married." I was ranting. He didn't know I was engaged. I slipped off the ring and put it in my pocket. "Then slow down, and take things in your pace." He didn't understand. "Then I'll lose them both, then I'll lose myself."

I sat down on his bed. Kicked off my shoes and lay down. Not caring if he wanted me there or not. I was here to stay. "You got to get this in your mind, Ino, you can't drink that much." Was it bad that I wanted more to drink while he was saying this? "I have control." He snorted. "Yeah, I can see that." I didn't want to carry on this conversation. "Just shut up and make love to me." It was a quick change in what we were talking about. "Like I said, you're too drunk for your own good." I started taking off my shirt. "Ino…" I got up and put my arms around him. "Tell me you don't want this, and I'll go to my own room." He didn't speak a word.

Nick was so much better than Jules; it wasn't just in and out. We weren't drunk and high as a kite. I was drunk, but good luck finding me in a situation like this when I wasn't. Nick had warm hands; I couldn't keep up with where they were. I couldn't think of what I was doing. That Deidara was home waiting for me. I wondered if he was expecting me to do something like this. I wanted to stop Nick, but deep in my heart I knew I would end up sleeping with someone anyway. I knew myself; I knew I would do something like this. On the first day, I didn't think it was this bad. "Nick, you're too good to me. I don't deserve this." I think he had feelings for me. It made it even worse, I was really hurting him too.

I woke up, sober enough. I now felt really bad about what I had done. I almost had an anxiety attack. Almost, I was mostly mad at myself. I found a note saying that the guys had gone to have dinner 20 minutes ago. Nick was going to say that I had just tried to get into the wrong room so he just let me sleep in his. Jules knew I was drunk, I was sure he would tell everyone. I took a really fast shower in Nick's room before I went to mine and changed. They were eating in the hotel restaurant. "Nice of you to join us, we are humbled by your presence," Sasuke joked. "I can, and I will hurt you!" I sat down. I ordered green salad from the waitress who quickly showed up. "Getting some sleep was great!" Jules proclaimed. Nick agreed, chewing on some bread. Disgusting, I think Sasuke agreed. "I'm going to go out for a cigarette." I didn't ask them to join me, I needed some time to think, or maybe not think at all.

You have no idea how calming it is, just dragging the toxic smoke through the filter. It felt so great, knowing you're shortening down your sad life, looking good while doing it too. Jules came out, asked if I had a cigarette to offer him. I threw him the rest of my pack. I had three left. I told him to keep it; I had ten more in my jacket. "I hope you know that you're not just sex to me." I had to look around. Somebody might be listening. "Let's not talk about this right now." He wanted to, saying I needed it. "I'm not going to lose any sleep over you, it breaks my heart, but it's true!" I sang and danced around. I might not be a hundred per cent sober. The three small vodka bottles I had on my room did help on that part. "And I'm not going to lose my cool over you!" I sang really loud and went inside. Finishing the last of my cigarette on the way, Jules couldn't talk without me being there.

The food had come; Nick pretended to be chocked on the cigarette smell. He smoked himself so I figured it was a joke and smiled. "Yes, I find it very funny that you're out smoking, then come back to eat your healthy green salad." I had my mouth full and let out some mm's. "I ordered some tomato soup too, and rice with soya sauce." Nick ooo'ed. "You eating all that girl? You might end up…" He remembered that mocking me for eating wasn't the best thing. "I want to get as big as the guy on Lost, he that never loses weight." We laughed; I wasn't too caught up in eating today. It might have ended in disaster the next day.

I couldn't help loving all of them, no matter how dysfunctional we all are. No matter all the stupid things we do together. I couldn't imagine my life without them. It sounds funny, but it's true. They are all so important in their own way. So eating dinner like this, just eating dinner turns out the be one of the greatest moments in my life. I adore each and every one of them. Sounds so stupid and girly. Bloody bastards.

Yeah, seems like nobody is interested in this anymore. I'm not sure if I'm going to bother uploading the chapters anymore. It's not worth editing, reading, looking for mistakes, re-writings parts that doesn't really make sense and so on. Not that to many would care since not that many are reading it. Eh, I don't know what I'm going to do, just letting you guys know that there's a possibility that I might not upload the rest of this story.


	24. Sumo Wrestler

I decided to just show up for the Pnau concert. I had gotten a backstage pass. Backstage meant free drinks, and fruit too. I like fruit, but not as much as I like free booze. I chatted with some guys busy with trying to seem important. I found a hammock and jumped in it. Laying in it, drinking I got a sick idea.

I ran as fast as my skinny legs could. I would make it or die trying hoping security wouldn't stop me. I ran behind Peter Mayers from the bar, I poked his shoulder. He was surprised, the crowd was cheering. I think I love being on stage when I don't have to perform. Shit, I love both. Not performing is more relaxed though. "I said I would come if I had the time!" We hugged, that's what celebrities do in front of a crowd. "I was flirting shamelessly with this girl yesterday in the hotel bar. So sure that she was here to meet some band or something. I was trying to warm her up, but she was rejecting me. I had no shame to stop, just look at her." He was addressing the crowd now. I was just laughing. I was drunk and getting loads of attention.

I think I ended up being convinced into singing a song. I made one up from the top of my mind. It was about my trip over here. What can I say? I wasn't completely there mentally. I was enjoying life, living in the minute. I gave both, he and his partner, a hug and a kiss on the cheek before I went off stage. Seems like the crowd liked it, it was funny. They didn't seem like the type who would like our music. I wouldn't complain. I didn't care who listened to the music I had helped create if they liked it. It was way after midnight when I made it to the hotel. I had joined the after party. I couldn't remember much of it. I made it back to the room somehow.

I was pretty much hung-over the next morning. We were playing that night, I felt like I was about to die. No way was this going to go, but it had to. It was my job. All I wished for was to stay in bed, but somebody had woken me up. Knocking on the door, I grunted to show any sign of life. "Special delivery!" It was Nick, twisting his voice. "Is it the sumo wrestler fetish suit?" I acted excited even if it killed me. He busted out laughing, no wait! It was Sasuke, that mullet! I rolled over on my back. "I'm awake!" I wondered if Jules was there too. Not sure if I should still be mad at him or not. Being sober his side of the case seemed better. Darn it, maybe that's a reason to kick start the day? A good solid drink. It would cure my hang-over. "Then open up!" I growled put on a shirt and opened.

Nick was standing in front of the door, Sasuke behind him and Jules resting against the wall on the opposite side of the hallway. Looked like he had a wild night himself, if I had to guess he had. "What time is it?" Nick walked in, Sasuke followed; Jules needed some time to react. "Late enough, you missed the morning yoga." I didn't find it too funny at the time. Kicked some bottles under the bed. "Might slow down on the drinking, we just got here. Man, you're worse than Jules." There was a small reaction when Nick mentioned his name. "Well, I'm not a zombie. Am I?" Nick looked from me to Jules. "Whatever makes you happy," Sasuke stated. "Okay, I'll slow down on the drinking today." Nick rolled his eyes. "NO drinking today, goes for the both of you. Don't mess up this." Nick and Sasuke left the room, giving me stern looks.

"Come over here!" I ordered Jules sitting down in the bed. He moved slowly. I found the shoe in the end of my bed, opened the sole and found something wrapped in plastic. Put two pills in his hand, and three for me. He didn't say anything. He just took them; I had expected a thank you or something. "I'm sorry about yesterday." It was a start, he didn't respond. "I do that a lot." He leaned against the wall. "Do you think it changes anything?" He was right. "I'm afraid not. I love you Jules." He knew I did, he loved me back. It pained him, he was so sure we didn't have a chance. "It'll never work, so stay with Deidara. He'll make you happy, he had so much to offer you." I rested my head on his shoulder. "So do you, but you can't see it. You're too sad, you think too little of yourself. You're a great person, you're a piece of art." He giggled. I'm guessing the pills started working.

Nothing is like morning sex. I don't care if he hadn't spent the night, I didn't care that I was involved with someone else. I would confess to him, and he'd forgive me. I knew he would, he had to. They both loved me, I loved them both, they didn't seem to have problems sharing. At the same time I knew I hated myself for this. For selling myself so cheap, for hurting everyone even myself, from jumping from one man to the other. I had no idea what I had even done the night before. I didn't like it, it made me sad so I drank to feel better. I drank so the pills would be stronger. I would drink so my feelings would be weaker. It worked, it worked too well. The side effect was only one major one, I was slowly killing myself.

"We have to get dressed and go to practice." I told him. He didn't want to listen, he wanted to smoke weed. "If the alarm goes off, it's your entire fault." We were still in bed, he was sitting, I was laying with my head in his lap. "What if they come back." I think he was tired of me talking. "Then let them come, I don't care." I got up, needed something to drink. Needed some vodka. Needed to forget. Needed to feel better again, maybe even happy.

The boys did come back. I was in the shower, I think Jules had fallen asleep. He was a wreck, that poor thing. They were just hanging around, I didn't know that they were there so I was glad I had wrapped a towel around myself. "Hey! Hey!" I said when I came out. I wasn't sure if they were mad at us being late or not. "We went to the casino, I won five dollars. Lunch is on me!" Sasuke yelled out, he looked honestly exited. There was a time when five dollars would do the same to me, without me faking it. "That's cool, do they have lobster in this place?" I found some clothes. Got dressed and woke up Jules. "We'll run to the hills the same hills that have loved us back since we children and these wonderful, wonderful people will read of our love on our tombstones and cry and someone will get all the glory, but I'll have yours and you'll have mine!" I sang loudly in his ear. I did enjoy singing to him lately.

Since Jules was dressed we were ready to go down and eat. It was a really late lunch, maybe you could call it dinner. Depends on when you eat dinner I guess. "You both looked so awful this morning, and still do. I almost feel sorry for you!" I ordered a glass of wine; the vodka had gotten me tipsy. I didn't need much more to get drunk. "Oh, shout up! You're just jealous because nobody ever invites you to the parties." Jules just smiled. "Oh yeah? Oh yeah?" I don't think Nick had a good come back. I just leaned on his shoulder since I was sitting next to him. "You're a funny one, aren't you?" I just giggled at his comment. I got my wine and started working on it. "That's the last one, okay? We have to practice." I might have made some comments on Sasuke being boring for asking me once again to cut back on the drinking.

Jules found it more fitting drinking beer than warming up his voice. It was a half hour before the show. We were allowed to be late, but I guess it's always good to be on time. He was just laughing at me making all these weird sounds. "Shut up! You're ruining your voice by not doing this! I'll laugh at you when I'm 80 and still able to sing!" Nick was filming this, laughing his ass off. Sasuke, well, I'm not sure who he was laughing at us or Nick.

The stage was plain, black with lights. It was a pretty big crowd having in mind that it was a festival and people show up when they hear music. I brought a bottle of wine on stage. More than enough to get me drunk twice, half of it was vodka so it was more than enough to get me wasted. Nick was the first on stage, Jules followed, I grabbed Sasukes hand and went after him. Sasuke turned around and smiled at me. I gave him a hug before he went over to his drums; he's so sweet at times.


	25. Bathroom Break

The concert went great. I got drunker and drunker, played Sasuke's drums. Failed at playing drums, broke the strings on my guitar twice, my throat hurt from singing and screaming. Jules laughed at me, making fun of me for being drunk. Like he wasn't so too, Nick went around slapping my butt scaring me, and that was about it. I almost tripped in some wires, almost! I did not make contact with the floor.

After the concert we were doing an interview, Sasuke wanted to skip it. We had to drag him with us. I was still carrying around on my bottle of wine and vodka; I had more than half of it left. I was more or less drunk out of my mind, giggling, having a great time, the world was mine and nothing could go wrong. My life was great!

We sat down on a couch backstage. Nick and Sasuke went to get some beer. I was sharing my bottle with Jules, and he had brought some beer with him. They were still gone when the interviewer came. He asked if we wanted to wait for them, Jules didn't. The interviewer was blond and skinny, he seemed pretty nice. He started out with normal questions like how we liked Australia. I was rather bored. "I love your accent! Wow, that's such an American thing to say, I'm becoming one of them!" He started laughing thanking me for the compliment. "I really love the new album, you weren't on the first time, and you were missing when you guys released the album! Why did you miss the release of your first album? What were you doing? Where were you?" Jules put his hand on my leg, trying to comfort me. "Yeah! We don't even know that! "Nick and Sasuke had returned. "I don't want to talk about it." I got up and sat on Jules lap making room for Sasuke and Nick, and getting some comfort from him. "I've heard that it was a wild party you were at and that's why you missed it." I hugged Jules and hid my face in the crook of his neck. "Just drop it, there's nothing to talk about," Jules tried knowing how upset it was making me.

Instead he moved on wanting to know if it was something between me and Jules, we just laughed at it. I was almost falling asleep. I had to drink some more to stay awake. "It's just, I think we would end up killing each other. He gets on my nerves, it's better to just you know… I don't even know myself. He might get mad if I say too much." I think he was mad just now; I just smiled and kissed his nose. He just smiled and looked into my eyes, had we been alone we all know how it would have ended. "We're just friends, there's really nothing between us. We're both taken." I had to deny everything. I think everyone in the band knew it was a lie, a pretty big one too. "He's more like the annoying little brother. Ino! I'm out of booze! Ino, can I have a cigarette! Ino, where is this, where is that?" Nick laughed and nodded, he was more well-known with those questions than me. "Yeah, he really is the annoying little brother!" Sasuke agreed. We all laughed at the poor thing.

When we were done we went to the after-party. I didn't want to let go of Jules, I was still feeling out of it. Thinking of what might have happened to me. "Jules! I love you, and thank you." I hugged him. It was getting late, and we were both drunk. "It's okay, I'm here." I wasn't sure where the two others had ended up; I couldn't care at the time. All I wanted was Jules, I had almost forgotten all about Deidara. He seemed so far away. "Want to go back to the hotel?" I grinned at him. "Meet in the bathroom in three minutes." His grin was even bigger than mine. Three minutes was more than enough time to get another drink, maybe I could try and locate Sasuke and Nick too. I went around with my drink, I found them. They didn't see me so I finished my drink and went to the bathroom. I wasn't sure if it had been three minutes, it might have been longer.

He was waiting for me. "In the bathroom, really?" I asked him. I locked the door so that nobody would walk in on us. That would not have been the greatest thing to happen. "Yeah, it was closer, I don't think I could wait to get to the hotel, I need you know." I don't think he was kidding. His kisses were rough and possessive. He wanted me, and I wanted him. "Why can't we try, try to have a relationship?" I jumped on the bench, he got between my legs. He didn't answer, he was too busy kissing my neck, undressing me. "This works, so why not try? Why does it only have to be sex? The sex is great, so would a relationship be. I need some excitement. I don't get that with Deidara, but he love me and I love him." He was still not answering. This was my thing, I talked too much when I was drunk. "What are you waiting on? Why aren't you fucking me yet?"

I would regret that night the next morning. We had been in a public place, we had been loud, people had heard us, reporters had heard us, I'm pretty sure the news had reached Deidara. Nick came knocking on my door. My head was killing me, I yelled for him to go away. I wasn't sure how I had gotten home. I could see that Jules had been here since some of his clothes were on the floor. "Ino, why say one thing and do the opposite?" I wasn't sure what he was talking about. "If you're going to cheat with the man you're just friends with, do it somewhere less public where people can't hear you." I growled. I wasn't sure if he found this funny or not. I was guessing not, but still slightly amused by my agonize. I got up, ran to the bathroom and threw up, I felt terrible. I had to explain this to Deidara. I didn't know if he knew.

"Hey?" I was so ashamed. This was the first time I had talked to him since I left. "What is it that you really want Ino? 'Cause I'm really confused." I couldn't blame him. "I don't know," I cried. "Maybe we should take a break so you can figure it out?" I started crying even more. "But I love you!" I knew he was really hurt this time. I knew he had had enough of me. "I know you do, but you also have feelings for someone else. I can't live with that, knowing you're sleeping with someone behind my back." He was right, he really was. "I'll move out, and we'll talk when you come back." My whole world was shattering. "But I love you!" I cried. I knew everything he had said was fair. "It doesn't help when I'm not the only one. I love you too, but I want you to love only me." I didn't know how to respond. "I'll make it up to you, I want you!" I knew I couldn't stop seeing Jules. Not now. "I'll let you go, but I love you. I want us to work, I'm not sure I can give up Jules right now. He means too much for me, but you mean so much more." That was what I assumed. "I'll be waiting for you to decide, but I can't wait forever." It seemed like I've had this talk before. "I love you!" I cried again. "I love you too, but we can't be going on like this. Call me when you're ready." He hung up.

I ran and knocked on Jules door. He didn't open at first, he must have been sleeping or he was just too hung-over to respond. When he figured the knocking wouldn't stop he opened, surprised to see me standing there, crying. "He broke up, we broke up." He just hugged me, didn't say anything. He might not know how respond, he might not know if he was happy we had or not. I didn't want him to respond. I just wanted him to stand there, hug me, and make me feel better. He was used to me showing up crying I think. I always went to him, unless he was the one that had made me cry. That also happened often too. I couldn't deny that, he could be mean, he could be cold, and he was like me a drug addict. We all change then; we sometimes put drugs before people. I had stopped, I had become better, and now that was all over. I had started using again; I was drinking most of the day, curing a hang-over with more drinking. I had nothing to stay sober for now; I had nothing when I came back. Was it all worth it?

"It's funny how it all falls down so fast." I was laughing as I was crying. "Don't say that, I'm here." He kissed my forehead. I kissed his lips. I had to get over this; I couldn't let this get me down. We would talk when we got back. It's not like it was all over. I would end things with Jules by then and only have Deidara. I would never cheat on him; I would never do anything to hurt him because I love him. I would use this time to be with Jules and get done with him. I left his room before things started happening. I wasn't in the mood for it, I wasn't drunk enough. I went down to the bar; I think someone was doing some interviews or something. There was some press people there. I just came for the drinks, so I walked past them and sat down at the bar. I had three shots of vodka in front of me. I poured them down as fast as I could and waited for a refill. I think the bartender felt bad for me, but he kept handing out the drinks. I started a conversation with him, it's not like he had other customers this early in the morning. He was studying to be a teacher and had a sick mother. I felt sorry for him, I figured it must be nice having a mother that care. Then she's sick it's terrible.

Some reporter came over to me, asked me if I wanted to do an interview. I said no, but he started asking questions. I asked the bartender if he had an orange, he went to get me one. "I think I like this bartender, he's so nice to me, but he's not a suck up." The reporter sat down next to me. I asked him if he wanted some of my vodka. "I think I might be half Russian. I only drink vodka and wine." The reporter was recording everything I was saying. "What is it that reporters want from me? Nothing I ever do is good enough," I contemplated on taking another drink. "I don't want anything you don't want, you're a great artist. What you do is great." Talking about sucking up, I didn't want to have any of it. "All I can do is sing, I'm not even good on the guitar. I learned to play it in my basement, from the few things my friend had showed me. I would look at pictures of guitar players, see how they were holding their guitar, the grips you know. I'm not a musician. I'm not talented. I was just in the right place." The bartender came back with an orange, I thanked him. Struggled to peel it, I was weak. "What do you mean you're not a musician?" I was having real problems peeling the orange. "I don't know anything, I don't have any talent. They just put me on a stage literally ." The bartender had to help me peel the orange, I laughed. "No, you're really talented. Some even say that you're the best female singer at the time. They compare you to Janis Joplin, Madonna and big names like that." I couldn't help but to laugh and scoff.

"Even in my personal life I fail, I have nothing good going on now. I don't even know why I bother getting up in the morning." The interviewer just looked at me. "I'm not saying I don't want to live, I'm just saying I don't have any good reasons for it right now." I didn't want to talk to him anymore. I downed my drink and went out. I didn't even get his name, and he just expected me to open up to him.


	26. Girls

"What did you think about dinner? " Nick asked holding a camera in front of my face. "The steak was too dry; I asked for it bloody right off the bone." We started laughing, it was so stupid. "What did you think about the sauce?" I asked him. He thought it was marvelous. "I'm going out to smoke a cigarette." He followed me. We weren't sure where Sasuke or Jules was. They went missing around breakfast. "Where do you think they are?" He was still recording me. "Gay sex, or alien abduction, then alien sex." He just nodded, agreeing. "Why are you filming me?" I asked him. "You're funny." I bent down and tied my shoe. My stomach started rumbling. "I think I ate too much." I giggled. I finished my cigarette, wondering if I wanted another one. "Let's hit some bar! I'm painfully sober and the camera is freaking me out you little ferret."

He put down the camera for a while. We went to a bar, we did get drunk. "Nick! Nick!" He answered, I leaned my head on his shoulder. "My finger is bleeding and I don't know why!" He looked at it and kissed it. I went outside and dragged him with me. The music was so loud inside. "I'm so drunk it's not even funny!" I rested my head on his shoulder again. "I feel like shit." I don't know if Nick was mad or not. "Then you shouldn't have been drinking so much." I growled. My stomach was hurting too. I wish I had eaten more before I had gone out drinking. Nick had the camera out again. "Where are Sasuke and Jules? I miss them. I like Sasuke's ass. It's so firm!" I laughed. Bended over, my stomach hurt.

Nick asked if I was okay. I leaned against the wall. "Yeah, it's just. Everything is spinning, I need another drink." I was about to go inside when he stopped me. "No, I think you've had enough today." I tried to pull away. "Let go of me!" I yelled, getting madder by the second. "Let's go back to the hotel room, its late now." It wasn't late; I was just drunk out of my mind. I sat down, he sat down next to me, still holding my hand. "Want to braid my hair?" I asked, my mood having a total make-over. He just laughed, I joined in. "You would look great in an ice blue dress." I was speaking before I was thinking. I just smiled, he seemed shocked. "So… Maybe I've had enough to drink." I giggled, I do giggle when I'm drunk. "You think so?"

We walked over to the hotel. He had to help me walk, we were both drunk. I was shitfaced drunk as always, I wouldn't have been able to take care of myself. I can see now why he wouldn't let me go. "You're so kind to me Nick." I rested my head on his shoulder; it was too heavy to hold up. "Can I sleep in your room tonight? I don't want to be alone. I'm sad." I don't think he would have let me sleep alone either way. In the hallway we met up with Sasuke and Jules again. Sasuke had one girl on his arm, Jules had two. I pretended like I didn't care, kissed Nick just to show him that we have had a great night. Nick I think knew that this was just to try and make Jules jealous. He started kissing my neck, playing along. I giggled loudly, "Nick where have you been all this time? Fuck, we should have hocked up more often!"

We made it into his room after Jules had gone to his. Sasuke didn't want to be a part of this and was long gone. When we got on the inside of his room I kept kissing him. "Ino, Ino! That douchbag can't see us; we don't have to act anymore." I smiled "who said I was acting?" He wasn't sure how to react. I don't blame him, he was unsure. I had been Jules, he didn't want to start a fight with him, we were friends, and we were both drunk. That's what settled it; we could pass it as a drunken mistake. Who knows, if we dress after we were done, we would most likely not remember it. That's if it hadn't been for the camera, on the nightstand, recording some. I'm not best friends with the camera.

It was fair to say that I was the pushy one. I pushed him down on the bed, I started undressing him. Fuck, I was even on top of him. It was little talking, just a few directions for each other. We did fairly well, considering that we were both drunk. We even threw in some foreplay. It wasn't hump and dump like someone else practiced. "I think under the covers action is immensely sexy." He pulled the covers over his head. I couldn't help but to laugh. "In French orgasms is called a little death, let's see if you can kill me tonight." He did, he did it good and twice.

I had woken up early that morning. Decided to skip the awkward part where Nick woke up and none of us knew what to say. In the hallway Jules was saying goodbye to one of his girls. He gave her a slap on the butt when he saw me. I just slipped him a sincere looking smile. I didn't know why he was doing this, if I had done something or whatever. I wasn't going to let it get to me, that's what he wanted. If he couldn't be a man and tell me to my face, I was going to ignore it no matter how much it hurt. He wasn't worth all the pain and tears, who was I kidding?

I locked the door and would refuse to open; I wouldn't even go down and eat. I was starving, found some nuts and fruits. Didn't help much. Nick had to come and pleaded to get me out, he was most likely thinking he was to blame for this. "I'm not feeling too good; it's nothing about last night. It was fun, but probably not something we should do again." I just smiled it had been a good time. "So you would feel sicker if I told you Jules had his arms wrapped around some dumb blond during dinner?" Yes it would. "Don't make fun of the bonds!" I laughed, he did too glad I wasn't mad at him.

I was really wondering if should just stay in my room or not that night. I needed something to take my mind off things so I went down to the hotel bar to see if the nice bartender was there. He served me three shots of vodka before I had to ask for it and gave me one of those sad smiles. "Do you think I drink too much?" I was just looking down at the vodka. "I'm not supposed to say anything like this, but I think you have some real problems that you try to cover up with alcohol. I don't see your problems easing up, and one person can only take that much of alcohol before it all starts going bad." He had been thinking about this. I smiled and took the first drink. "I do think you're right. I do drink because my life is too much to handle. I might try to stay sober this night." Seven drinks later that was a different story.

"You see, I fail at everything. Then I do this to feel better, but I end up making it worse. Still I do it every day." I wanted to just go in a corner and cry. That's what I felt like, but I was going to sit here and get done with another drink. "Do you have any apple juice or anything?" I laughed. "Good to hear that you're slowing down, you beast." It was Jules, he had been sitting with three skanks in a booth, and I'm not calling them whores because I was jealous or anything. Three girls, one guy, that's just the definition on whore behavior. "Isn't it the pimp king? And beast is something you call your friends, not a girl." He just laughed at me. I just realized that this was the first time we had spoken in almost two days. "Chatting up some random guy that has no interest in taking you to bed I see." I got mad at him right there and then. "Maybe because it's not all about sex to me! Maybe I don't need to contract every STD in the book to show that I'm mad at you! Maybe I'm man enough to tell you that I have a problem instead of sleeping with whatever male I can find! It does hurt when you bring all those girls to your room; I thought we had something more than that. Still, I not going to try and stop you if that's what you want. So do whatever you like, I'm not going to stop you." He took one of my drinks. "You fuck my best friend; I had every right to sleep with horny girls that I never have to look in the face again!" I laughed bitterly. "Oh, please! I only slept with him because you brought all those skanks home! I slept with him after you started doing whores, so please don't go down that road!" He put the glass down. "Okay, I'll tell you the truth! I only sleep with them because I don't have any feelings for them. They don't make me scared, I don't love them like I love you." I got up and kissed him. He rejected me, pushing me off before he stormed out. I finished the last drink. "See, I only get more problems when I drink."


	27. Me Too

I left and went up to my room after that. The girls had run after Jules, all wanted him because he was rich and famous. I loved him because he was who he was, I wanted him. I wanted him; I wanted to try this with him. I wanted a break with Deidara. I loved him too, but it wasn't sure who I wanted the most. I needed to try with Jules. I felt bad for having to pick one of them. For having to let one of them down. I took a vase and threw it to the floor. Didn't care that it would break and the splinters would cut my legs. It was a stupid thing to do. Why the hell would someone just throw a vase to the ground? Somebody knocked on the door. "Booty… Room service!" Is it possible to be so mad that you faint? Because I fainted, fuck you Jules.

I could feel something tight wrapped around my legs, it felt like I couldn't breathe. I was scared; I was so scared at that moment. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know where I was, who I was with. I felt someone grab my hand, I pulled it closer. It was Jules, it could only be him. It smelled like him, and it felt like him. I cried I had been frightened that our fight had ruined our relationship. "I love you too, I love you Julius!" I felt that this could have been a scene from a bad romance movie. The hotel, the ugly paintings on the wall, bowls of fruit, a couple crying in the bed the girl hurt and crying. I was growing sick of this place, the happy yellow walls, the ugly curtains and all the other crap they had put in there.

He didn't speak, maybe it wasn't him. That would have been embarrassing to be honest. I grabbed him, pulling him closer. The touch of his shirt told me it was the white shirt with the topless pin-up girl showing everybody the finger. He always seemed to wear when something was bothering him. It's funny all the habits you come to learn when you're so close to someone. "Everything seems so wrong, I don't know if I can keep on doing this!" He was upset too; it's a good thing that it wasn't only me having problems. I had calmed down by now; I was able to think straight. "That's when you slow down and see what you need to change. It's only going to keep on hurting yourself and everybody else if you don't." He nodded; maybe I was making some sense? "Jules, I've lost my way. I don't know what I'm doing half of the time. I want to change that. I need to change that, for all of us. I need to make up my mind, I need to slow down on the drinking and take responsibility." Our lips connected. "I want to find your way, and I want to make it our way. Ino, I love you. I know you might not want this, but I want you to be my girl. I want to be with you, I can't keep halfway having you, I want you to be mine as badly I want to be yours."

I didn't think about him having a girlfriend at the time. A girl that had attacked me at one point, I can see why, but violence. Really, violence! It didn't matter at that time. I opened my eyes to see a white dressed Jules, in his shirt as I had known. His hair was messy, and his eyes puffy. He looked like he needed a shower; he looked really out of it. "I'd love that." If anybody was measuring the cheesiness of this, I think our smiles would have blown the scale. We couldn't help it, we were in love. Like I had been in love with Deidara just a few weeks ago, that I was engaged to. This was different, this wasn't like that. Still I felt bad for Deidara even if this wasn't the time for being sad.

"I tried to remove all the glass from your legs, it was moderately nauseating." I had to snort to hide my laugh. "Your fault for scaring me." That was a lie "I'm covered in blood, I need a shower." I got up and pulled him with me. He hadn't been expecting that I think. I had to smile; he was like a lost puppy dog. "You're so adorable when you're lost!" He looked even more lost after that. I kicked the door shut behind him, pulled off his shirt. Now it seemed like he was following. "Us, shower?" I had to giggle again, so adorable. I nodded and pulled of my shirt. It hurt walking on my legs, but I didn't want to look at them. Stepped out of my pants and kissed Jules who was more than eager to undress. I helped him some on the way. I had finished before him. I turned on the shower before we went in so that it would be hot water.

"You're so unstable, I never know what you're going to do next." I was hoping he wasn't calling me mental, he might be right. It's a different thing saying it. I started nibbling on his ear; I could hear him gently laugh into mine. I wasn't sure what to do next. I had gone this high on joy, I didn't know how things went down in showers. I had seen it in a movie once, but that was rape and didn't really apply to this, I'm pretty sure, I really hoped. So I just went with my emotions.

I leaned up against the wall, went for his lips. My hands were in his hair, it was wet now. His skin was so soft under the water, I quite liked it. I pulled him closer, skin against skin. The way it was meant to be. "Ino, I fucking love you." Oh, how romantic. I bit my bottom lip as he started kissing my neck. Did I ever mention that he has the lips on Italian and skills of a Greek god? "Then make love to me." It was so silly; my voice was hardly a whisper but it was strong. "Ah, you know what you want." I knew what he wanted to. "Yes, I do… Julius Deligado, I want you." He sniggered. "Then you can have me, Ino Dubois."

I jumped up and wrapped my legs around his hips; he slammed me against the wall. The noises that first erupted from sounded like a dog in pain, then a purring kitten before it turned into a human orgasm. He was moaning, if it was from pleasure or if he was tried I couldn't answer. The only exercise he ever did was having sex. I came before him, he finished shortly after and pulled out. "I love you, Ino," he told me. I smiled and said I do too. I couldn't say it back. I dried off and went to bed again tired from the shower. He left; I didn't know I had screwed up. He had been hurt.

He had called together the holy trio. He had told them what he had been doing that day. "She just pulled me to the shower, and then we had sex. That was great by the way, she's so, she feels almost unfucked if you get what I mean. So I'm just so happy, so I tell her that I love her, she response with me too. What the hell is that?" Sasuke looked away and Nick laughed. "You sound like a girl! You do sound like a girl! Why didn't she say that she loves me back? I said it, she should say it back!" Sasuke lost it starting laughing too. "You're so lost, Jules, you're never going to have the real thing with her. I can bet you Nick can get her to bed tonight." Nick just smiled "I did twice last night already." Jules was even more upset after that, and the high five between Sasuke and Nick didn't help on his mood. "You guys, I'm serious here. I think I love her." Sasuke just shook his head. "You've loved her since she came around." Nick nodded. "Ever since you boned her all those years ago." Jules sank together and rested his head on his hands. "Yeah… Yeah… You might just be right."


	28. Crawling Back

It had been decided that we were going to go shopping then have dinner together. I had started the drinking at lunch, followed it up during dinner and was close to drunk when we decided to watch a movie. The only thing that was showing was Something Borrowed. The boys laughed hard as they bought the tickets. I had to giggle some myself, as drunk as I was. I sat next to Jules, he was holding my hand the whole time. Nick got mad when we started making out, claiming we were too loud and he really liked this movie. Jules did not like it at all; I was concentrating on everything else. Sasuke was joking around the whole time, fake crying, pretending to be scared and even did the fake yawn trick and put his arm around Nick. They acted more like a couple than we did.

I decided that it was late enough to hit the bar when the movie was over, I was sobering up and I didn't want any of that. "Bar! Bar! I'm thirsting!" I dragged Jules hand, he wasn't the hardest to get to a bar. Nick followed muttering something about needing some girl, Sasuke followed up by acting devastated accusing him for cheating. I love those guys, wouldn't surprise me if they were gay for each other. Just judging by the way they were acting.

No need to say that we ended up having a wet night. The bars closed earlier here, I don't know when we were thrown out. Sasuke was long gone, and Nick had gotten the girl he wanted. Jules and me had gotten on a bus and jumped off on a random spot. "I have no idea where we are, do you?" He took my hand and ran down to some field. "I don't need to know where I am when I'm with you." He was so sweet, I kissed him. He smiled and lay down. He looked up at the sky. "It's amazing that they are there, even if you can't see them. The stars, you're my star Ino. I might not always see you, but you're always here, in my heart." I lay down next to him, he held my hand. "That's so sweet. Even when I'm mad at you, there's still that one part of me that loves you, that's ready to give up everything and forgive you no matter what you've done."

I rolled on top of him. We would sleep with each other right there, under the stars that didn't shine but was still there. We were shining that night; we were the stars, putting up a show on the field for everyone to see. We didn't care, we loved each other, we didn't mind if someone saw us.

Some of the romance was lost when I woke up to Jules throwing up in a river not far away. Still I couldn't help laughing at him; I didn't feel much better myself. I was just happy I was waking up with him.

The whole jumping off in the middle of nowhere wasn't that smart the next day. None of us had brought phones, we had been waiting for a bus to pass for hours. To make time pass we had sex once again, this time in the bus shed. "Oh! We have to write our names, so that we'll know that we had been here, having sex!" I pulled out a sharpie from my pocket. I always brought one in case somebody wanted my autograph and they didn't have anything to write with. "J.D and I.D with a heart around! Isn't that cute?" He kissed me and giggled slightly and my teenage like silliness. "That's really beautiful, even on a wall we look good together. We're both D, maybe people will think we're married. Then they'll think when some childish teenagers have made it, we will too! Then we'll be the cause of many failed and unhappy marriages!" The bus pulled up. I paid for the both of us, he hadn't brought enough money.

At the hotel Nick was going crazy along with our manager Shikamaru. When did he come? Had he been here the whole time? "Yo…" Jules tried to break the tension. Really, was that the best he could come up with? "No, you're no rapper! Go and pack! We're late as it is!" That's why they were worried, busy old Shikamaru. He stepped up when he needed to, that bright ass. Jules and me just laughed in the elevator up with them. I felt sad about leaving the bartender. We had become such good friends. He was the last one I said good bye to. I slipped him a check and a note without him noticing. It was so he would have something extra to take care of his sick mother with and some so he could focus more on school when he started. I thanked him for being there for me. He had done more than he had been hired to do, I knew that.

Then we would repeat the same pattern until we came back home. I was so tired I slept for weeks. it seemed like it was all I did. If it was to block out the empty sad apartment I didn't know. It didn't feel right without Deidara there. I redecorated, painted the walls, bought new furniture, still it didn't feel right. Not even when Jules was there, it helped it just wasn't the same. He couldn't fill the emptiness.

"Where do you think we're heading? How can you say you're my boyfriend when you're still with that girl?" He had refused to break up with his old girlfriend. Saying he couldn't do this to her twice, but cheating on her with the same girl twice was totally cool. "Don't you trust in our relationship? I'm going to give you an ultimatum. You have one week to end things with her, or we go back to being friends." I thought this was what he needed, that he would pick me over her. "I won't be mad if you stay with her, I just need everything or nothing." I was going to get everything. That was the only way he was going to make me happy like Deidara did.

I hadn't told him what happened when Deidara came by to pick up the last of his stuff. We had sex, but we talked first. I had promised him to stay off the drinking and the drugs. It had started affecting the music too. I don't think anyone had dared to point it out yet. I had noticed it, listening back to the recordings; it just wasn't like it had used to be. It was best for me in every way to just stop. Jules wasn't thinking in the same way. To be honest that was becoming a problem. We would have to work on that when he broke up with his other girlfriend. Other girlfriend, just thinking it sounded wrong.

It was from there it all went downhill. Sasuke got a girlfriend, knocked her up he was becoming a father. The first one to become a parent out of us. Jules and Nick was always bickering, he was jealous of Nick, that we had a slept together, that we were friends. A simple convocation would make Jules raging. He and Nick weren't friends anymore; I couldn't be with Nick if Jules knew. It strained my relationship to both of them. Work on the new CD was slow, it was bad. Everybody was so hostile towards each other.

I ended things with Jules, he never left his girlfriend. He said our relationship really didn't have a future, we hadn't told anyone about it. He was right, I could see that. Didn't stop me from hating him. I went crawling back to Deidara begging for mercy. I had learned my lesson now. It was strange in the start. We decided to take it slow this time, but we decided that I should still have the ring. It took almost a year before we moved back together. We felt safer, we trusted one another. It helped a great deal that I was sober on and off.

The band decided to take a break after the new album, all we ever did was argue. The only one on speaking terms with everyone was Sasuke, but all he cared about was becoming a father. I hated Jules, he hated me, Nick and Jules hated each other. Or so it seemed like, I can't speak for the others. I didn't talk much with any of them after the break. I focused on making my relationship with Deidara work. We were serious this time, or I was serious he had always been. I didn't do much, I didn't do anything publicly. I turned down every offer I got. It seemed like I had disappeared. I didn't mind that, that's what I wanted. I didn't know what to say about me and the band, me and Jules, and I freaked out just thinking about the future.

I hurt some when they all started moving on, I tried to gather the band in the start. Nobody was interested, even if it was just for dinner so that we could talk. It didn't mean that we had to get back together and make music; it just meant that we needed to talk. I hated that everybody was so frustrated and angry with each other. It didn't work, so I put it at rest.

Jules ended up marrying his girlfriend; they had a son together now. We rarely spoke, we were polite when we did. Still it was clear that we hadn't put anything of what happened behind us. Nick was the one I had most contact with. He seemed to never settle down, moving from one girl to the next every month or so. If I was any crazier I would say it was because of his feelings towards me, but then I'm also being really stuck up. Sasuke didn't have much time for me, he had twins and a wife. They were beautiful and so cute, that's coming from me who hates babies. It made even me want one; I would never admit it to anyone. I knew I couldn't get pregnant, Deidara and me had talked about adopting one day. That was one day, we weren't sure when. I felt bad for not being able to get pregnant; I knew how much Deidara wanted to have children. I felt that I had let him down, because it was my fault that I couldn't get pregnant in the end. I couldn't change anything now. It was too late.

Sorry for the big jump, change or whatever you feel like calling it. I'm still not done with this story, but I'm just not going to drag it out and jump some years forward. I think that this is the best thing to do for me as a writer and you as a reader. I'm going to finish the story, since one person wanted me to! Oh the joy, so thank you that one person. This is all for you! Feel special!

Hope everybody liked it, if you make a valid complaint and don't want me to change it up I'd be more than willing to listen. Take care and have a good morning/day/evening/night

"It really changed my life. When we split up, something changed, permanently, in me. My heart sort of broke that day, and it will never be the same."

A quote I just felt like fitted for what's going on. This is what I do on my spare time, look up quotes. I'm an odd one.


	29. Broken Up

"I don't know, I think we grew apart, maybe even we grew up. We got sick of everything; it didn't give us any joy, so it wasn't fair for anyone to keep going. It's not like we hate each other and ended it, but we did argue more and more frequently, it was tearing us apart. We couldn't work together, if I wrote a song Jules would point out small, tiny flaws and told me to throw away the whole thing, if we had made a song the rest wouldn't even listen to it. We stopped going forward. Working together didn't work anymore."

She shifts in her chair. She's been quiet after the Frets took a break over two year ago. She's been dead quiet, but claims she's been around. All the other band members has done solo projects or made other bands. The other band members have also claimed a creative dry as the sole reason for their breakup. Ino doesn't mind going into details about it, all the drunken nights, the conflicts in the band, the arguments and the affairs, even if she doesn't really go into details about the affairs she just doesn't deny it.

"_**Everybody has gone their own way, made something else. What are your plans for the future?" **_

She takes off her silver ring and plays with it. "Well, it is this thing. I've been engaged for years now, nobody knows, but I think it's time to do something about it. It's just been sitting on my finger. I have to face it, most people my age have started families. I don't know if that's what I want as well. I can't have any on my own so we'll have to adopt, and that takes time. I'm also not sure if it would be fair for a child to be adopted by us. I mean, I think we would make great parents, it's just that he or she wouldn't have a totally normal life."

"_**Congratulations on the engagement! Nobody knew? Really that's amazing!" **_

She laughs, she's so very private when it comes to certain parts of her life. "Yes, it's been a few years now. It's time to do something about it. It's just that I've never wanted to get married, but now I want to do it for him. He really wants to I think."

"_**By him you're meaning Deidara right?"**_

I'm not sure if anybody can make her smile like that. She turns into a blushing, giggling teenage girl. She tells how she used to despise him when they first meet but loved his butt. That's the rock star behavior that I was missing.

"_**So how about the Frets, is it over? Do you think you'll ever get back together?" **_

"That is such a hard question. We're four people, if nothing has changed since last time we were together… I think we, no. I can't answer that. I really hope it's not over, but they are all doing their own thing and seem to be pretty happy with it. I've tried to make something happen; I don't think they are ready to get over all the problems we had. Many of them I had created."

"_**Problems you created? You're the only girl, and lots have been said about that, did you ever have an affair with any of the other band members?"**_

She bites her bottom lip. "Me and Jules had a pretty intense relationship; it's nothing like what it was made into in the media. We weren't like rabbits you know? Considering our past, and how everything happened I was closer to him than the rest. We didn't no, it wasn't like it's portrayed in the media." I wanted to correct her on say me first, but I figured it was maybe some way of telling how mad she was at him, and she's French. She had corrected me every single time on that last time we had talked. She doesn't seem like the same person anymore.

"_**So you're saying you two had something going on?"**_

She laughs and puts her right hand on top of her knee. She refuses to answer, I get the point. I'll just mark that one as true and pretty intense as she said. Trying a new tactic I ask her if she's going to do some solo work as well.

"_**But you're all good now? You're clean and doing good?" **_

"There's not a day that goes by without me missing that stuff. I love it more than I loved my father, still I hate it more than my mother, and I thought that wasn't possible. It would be a lie if I said that there aren't days where I just want to go back to those days and not give a shit. My mind was so twisted. That's when I have to look back at that time too. I constantly did stupid things, I don't remember much of it, I look like some zombie, I couldn't keep a relationship, friendly nor romantic. It's better being sober, but so much harder." She's only been completely sober for eight months, but it's a start, and better than she's ever done.

She complains about being hungry. There's no hiding that she has gained weight, she looks healthy, but she's getting on the plus size side. We decide to go out and eat. It's not rare that she takes journalists with her. She goes to a nearby restaurant and orders a green salad, still claiming to be vegetarian and eating healthy. She doesn't even want dressing. By eating healthy, she's also eating.

"_**Where do you think you'll be three years from now?" **_

"Crying in front of a TV watching doctor Phil. No, I'm not sure, I could be anywhere. I don't have any plans, I might be making music, raising children, gone back to my old job. My future is so unpredictable. I don't even want to take a guess."

"_**You talk a lot about children; do you really want to have one?"**_  
>"I don't want a biological one, it's just so narcissistic. You have this little lump that's half of you. I also can't stand babies, they're so stupid. They just lay there, eat and sleep. They can't even hold up their own head. Don't get me wrong, I don't think badly of anyone who has children, and I wouldn't hate the child if I had one. Deidara really wants one, we have been trying for half a year or so now. It's just not happening, and it's getting late. It's just been on my mind lately." You can tell from her facial expression that it hurts that she can't have children on her own. If I didn't know better I would say that she's just hiding her feeling by saying that she really doesn't want biological children.<p>

"_**So you think your musical career is over?" **_

She shakes her head. "I miss it, something has to happen soon or I'll go crazy."

"_**What you're trying to say, that it's a Frets album coming up soon?" **_

"No, we're not even close to working out our problems; nobody has time to do it. And I'll never do it just for the money, I'll have to feel it."

"_**I hope it happens soon, none of the solo albums have been as good as the real deal. What kind of problems made the band split up?"**_

"Thanks, and we haven't split up. I just think we got tired of each other. We all have so much to say, and we all want to scream the loudest. It didn't work out. We argued more than anything, about stupid pointless things, we had so many issues with each other, we never did anything with them so they just built up, we teamed up, said things behind each other's backs. It was just immature, and I know I caused most of the problems. So if you want to blame anyone for splitting up it's me. I hate that, they've always been so good friends, we have always been so good friends. Somewhere along the way I abused the friendship I had with them. It's not like we hate each other. Don't get me wrong, we're friends still, we just aren't that close anymore. I don't feel like they trust me."

I want to go in depth on why they started arguing, about what and why they didn't trust her. She refuses, claiming they're going to be mad enough at her for just doing this.

"_**If you made a solo album, would you go with the same garage-band style from the Frets?"**_

"What is garage-rock? I've never even played in a garage; I've played in a basement. I think it would have been a pretty chill, feel-good basement rock album. If anything"

"_**So you're not denying that you'll be making a solo album?"**_

"No, I take everything day by day. I have no idea what I may come up with in two weeks, you know? I'm keeping myself busy, if I need to release a solo album I'll do that. If I find something better to do, I'll do that. Only time will tell, but I really want do something with music soon."

"_**Everybody is just waiting for you to drop your solo album. Everybody else has, why not you?" **_

"I just haven't felt like it, been doing other stuff as I said. I feel that I shouldn't do anything without them, they're the sole reason you have any interest in talking to me. I feel that music is something sacred, and just something I'll do with the band. I think when I do a solo album, the Frets might be over. I can't say that for sure, but as I said. I have other things to do."

"_**What have you been doing?" **_

She gives a clever smile. "You'll see pretty soon. I just hope it isn't too much at one time."

She leaves me dying to know just what she's been doing. We joke around I just then noticed how much she has grown, how responsible and mature she is. She also seems stressed and overworked to the max. Hope she's not working herself to death.


	30. Mother to be

I had been out shopping. I was exhausted. I didn't know why. I had been eating, but I had some idea what the problem was.

Deidara was sitting on the couch reading. I dropped off my bag and went to the bathroom bringing one of the bags with me. I went out and sat down next to Deidara. I asked him how his day was; he told me it was fine not paying much attention to me. "Is something wrong?" He put down his book. "Ino, be honest. Have you been seeing Jules?" I was shocked, I hadn't seen him in months. "No, I wouldn't go behind your back. We're not talking. Way to ruin to mood, we're going to have a bastard." He looked at me. "You got a dog? Why didn't you tell me? Don't I have a say in this? We live together." I laughed and kissed him. "No silly, we won't be having one if we get married." He looked down at my stomach. "Did you just call our baby a bastard?" I laughed again. He was happy too now.

Me, I wasn't sure what to think. I was happy, yes. But I was scared. I was scared of losing it. I was scared it would never happen, but now I was going to be happy. Now I didn't have a worry in my life. I shouldn't have. I had everything I needed. I had someone who loved me; I was having a child with someone I loved. It wouldn't be something bad, it would be something great. We wanted this; we were going to do this.

I didn't know how to act anymore. I was becoming a mother. Deidara the father was luckily a responsible person. I was helpless.

We went to the doctor; found out that I was six months on the way. I couldn't understand how that was possible. I wasn't showing, I wasn't fat. We were told it could sometimes happen, but it was nothing to worry about. That's easy for him to say, we only had three months to get ready. I was freaking out even more than before.

"No! Deidara! It's not going to be okay! Are you ready to become a parent in two months? I know I'm not! I'm going to be a terrible mother! I wouldn't even know how to hold it; I've never held a baby! What if I drop it? I don't want to kill our child. I don't think I can do this!" He hugged me. Tried to calm me down, it was getting closer and closer. I was worried about everything. I knew that I had been clean while I had been pregnant, but I still wasn't eating perfect. I had been eating for two. What if it was sick because of that, because I was so selfish?

I had grown a lot the last month too. It wasn't that little bulk that could be passed for me being slightly chubby anymore. I was sick of that too, how the media constantly wrote about how fat I had gotten. From a stick to a full grown Redwood tree. Darn, I had been anorexic that could have driven me over the edge. It wouldn't be too long until someone found out that I was pregnant too. I tried to stay inside as much as I would. Not that I had the energy to run around town. I spent most of the time reading and listening to music.

Deidara had told his parents. It was weird; I had only met them a few times. They were quite lovely, slightly conservative. They wanted us to get married before the child was born, like that would change anything. I didn't have any family to tell. I had told Nick, he was happy for me. Made a joke about him falling behind. I think I saddened him that I was going to have a child. I had also told Sasuke, because he had done this before. Of course he hadn't been pregnant, but he was a parent. He gave me a few advices, told me I was two years late. Both of his kids were running around, saying a few things every now and then. Adorable, but I was glad I got to leave. They tired me out. Soon I wouldn't have that option when I got my own.

I had dreaded telling Jules. Not that I think it would change too much between us, nothing that I cared about. It was just that I hadn't spoken to him in ages. I didn't want him to read it somewhere, but I didn't want get in touch with him again. He was like some drug; I didn't think I was strong enough to resist him.

I just had to when he like Nick and Sasuke released his solo album. There was one song there that couldn't be about anybody else than me.

I was crying, he picked up and waited. This could have happened any day years ago. "Was that song really about me, that's really what you think about me? A soulless whore?" I think he knew I would react that way. I think he knew me too well. "And her heart, she let it die. I'm not sure she's alive." He was quiet, why I didn't know. "I knew you would do that. That you would look at the negative. That's what you do, that's why you're sad." I couldn't believe he was calling me sad. He didn't know me like he used to do. He didn't know a thing. "We need to meet." It wasn't a question. "Right now?" I hadn't anything better to do. "Yeah, meet me at Buenos Aires." I hung up and got dressed. I wore a big coat to cover up my stomach. I would still need to take it off inside.

He was waiting for me outside; he looked like he was freezing. Didn't know how to greet him so I said hi and went inside. He followed, we were seated, and he still hadn't said anything. He looked at the menu, this was a war. None of us wanted to be the one to break the silence. "What is the lovely couple having to drink?" The waiter asked. We looked over at each other before explaining that we weren't together in unison. I ordered water and herbal tea without sugar, he order an alcohol free beer. "How you been?" I decided to be the mature one and speak. He just nodded and said fine. "Does it really have to be like this between us?" The waiter came with our drinks. He just looked at me. It was uncomfortable. "I don't know how to act around you, and you only got yourself to blame for that." I sighed, he was being hard. "Can't we just move on, forget about all the stupid things we did in the past. I regret ever changing our relationship. Still doesn't mean we can't be friends. I miss you, you know. You're a great friend." I think he felt bad, he looked away.

We weren't that cold anymore after that. There was still some resilience between us, it wasn't like we're all best friends again. "We should get the guys together and make some music." I smiled. "I would love that, but I got some solo stuff going on. the three of you should get together like I said. It would be like the old days before me." He shook his head. "We aren't a band without you." I smiled. I knew he was certain that I would release an album. He didn't know that I had it made at home; ready to be released when I wanted it. I wasn't sure how to break the news to him, that I was pregnant. We were getting along okay, we weren't screaming at each other, being sarcastic, spilling insults everywhere. "What's going on in your life?" I asked him, thinking it would be easier to tell him if he asked me the same. "Nah, you know. Taking care of my little boy and the wife." I could hardly hear the last part. "It's okay, you can talk about her. I told you that I wouldn't be mad if you chose her. I'm not going back on that." He smiled and looked down. "That's your problem; you hurt yourself so that other can feel better." Maybe he was right, but I couldn't see the problem. I wasn't worth anything, who cared if I was sad.

"I'm pregnant." He put down his glass. I was tired of trying to find the right moment to tell him. "Yeah, I figured when you took off your jacket." He just shrugged. That bastard. "And here I have been worried about how to tell you all the fucking time! You're an asshole." He froze, thinking I was genuinely mad at him. I laughed, he relaxed. "I was thinking it was better that I told you, than for you to hear it from someone else." He agreed on that and thanked me. "It's not like Sasuke have been giving me hints or like Nick drunk off his mind called and told me last week." I felt bad for him. "I'm sorry; I told them before I told you… Those bastards! I didn't mean for you to get to know it that way. It's not, it's not what I planned." He told me it was fine, he was happy for me. I didn't know that he had broken down that night and cried like a child. I didn't know he had gone out and gotten drunk to swallow that sadness. I didn't know he still cared that much about me.

He put his hand over mine. "I'm really happy for you, you're with a man that loves you, you're having a child, you have great friends to support you, I know Nick and Sasuke would do anything to help you. Don't bother spending your time on me. I'm not worth it. Don't let me be a part of your life. I'll only hurt you." He got up and left. Wishing me good luck on becoming a mother. I didn't know why he had done that, what had changed the mood so drastically. We had split the bill so I got up and left too. I ran after him. He was gone. I was standing there alone on the street. Touched my hand where he had touched it. I missed him, I missed talking to him, I missed his bad jokes, I missed spending the night with him. We couldn't do that anymore. He was married, he had a child, I was going to have one.

I had to realize that I had lost him. That we were over, we were done. I had thrown him all away when I decided to have an affair with him. We were over. I had ruined everything. I was in tears as I walked home. Took all the back roads so that people wouldn't see me. I bet they still did. I couldn't help crying over a lost friend, over lost love.


	31. More than His Wife

He had rarely ever spoken about her, nothing like now. I can see why people make jokes about him loving her more than his wife. I can see the truth lying behind the joke too.

"Have you ever met someone you just had to know?"

I asked him to explain what he meant by that.

"I knew from the first time I saw her that she wasn't like everyone else, I had to talk to her, I had to have her. She doesn't even remember the first time we met. She thinks she does, but she doesn't." He mumbles the last part and looks down. Maybe his ego is hurt by her not remembering.

"_So when did you two meet for the first time?" _

"In L.A. I was visiting Nick, she was pretty drunk. I felt a connection; I felt something I've never felt since. It's only with her; she has some strange power over me. I can't explain it, she understands me like no one else can. I would call it love if I was stupid." He's still looked down on the floor, still speaking with a muffled voice. "We got pretty close, she would do whatever you wanted. She might argue, but she would still do it. That's how she is when she's drunk. She never cares about her own feelings. She never wants to hurt anyone." He doesn't want to speak more about it. He needs more time. I need to ease him up.

"_What do you feel about her now, how is your relationship?" _

"It's shit man, she can't stand me it feels like. She turned me down when I wanted to do a new record. Said she was in the making of one herself. I highly doubt it, but she said we could make one without her. We're going to wait and see what she ends up doing before we do anything. We want her with us, she's a part of the band too."

"_How was it like first having her in the band?" _

"It was odd, but so great. I felt threatened; she's a much better songwriter than me. I was afraid they would prefer her over me. She sings like an angel too, she's perfect. Even with all that going on I needed to have her with us, I didn't ask the rest of the boys like I've told others. It wasn't something we agreed on. She was in, or I was out. I don't think she would have joined if she knew that."

"_Is it true that she's the reason the band split?" _

"No, no. She kept us together more than anything. We wouldn't have made it to the second album without her. We blamed her for everything. If Nick and Sasuke had a misunderstanding, she was blamed for being sick and not eating. If I got mad at Nick, we'd blame it on her showing up drunk to shows. No matter what it was, she would end up getting the blame. We weren't fair to her. We were never nice enough. We broke her down. Every time I had slept with her, I would call the guys together and tell them everything. I gave the night a grade, and they would too from what they heard. I made it my personal goal to get her to bed after she got engaged. I even have everything written down in a book at home."

He hid his head behind his head and shook it. He was ashamed of this. It's not up to me to judge him; I'm just here to get answers and information.

"We treated her like nothing, still she did everything she could to help us."

"_Is it true that one of the songs on your solo album is about her?"_

He nodded; he would always refuse to answer this question. "I did it mostly to get a reaction out of her. It was the last time I spoke to her, it's about two months ago. I could hear her crying. I didn't hang up because I'm used to her calling me up just crying, then she asked me if that was really what I thought about her? _She sold her soul so she could make a living; she didn't have one so she sold her body instead. _So her to look at the one bad thing. We met up that day, hadn't seen her in ages. She looked happy." He started mumbling again, the last part was almost a low whisper.

"_So you're not talking?"_

"We all do talk to her. We just never get a response."

"_She is the one refusing to talk to you?" _

"Pretty much, I understand her. I've acted like an asshole when she tried to make up. I keep updated reading interviews and so on, but I know they are never totally true. What I do know is that she's had some major issues in her relationship."

"_Major issues, like what? Do you think she'll be single in not too long?"_

"The cheating." He just nods his head.

"_With you?"_

"Mostly." He leaned back in his chair now, more comfortable, or he's just tired. They both share that, always working themselves to the limit and just a little bit past that. "I feel like I created her. When I met her she was so nice and sweet, she was happy. Now, look at her. She's a recovering alcoholic and drug addict; god knows how many times she has cheated on her husband."

"_Is she depressed? Did she ever try to kill herself?"_

"Numerous of times. She was so far down, I don't blame her. I had to watch her all the time. I never told the guys, only I knew she was capable of doing it. I've stopped her many times, you… You can never know how much it hurts, it hurt so much that I loved her and all she wanted was to die. She would have a knife to her throat; I didn't know what to do. I've had to keep her up because she'd taken so many pills on purpose that I was scared that she would never wake up if she fell asleep. Not a day goes by where I'm happy that she hadn't overdosed, that she hadn't starved herself to death, that she hadn't killed herself, then I would worry about the next day. I cherish every single day I get with her. Talking together or not."

"_Why didn't you get her to a hospital?" _

He mutters something about them not being able to help her the first time.

"_When you were recording the second record, the first with her." _

This time he gives me a simple yes.

"_She was, excuse me for not having any better way of putting this, out of control at the time. She went missing, out partying when you were releasing to CD, she overdosed, she starts dating this nobody she seemed to pick up off the streets. She's still with him, who is this guy? How hard does she party to go missing for several days, at such an important time! She missed the release of her first CD because she was too drunk to show up." _

I was almost afraid he would attach me, throw me a punch. "You don't know anything, it's nothing like that. She never wanted to be gone, and Deidara is the nicest guy you'll ever meet. Too bad I'm nothing like him."

"_What do you mean? Never wanted to be gone? You know the story, what she was up to?" _

He says yeah again. Not wanting to talk much. The takes a sip of water, not sure to add something to his statement or not. "She was raped."

"_You mean, she was drunk and someone took advantage of her?" _

"No, I'm talking someone slipping drugs in her drink. Snatching her up and letting four other guys have their way with her. She was never the same after that."

"_I… Eh… Is this true, because it's been said that she was out partying. She's never denied that." _

"She's never talked about it. How would you feel if five guys raped you, but you have no idea what happened. Maybe I shouldn't have said this, maybe it's not what she wanted, but the world needs to know this. She's not a drunk, she's an abused, fragile person with feelings."

"_Then why did you say that, to get another reaction from her?" _

"Because I'm fucking tired of assholes like you always assuming the worst about her. She's delicate and elegant."

"_I'm sorry." I tried to calm him down; I felt that he was mad enough at me as it was. _

"She's a great girl, she's more than just the alcohol and the drugs she has taken. She's actually a very caring and sensitive person."

"_Do you worry more about her than your wife?" _

"What kind of question is that? I have no reason to worry about my wife."

_I decided to make a go for it. I have pissed him off severely, I was just going to keep pushing on the personal questions until he got mad and left. "How was it like having an affair with her, Ino?"_

"I don't know how to answer that. She's so complex, it was very hard."

"_So why did you stick with her? The sex must have been amazing!" _

He smiles now, maybe reliving some old memories. "What is it to you really? It's my sex life."

"_I just wanted to know how having sex with her is like. All the fans are dying to know about your dirty little affair." _

"It was pretty dirty, yeah. Never made a girl scream like that, and we were both so horny all the time. Fucking all the time, I almost had to start taking drugs to give her what she wanted. Is that what you wanted me to say?"

"_No, I just wanted to know how it was." _

"Fuck you man, fuck this."

"_Are you mad at me? Because I can change the questions." _

"No, I mean yes. People take advantage of me all the time. I answer questions I shouldn't and then you take everything I say out of context."

"_Do you regret anything you've said today?" _

"I won't know before it's released. I'll be sitting by the phone, waiting for people to call and yell at me. The lady might beat the crap out of me when she reads it, maybe ground me, and take away my TV privileges. Ino will be raging, or crying, she's really good at doing both at the same time too."

"_Is everything good between you and your wife?"_

"Yeah," He looks over at his phone. Looks surprised or even worried. "I have to go now, something came up, or is coming out." He doesn't even take the time to tell me bye, he just runs out of the room. He's gone when I walk out the door.


	32. Fabriola

I woke up to the interview. He had told, he had told them too much. I've never said he could tell them about the rape, I've never said he could talk about the affair. I was so mad at him, not that I could worry about that when I was holding my daughter. We decided to name her Fabriola Aldornia.

I think I was truly happy for the first time in years. I didn't know that a child could make me so happy; that I would be so glad I had a child. Deidara was with me when I was awake. I didn't want anybody else around. I was too tired. Only once before had I been close to this tired. I was out of the hospital in three days. They wanted to make sure everything was okay with me and the child. They couldn't find anything wrong, no complications. It seemed like they almost wanted to find something, putting me through every thinkable test. Even mental tests, nothing wrong. My life felt complete, I had a family, I had a safe place to live, I had friends and maybe most important of all I didn't have Jules.

"I went to see him two months ago." I hadn't told him this earlier. It felt safer saying having a child in my arms. She was great for a lot of things. She really was the perfect child, she didn't cry much, she didn't complain much, and she was so adorable. "You did what? Didn't we agree on you not seeing him?" I nodded. "I told him that we were going to have a child, that's why. He told me not to see him anymore, he isn't worth it. I think he's right on this one thing." Deidara smiled. I think he needed to hear this. That I had ended things, that I didn't plan on going back to him.

I didn't stick with the plan. I had just bumped into him really. I had been out shopping and decided to get lunch. He was there with a friend I hadn't seen before. He was the one who invited me to sit with them, turning them down I felt would have been rude. Jules introduced me to his friend as Hidan. He had gray hair, I could tell it was dyed. It was an odd thing to do, but I guess I'm used to odd people. He didn't seem like the clean type and I instantly didn't like him. I wouldn't let it show and acted kind. He told me that he had been helping Jules with some stuff. I wanted to ask him if it was providing him with drugs. Jules didn't say much. He just ate, let us do the talking. Why did he want me here if he wasn't going to talk?

I leaned over and sort of gave him an awkward hug. He tensed. I was going to be mad at him about the interview I remembered, but I just couldn't. He had said a lot of nice things too. I think Deidara was the one who was most upset about it. "How you been Jules? You're being awfully quiet; one might think you're planning something." He just smiled. "My little boy called me daddy today. And he called the TV daddy, and the frying pan…" He slowly laughed. He was high on heroin I could tell. I didn't know what to do, but now I knew why he was so quiet. I suddenly lost my appetite.

It took some work, but I finally lost this Hidan type, what a creep. He had slapped my butt, really who does that? I had just met the guy. I didn't know what to do with Jules. I couldn't take him back to his wife and kids, I couldn't take him with me home. I checked in on a hotel, called Deidara and said I had met an old friend and would be home in not too long. Told him not to worry about dinner, we both knew I wouldn't be home soon. I wanted to go home, but I knew Jules needed me right now. I owed him that right? Who cared that I had a two months old baby at home.

Jules went over to the minibar, drank some before I was able to stop him. Then he took notice of the bed when he stumbled over it. He landed on his back and started unzipping his pants. I had to stop him again; he looked at me with confusion in his eyes. "We're not doing that, I'm done with that." He sighed. He had planned on getting some. "I only took you here because I feel bad for your family. Do you really want your child to see you drunk and high on drugs, it's not even one in the afternoon!" He didn't say anything, just closed his eyes. Took up another mini bottle and drank it all in one. "You were doing so good…" He threw the bottle on the floor. "You're good in bed." I would let it slip. He wasn't healthy.

I got him to bed, had to lie down next to him and hug him until he fell asleep. I sent his wife a text saying that he, or "I" also had meet some old friends and wasn't sure when I would be back home. I even added love you in the end. I took his phone to look through all his messages, or was it so I would have a reason to meet up with him again. I think it was both. Not that I could get in touch with him without him having his phone. I would have to figure something out. Right now I just wanted to be gone when he woke up.

I took a cab home. Who would have guessed that I would have missed my little family that much after being gone just a few hours. I confessed to Deidara, that the old friend had been Jules. I didn't want to keep any secrets. He told me that he was worried; worried that I would keep seeing him more often and things would develop. I promised that they wouldn't. It would turn out to be a lie.

We would be on speaking terms for half a year, then we would be friends and meet often for a year, then we would start an affair. It wasn't anything big in the start. It was once a month or something. Deidara didn't suspect a thing. Fabriola was talking short sentences and running around. She was smart for her age, she really was. She was adorable, that's why I felt sick to my stomach every time I saw her after being with Jules. Deidara, it was hard but I had done it so many times before. I was used to it, it wasn't something new. I kept telling Jules we had to stop, we had to go back to just being friends.

I kept telling him that for over half a year, then we had a fall out. We had started working on a new CD. I was pregnant again, but I hadn't told anybody. Jules had just started using regularly again. Nick had been for quite a while and was destroyed by that. Sasuke, well he was the good one. None of us were really in for it. We just did it because we had a contract. Jules became unreliable; Nick had to take time off to go to rehab.

It was late one night. I had been out eating with Sasuke. I was upset; the media was blowing up this big love affair between Jules and me. There was one, but nobody knew a thing about it and it had ended now. They had found proof in the strangest things. None of it was true, that we checked in to hotels together, that we really hadn't started working on the new album, me and Jules had just gotten the studio so we would have a place to meet. Sasuke told me not to worry about it. I did. Deidara couldn't stand it, he knew that it could be true that I was having an affair with Jules. I had to tell Jules that we had to stop meeting. If not forever, just until the whole us being together thing blew off. He would understand. I had a growing family I had to think off.

I had said goodbye to Sasuke and decided to walk home. I needed the fresh air, and it wasn't too late. It was dark, but I had never really been scared of the dark. I called up Jules. "Hey, it's me. – Yeah, it's your sugar bunny… what is up with that name? – because I'm sweet and cute like a bunny, that's the worst thing I've ever heard!" I said I would have to call him back. Somebody had something cold pressed against my neck. I held my arms out, thinking I was being robbed. He, she or they probably wanted my phone. I was trying not to have an anxiety attack, focused on breathing.

"So you think you can just come and take him again? You're a whore and you disgust me. He doesn't love you." It was a girl, I could tell from the voice. She was upset and I had no idea what she was talking about. She pressed me towards an alley. Having the gun to my neck I picked up on what she wanted and walked into it. She was following behind. She called someone on the phone, saying she had me and that they could come. I started crying, this wasn't a robbery. "Please, what do you want?" The gun was shaking. "Shut up! I want you dead!" I had never been so scared in my life.

Three others showed up, I couldn't see them it was too dark. One of them had a baseball bat. She was slamming on the palm of her hand. The sound traveled through the alley and bounced off the walls. Nobody was walking past, I could see over my shoulder that they had someone looking out. They wouldn't get caught unless they wanted to. I was trapped; I had no one to help me. "I'll give you whatever you want, just don't hurt me!" I was begging, it didn't help. Someone punched me in the face. Someone else punched me in the left shoulder. I couldn't see them, I didn't know where they were coming from. I was too scared to recognize the pain. I tried to make a run for it. The first girl didn't have a gun. It was just a metal pipe.

It didn't take long before they stopped me. One of them jumped on me, we fell on the ground. Me, face first on the bottom. She took a hold of my hair. Pushed my head up. "Don't you ever try to run away, bitch." She slammed my face back on the ground. Warm liquid was pouring out of my nose. I just wanted this to end, I just wanted to be home. The girl spat on me, it was humiliating. How had I let this happen, why would they do this to me? What had I ever done them. "If you want money, you can have them. Just don't hurt me, I'm pregnant!" I tried pleading again. "We don't want your filthy prostitution money!" One of them yelled. The girl on top of me got off. "So you would have a problem with me doing this?" She tipped me over to the side and tapped her foot against my stomach. I cried loudly and curled together.

"We've hated you ever since you joined the band!" Was this why they were hurting me? "Remember that time you horny whore wanted to have sex?" I didn't answer her. "Jules had taken me back to his home, then you showed up and he ran off with you. No good whore, you had a man!" I could hardly remember that night, he had just broken up with his girlfriend. I wasn't going out with Deidara at that time. I told them, they kicked me in the back. "That night you fucked his best friend, he had taken me and someone else to his room. All he talked about was you, we didn't even sleep together. You did his best friend, we could hear you! You made him cry!" I was kicked again.

"I'll make it up to you all, I'll stop seeing him!" They just laughed. A phone called. I didn't hear what was said, it was for the guard. "Someone is coming some blocks away. I would say we have about three minutes." That meant that they had several guards. I didn't have much time to think about it. All hell broke loose. I was kicked from every angle. I couldn't protect myself; I tried to protect my stomach. I black out.

I was moving when I woke up again, I wasn't scared. I could hear Sasuke calling my name in the background. He was the one who came for me. I was finally able to open my eyes.


	33. No Happy Ending

Sasuke was holding my hand, running his other hand through my hair. I could tell my hair was wet from my blood. I could hear him talking in the background. I didn't listen to him, blocked it out. I was looking at the stars. I slowly lifted my hand, pulled his jacket and pointed up. "They're beautiful. He said that I'm his star, always in his heart. He's in mine too." I wasn't making sense to him. I could hear an ambulance coming. It was coming for me. Sasuke came with. He wouldn't leave me alone, and I didn't want him to. I was scared when he let go of my hand. I was scared when I was alone.

I woke up in the hospital. Didn't remember when I passed out. Sasuke was sitting in a chair next to the bed. He was the only one there. It was light outside. I was scared again, reached for his arm. "I'm scared." He took my hand, it felt better. "I couldn't get in touch with Deidara, he wouldn't pick up." I told him it was okay if wouldn't leave me. Every fiber of my body was hurting. Everything felt sore. "I'll stay, don't worry. I'll stay." And he did, he stayed with me for hours. He was with me when I cried because my baby was gone, he was with me when the police came asking me hard questions, he was with me when somehow an journalist had found his way to my room.

"I understand if you want to go home to your family." He told me not to worry; he would be home soon enough. He was so kind, and talkative. It was a good change, I think I needed that. Later that day Nick called, I had Sasuke answer it. The whole thing had made it to some webpage; Nick had to see if it was true. It was, he wished he could be there. He was still in rehab. "Do you think I should tell Jules too?" Sasuke put down the phone. "I think you should do what you feel is right." I nodded, but I wasn't sure what to do. "You know he's started using again?" Sasuke looked out the window. "I think some part of me knew, it's just so hard following you three. You're all throwing away everything." He was right. "Nick on drugs, Jules on drugs and alcohol and you… You're addicted to Jules, to messing up every good thing you have in your life." There was a silence. "I'm sorry; this is a terrible time to be saying this." I started laughing. "No, it's just what I needed!"

Around the evening Deidara finally showed up. He was acting strange; I knew something else was up. I couldn't help but to wonder where he had been. Sasuke asked several times if it was okay that he went home, it was. I thanked him for everything he had done. Deidara hardly spoke, just a few words. I felt that I needed to be mad at him, so I didn't mind. I wanted to call Jules right in front of him. Just to show him what I could do, but I think he knew that. I didn't know where all this anger was coming from. I hadn't been mad at him when I had left, he hadn't said or done anything to make me upset. "Remember the girl you thought I cheated on you with?" The New Year Eve girl, I still remembered her. "I spent last night with her; I was so sure you didn't come home because you had gone to him." I just nodded. "You can go; I need some time to think." He didn't argue, he just left as I had asked him to. I did need some time.

I knew I had done the same to him, several times. It's just that he wasn't supposed to do things like this. It was my job, he was the forgiving one.

That was the start of our real downfall. I think we both had affairs going on. We were both sneaking out. I think we would have kept on like this if it hadn't been for Fabriola, three years at the time. She had asked Nick why her mom and dad didn't love each other. I laughed it off at first, then she asked daddy and mommy hurt each other. It was heartbreaking. It really was, we were supposed to be a good example for her, and we were supposed to love each other. If not we shouldn't be so cold towards each other. I decided to come clean, that I had been seeing Jules behind his back, and a bartender I had met. He confessed that he had been seeing New Year Girl. We agreed to sort out our relationship and stop the cheating. If not for each other, than for our daughter. If it didn't work out, we would end our relationship.

It worked out I think. We got married. The contract said that we were free to file a divorce if any of us cheated. I think we fell in love again. We didn't need anyone else. We tried getting pregnant. It didn't seem to work out that great. I still hadn't gotten over the loss of the other one. I was still terrified to go out alone. Those girls were still out there. Jules had been furious when he had found out why they had attacked me. It made me feel safe with him; he would protect me if anything happened. I was sure Deidara would do the same, he just hadn't told me.

As Fabriola was getting older, we decided to move to a bigger place. We ended up in the same street as Sasuke. That turned out to be a great thing. If we needed a night alone we would drop off Fabriola with him. She loved her uncle, so it was okay. Sadly it also worked the other way around, and Sasuke had twins. Fabriola didn't like them too much. They were older than her, but they weren't any smarter than her. She was so much like her dad, more or less a copy I would say. Just that she was a bit feisty, that she had clearly gotten from me.

I hardly spoke with Jules anymore; it was a big city so I hardly saw him either. I didn't mind. It was for the best. No temptation. Nick had gotten a serious girlfriend, Sasuke was luckily married, and I was planning to be the same, luckily married. I'm not going to be disgusting and say I loved Deidara more for every day that went by and so on. We just worked together like we never had done. We were happy, Fabriola was happy, we were a happy family. I thought I was strong, I thought I could handle anything. I had a drink.

One drink turned into two, and two turned into a bottle. I didn't have control. I was drunk; I was scared to go home. I giggled. I was like a schoolgirl scared that her daddy might catch her red-handed. I did the only thing that sounded right in my mind. I called Jules. I didn't book a room for the night, I didn't call Nick or Sasuke, I called my personal devil. He came and picked me up. Helped me walk home to his place. I didn't know if his wife and child were there. I think I was too drunk to care. He took me to his studio. Smart thinking. That room was sound proof, maybe his wife was there. Kinky.

He sat me down on the couch he had there, he placed himself next to me. I started kissing his neck. He pushed me off. If he didn't want me to he would have left. "Let's make up for the time we have lost playing family." He didn't look at me, I felt like I had to do something big. "We shouldn't do anything, Ino?" I unzipped his pants. I went down on him. His hand on the back of my head told me to keep going, not stopping. I knew his body would deceive him when he knew in his mind this was wrong, because it was. He was sober, I could blame this on him. I wouldn't, we both wanted this. We couldn't deny it. I couldn't let him go, but I couldn't be with him. It was the saddest love story to ever happen. This was love, this was love that would never work, would never have a happy ending. If we let it, it would destroy us both.

I was letting it. He would sneak me out in the morning. Before anybody in the house woke up. It worked, I was in and out. I had no explanation for Deidara. That was the only problem. I would say I had been at Nick's place watching movies. We had fallen asleep. I ran to the bathroom to wash away the smell of alcohol. He had given me a stern look, I told him a lie. He wasn't sure if he should buy it or not. I got mad, screamed at him that he could call Nick himself if he didn't trust me. This was our first fight in ages. Fabriola started crying. I ran out. My hangover was killing me. I regretted last night so much. I felt sick when I remember what I had done. Dirty, dirty slut. I didn't want to go far alone, even if it was morning.

I went to Sasuke. Told him I had a fight with Deidara, didn't want to tell him why. Didn't want to do that to him, it wasn't fair. I stayed there for about an hour. His wife made us breakfast. She's adorable, she's everything a good wife and mother should be. So unlike me. I thanked them and decided to meet my faith. On the short walk over I had got worried, what if he had called Nick. I should find a better cover up next time. Wait there shouldn't be a next time. I shouldn't even have had something to end in the first place.

That wasn't the story. I ended up making it a weekly thing, getting drunk and hooking up with Jules. I wasn't an alcoholic or anything. Not to the degree I had been. I just drank once in a while. I think Deidara knew something was up, but he was letting it slip. I think he had given up on us. Or given up on me ever stop seeing Jules. I could understand him. I knew he sometimes had New Year Girl over when I was gone. I had found her underwear several times. We were having this silent deal about having an open relationship. I had just come home from Jules. New Year Girl was still there. I could hear them doing it. I didn't know what to do. I felt so out of place. Fabriola was sitting alone in front of the TV watching some cartoons. I signaled for her to be quiet and took her out without telling Deidara a thing. He was too busy with other things.

I had scared him taking Fabriola like that. I wanted to tell him that it was because he was cheating on her mother so that she could hear it. I didn't. I just sat there. Let him yell.

Our relationship was winding up. It was no secret. Our arguments got louder, more heated. We both threatened to walk out. None of us did. We were sticking together for Fabriola's sake, but we were doing more damage to her by doing this. "Why do you always smell like uncle Jules?" She had asked me while we were playing. "I don't do that." She brushed the hair of her doll. "Is it because you and dad is always yelling?" I told her that that's what grown-ups do. She told me off, Sasuke never argued with his wife. She started crying. "Why do you go to uncle Jules all the time, don't you love me and daddy?" I didn't even know she knew where I went. I cried with her.

That was the day I ended things with Jules. We met for dinner. He was upset, but he could understand. He would let me go. He had been feeling bad about the whole thing himself when he was with his son. Not that his son even knew he was screwing someone else than his mother when he was sleeping. We parted as friends this time, even if we both knew we couldn't be.

I was going to stop this. I was going to stop seeing Jules, I was going to stop drinking again. I had a family to take care of. I was going to make it all good again.


	34. Everything Changes Sometimes

I bended over. I had never quite felt anything like this. It hurt more than anything I have experienced. I didn't care that I was sobbing. I had ended things with Jules, but still Deidara had asked for a divorce. I knew that he loved me; he did this for our child. It wasn't good for her having a mother like me.

"_I know you're saying you ended it. How can I trust you? How many times haven't I heard this?" _

_I knew he was right so I just looked out the window empty for words to say. _

"_She know that something is wrong."_

"_Don't you think I know that? Fabriola came up to me crying, asking why I went to uncle Jules all the time. She knew I did bad things there, she just wanted her mummy. She wants her mother to love her; I haven't been a good mother. I want to start now! I have ended things with him for good now! It's the last time, I promise! It's different!" _

_He just shook his head. "I want a divorce, and custody of Fabriola." _

_I protested. "You can't do that! She needs me, I need you, and I need her! Please don't do this to me!" I knew he would win. I knew I didn't have a chance. "Please, I'll get clean, I've been clean for two weeks now. I'll get admitted, I'll do anything. Just don't take away my child!" I was crying. I couldn't handle losing everything._

"_It's too late; You'll bounce right back the same moment I forgive you! I've given you enough time for all that, I've tried too many times with you."_

This was how I had ended up here, with a ticket for France in my hand. I was going to quit the cheating, the drinking and the drugs even if I had lost everything that ever mattered to me. I wasn't going to give up. This just meant that I had to work to get it back. I was going to go and see Naruto. I was going to ask him for help, I was just hoping he would help me like I had helped him. If not, I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I hadn't spoken to him in years, maybe he had forgotten about it, forgotten about me. I bought a packet of cigarettes; I could smoke now that I didn't have a child around. I could feel everybody's eyes on me. If it was because I was who I am, or if I was crying I didn't know. I knew it wasn't long before pictures of me crying would be all over the internet. I hoped I would be out of the country at that time.

My tears had stopped falling by now and I went inside. People were starting to gather around the gate. I could hear French all around me, but this time it brought me some comfort. It didn't remind me of all the bad times, everything that happened in my childhood. I couldn't help but to wipe away the last couple of tears. I smiled at everybody around me. We could board the plane soon. The tax-free lady came, handing out cigarettes and bottles to those who had bought it. I would buy some when I got to France. I didn't bother right now. The lady went away and some people started getting impatient. The speaker told everyone with the seat number from 60 to 46 to start boarding. I had seat number 16; I would be one of the last ones to enter. I didn't bother me. I was feeling rather empty, a comfortable numbness. It felt good running away. Let no one know where I was. They deserved it.

I spent most of the flight writing, I had decided to write a book, I had decided to find something to make me busy. I needed busy now, I couldn't do drugs anymore. I couldn't drink anymore. I was going to stop, change my life for the better.

Naruto hadn't turned me away, I think he was bothered. I should have called before I left America. It was two in the morning when I landed. He had been sleeping I think. I had said I could book a hotel. I knew with myself that it wouldn't have ended well, but I offered. He told me he would pick me up; he would call when he got there. All I could do was wait, maybe write some more.

It didn't take long before he got there. Traffic isn't that bad at night. He looked tired; I walked over and hugged him. Told him I was sorry, sorry that I showed up like this, sorry that I hadn't kept contact with him. He told me not to worry about it. He owed me one, just like I had thought. I got in the car, cried silently. "I'm not going to ask you about it. If you want to tell me, I'm here." I took off my wedding ring. He looked over at me, nodding. He still had his; I'm guessing his marriage had made it. I was happy for him; he was a great guy and deserved to be happy.

He showed me to a guest bed. He would show me around the house next morning; right now we would just sleep. He was tired, I wasn't too tired. It would take a long while before I fell asleep. I tried not thinking about all the bad things going on. I was exhausted mentally and physically. I had hit the wall, I couldn't do anything. I felt bad all the time, I felt horrible. Horrible that I couldn't do anything about it. All I could do was to try and wait it out.

I had started working up an appetite again, but I would always end up throwing it up again. The acid burned in the back of my throat, the tears running down my face like racehorses. I had met his wife, she seemed nice. Sakura, she had pink hair. That's what I noticed about her. She used to be a nurse, now she stayed at home with their child. She didn't seem to mind me staying there. I was the fucked up drug addicted friend of her husband. Nothing less, nothing more.

I let go of my hair when I was done throwing up. Walked over to the sink and washed my face. She was standing in the doorway watching me like Deidara used to do. "I was bulimic once too, there was this girl I used to look up to. She was skinny, had big eyes, long blond hair, tall, long legs. She was the definition of pretty. She was girly but at the same time one of the guys. All the girls wanted to be her, all the boys wanted to be with her. Me, I was forehead girl. Thinking everybody would love me like her if I just stuck my finger in the back of my throat and threw up." I couldn't believe this. "Sakura, Sakura Haruno!"

It couldn't be, I knew that girl. She had been my best friend, she stopped being so around the time I started having severe problems at home. The time I needed her the most. She left me because I had slept with my brother's friend, her crush. That was the story; I never got the chance to tell her what really happened. She never gave me the chance.

"I can tell you that it feels really good being on the other side, but I can't help feeling sorry for you." Maybe she was right, maybe she was the one who truly had it all, while I had nothing. I did have nothing, she had a family, and she had the one she loved. "It wasn't like you think it was. You never let me tell you, I never told you how I had it. I wasn't the one everybody wanted to be, not if they had known." I broke down crying. she sat down next to me. Hugging me, patting my back. "I know, I know now. Naruto told me everything you told him, I'm sorry for you." I shook my head. "No, I managed that. I could deal with that. I lost my best friend because I was raped! You would never listen to me!" She was crying with me now. It's funny how it still made us cry. Something that had happened ages ago.

I started thinking about all those days I spent at her house, scared that my mom would beat me when I came home. She would have been madder if I had been there the whole day. How her mother was more like a mother to me than my real one. How I could go to them for advice, but I never told them how it was at home. I loved feeling better than Sakura, I was prettier than her, I was more well-liked than her, it was something I could be proud of. She adored me, I adored having her do so. Then the day came out, he had told everyone how easy I was. That he hadn't even needed to ask me out. I just lay down straight on my back. I had been so wild, loving how he felt inside of me. I had thrown up that day too, behind the school. Kiba, one of my other friends, had seen me, he had made a smart comment on how I might be pregnant. He was the only one I told. He was the only one who knew everything; he became my new best friend. He would never been the same as Sakura, but he would be my first boyfriend, the first boy I might have loved.

"Do you think it's ever going to be okay?" She patted my head now. "Yes, you're Ino. Nothing stops you, no one can stop you. This is just a punch in the stomach, you'll blow back soon." I laughed. I had missed her. "I'm sorry about what happened between us, I'm sorry I ever hurt you." She shushed me. "I don't want you to talk about it. I started the whole thing, I wasn't a good friend, Ino. I was a horrible friend and person, I turned my back on you when you needed me more than ever." I continued crying, but broke off the hug and looked at her. "I need someone now, more than I did back then. I'm getting divorced and he's taking my daughter! I've destroyed my family, a family that's all I ever wanted. I'm a terrible mother, just like mine was. I'm worse than her! I'm just a drug addicted whore! I'm a no good whore that nobody likes!"

She told me I was wrong, we made tea. The smell of licorice was making me sick again. I ran to the bathroom. That's when I did it, I found a scissor, I cut up my leg. Taped some paper and cotton to it so that it wouldn't bleed through my pants. It made me feel better, more calm and relaxed. I didn't have my drugs to do that anymore. I needed something new.


	35. Wish We Had a Child

My hair was damp sticking to my face. I let out a final moan as this man slid off me. I had done this sober, it was the first time I've ever gone home with a stranger. I had gone to a bar, pretended to be slightly drunk and gone home with the first and best offer. The guy next to me wanted to cuddle, wanted to sleep with me next to him. I couldn't do that, I wouldn't do that. I told him I had to go home, got dressed and did just that. When I had closed the door to my room I did the strangest thing. I rolled up my sleeve and bit my arm. It hurt, but it wasn't enough to make me bleed. I just needed the pain, so it wasn't a problem.

I would keep up this pattern. Sleeping with strangers, hurt myself, call Deidara begging him to take me back. I was dulling the pain with sex. It work somehow for a while, then I started showing. Nobody wanted to get involved with a pregnant woman. Sakura went with me to the hospital. I had rented a place close to them. They had been great; I had gotten close with Sakura. We had picked up where we had left our friendship so many years ago. She was like a mother to me in some way too. Not in a weird twisted mentally disturbed way. No, she just took care of me. She actually cared about me, not expecting anything in return. I gave her what I had been so afraid of giving to anyone since I got hurt, I gave her my trust.

I had been constantly sick since I had gotten pregnant. It was nothing like last time. I was throwing up several times, I was sensitive to smell, and I was constantly hungry. I ate often, scared senseless that I was going to become fat. Last time I had bounced back in a matter of months. Now I was bigger than I ever had been, I was expecting twins. The media had picked up. Posting anything they could find on me. Me walking home in the middle of the night or even morning often seemed like a good thing to write. Writing that I had no idea who the father was because I had been sleeping with every guy in Paris sold even more. I knew that it was Deidra's children. It was no doubt in my mind. Alexei and Anastasia. Call me a sucker for Russian history. On the list of people who called me to congratulate two names were missing, Jules and Deidara.

My solo album was released on the same day I gave birth. It was simply named Future. I have had it for ages; I just hadn't done anything with it. Jules had gotten a copy. He was the only one who had. He had also released his album. Unlike me he was really trying to make it. Advertising, performances on TV, commercials, a big ass tour. I had nothing, people didn't know I was releasing it; I had a music video for each of the twelve songs, made in a better time. It was what I had wanted. I had used all my money I had left after buying the house. Well, most of my money. The rest was Deidara's money. I called the bank and made them transfer it. I would have to make it, or break it. I could live off what I had for top six months.

I wish Deidara would contact me. It wasn't acutely a secret that I had been pregnant. I had been huge as a house and the press seemed to feed on my misery and failed life. I just wanted him to call; I wanted to know that he cared; he knew that he most likely had become a father again. It might be why he wasn't calling. Because I hadn't told him it was his children. Maybe he thought it was Jules who was the father. I wrote him a letter telling him. Saying I missed him, I missed Fabriola. How hard it was without them, I never sent that part. It would be too much; he hated me and didn't want me back. We were over, I had lost my daughter, and all I had for company was the twins for now.

The record sales went through the roof. I think people responded to the "I'm not going to force you to buy this CD, because I don't really care," attitude I was giving. I had money again. I was satisfied. I hired a nanny, a male one. I was somehow thinking it would make up for them not having a father. Pieré was his name, just as French as he sounds, dark hair and big nose. He wasn't ugly, but I wasn't interested in him. He was a fulltime living with me. I wondered what would make a man want to do this with his life. I didn't ask, we were friends but very formal. I didn't mind, he seemed to like it that way. He was so sweet when he wanted. He gave me what I wanted, the nights off.

I had been telling myself I wouldn't do this. That I would be strong, that I was done. I couldn't help it. I couldn't resist. Jules was in town, promoting his second solo album. I beat him to it by two weeks. He was playing in a small bar the first night. I was dressed for a masked ball. That's where I had been. I had started drinking. I had control; I just got drunk at nights. Every night. The sound of my shoes bounced off the wall as I ran. Heels high enough to stab through a human body. The feathers on my white and royal blue mask blew in the wind as I ran holding up my ankle long satin also royal blue dress. Outside I bought a drunk girls ticket for 150 euro. It was overpriced, but I was desperate.

I stood in the back. Bought a beer, I'd never grown to like it. I just drank it. I was watching him onstage. He was closing his eyes as he sang, he had dyed his hair. It was almost black now, he had gotten somewhat a tan, not the gray-yellow drugie color. He was smiling, he was enjoying himself. Hips moving ever so slowly to the music. He didn't move much on stage, he only walked. I checked if my hair was okay, I had to put some of it up. I was hoping the curls hadn't fallen out. I had put it up for the night; still it reached to the end of my shoulder blades. I dropped my hand when we locked eyes. It seemed like he was going to stop singing. He didn't, he missed a line. That was all. He must have convinced himself that it wasn't me, regained his cool, I was still wearing my mask and people started looking.

I walked over to the bartender. Pulled off my dress, I hadn't planned on being at the ball all night anyway. Underneath the dress I was wearing skinny black jeans, a black blonde sweater and a loose fitting black top with killer cleavage. The diamonds underneath my breasts were sparkling in the poorly lit up room. I asked the female bartender if she minded watching my dress, she could keep it if I didn't come pick it up. She figured it was worth it. It was a designer dress; I had no idea who had made it. I had gotten it mailed to me. I liked it and wore it. I had forgotten about my mask, it still in front of my eyes. I think people were too drunk to wonder why I had it. They just liked it. I hadn't noticed how drunk everybody was. It must have been late.

It was confirmed, he did two more songs, thanked everyone for showing up. Threw something in the crowd, I couldn't make out what, and walked off stage. I knew he was backstage. Made my way through the crowd that was heading for the exit. A few girls were pestering the doorman protecting the door leading backstage. Hoping Jules would walk out and fall in love with just them. I walked up to the doorman, told him who I was and needed to go backstage. He laughed; it wasn't the first time he had heard that this night. I pulled down my mask and I showed him my ID. He still wasn't sure. He called up someone on his walkie-talkie. He got an answer, nodded and let me in. I entered a hallway. It was empty, I walked a few steps. Found a room with his name on, knocked on it. Empty. Empty like the beer bottles in front of his mirror, so much for sober. We were the same, pretending to be something we're not.

I decided to follow the sound instead. Knocked on a door, opened it. I found him, sitting on a ruby red couch drinking something clear. He was with his band and a few others; the only familiar face was Shikamaru. He must be Jules manager now that the band was on a break, or maybe he was just there. "Who ordered the striper?" what seemed to be the drummer yelled out. I pulled down my mask again, not sure why I had put it back on. I was drunk I didn't need a reason, like I didn't have a single good reason for being there right now. "Shut up and leave, everybody." Jules voice was low and mellow. The drummer muttered something about it not being fun that Jules got all of the action. Shikamaru smiled and said hello as he walked past me. Some of the others didn't even want to look at me; the rest eyed me up judging. I was told to close the door behind me. Jules seemed to be in a foul mood.

I was put back; I was so sure he was going to be happy to see me. That he had expected me and welcomed me with open arms. It was far from the case. This wasn't the plan. I looked around the room, the walls were red matching the couch, but one of them a creamy yellow. A plant was in the corner and on the walls faces of celebrities to have come by hung. Jules would soon be up there with them. I walked in front of him and sat down on the low coffee table. "What do you want?" he spat. A tear rolled down my face. His hard, drunk eyes warmed up. The tension was enough to kill; I held my hand over my heart. Crying loudly, he grabbed it. Tried to look me in the eyes. "I should have known you would come, this is your domain." I had to laugh. Sounded like Paris was mine and he had trespassed. "I needed to see a face I knew." He let go of my hand and leaned back. "How's life been treating you?" I snorted. "Like a baby bird. Everything good in my life has been chewed up and spat at me." He nodded. "How has it…? How have you… How's New York?" I rambled. He laughed. I was cracking. He had the upper hand. I felt left out and rejected. Like I wasn't good enough for him anymore. That's what the look he was giving told me.

It felt like my stomach was traveling up my throat being stopped by the desperate need to cry. I felt horrible, I just want to run, but then I look into his eyes. Then I'm pulled in and madly in love. I move, place my legs on each side of him. Grab his leather jacket. Pull him close, kiss him. He had been onstage, he was sweaty and dirty. I didn't mind, it made me think of the old days. I took off my black opera gloves and giggled. "I couldn't keep away, I had to see you." He smiles, our lips meet again. Never have I felt as lonely as I did in his lap right there and then. I wondered what I meant to him, what I meant to the world, would I be missed, no. I could just wander out in eternity without anybody noticing. I kiss his neck, trying to hide my face. I was shaking; he took it for something else. His hands slid under my sweater. Off my body it went.

I decided to give him what he wanted, as a desperate attempt to recreate the happier, but still shitty past. I pushed my hips against his groin, making friction. His hands going up and down my back pulled me closer now. He was ready, he knew what he wanted, knew what I was offering him. My bra fell off, the air was cold. Wet, sloppy drunken kisses everywhere, anywhere made it worse. I let out a moan, he grunted. I was still moving my hips. I pulled off his jacket, then shirt, skin against skin. I rested my forehead against his and looked him into his eyes. Desire, need, burning with lust is what I'd like to describe what I saw this time. I kissed him, he kissed back with force. He tried to open my pants, we were too close. I had to move back. My hair fell down my naked upper body, my lip-gloss all over him. He didn't pay attention; he wanted what was in my pants.

The drummer opened the door without warning. I was topless and facing the door. I screamed and tried to cover up. Jules didn't care; he just pushed me down on the couch. Wanted to get my pants off. "Shika wants to know if you're going to be long." Jules rolled his eyes. "It's not going to be too long, just need to be done here first." He was used to this. I wasn't the first girl to throw myself at him. I was just the first and best thing that came along. I didn't mean anything to him. What we were doing was just sex to him, our past didn't matter. I kicked him off and put on my top. That wasn't happening. "Ino, he's leaving. See? Get back here." Jules gave him a look of poison. He was out the door. "No! Because I don't mean anything to you! I'm just something you can shove your cock in!" Bad move, I touch the bulge in his pants. Why did I do that? "Which is overrated by the way, sex with you has never been good. It's just out and in!" He pulls me close. "Yes, I do sleep with a lot of girls. I can't even name two of their names. Only you, only you baby."

With those words he's granted permission to kiss me, nibble on my bottom lip, make me short of breath just by kissing. "Fuck you," I muttered. I wanted to walk out. I wanted to leave him. Most of all I wanted more to drink, wanted him. I picked up his glass, water. I smiled and put it down. Went over to the mini fridge. "Would you mind?" I pulled out a bottle of vodka. He didn't. He didn't say anything about me drinking. What if he hadn't been drinking? What if he wasn't the one who had finished off all those beer bottles?

I walked over and looked at him. His eyes were tired, gray and baggy. He looked sick. "Let's go home to my place," I grabbed his hand. He led us to the backdoor. There was a car waiting for him there. We got in, I gave directions. Jules leaned on my shoulder. No longer the cold insensitive man, but a scared kitten clinging to me. He didn't tell anyone where he was going, maybe he should have. I sent Shikamaru a text, hoped he hadn't changed his number. Said I was taking Jules to my place. He seemed pretty fucked up, if I needed to be worried and when he needed to be back. The response was simple; drugs, have him back at the hotel before six. Nothing about if I needed to worry. I pulled up his sleeves. Needle marks, red stars on the white sky.

I didn't feel comfortable doing this anymore. He didn't say anything, didn't care what I had seen. He just kissed me, his way of telling me it would all be fine. I didn't need to worry, but I did. We arrived. I thanked the driver and gave him whatever cash I had in my pocket, could have been a lot, and could have been close to nothing. I had to pull Jules with me. He didn't want to go out in the cold autumn air. He had to. I unlocked the door. The car drove away. Jules looked like he was about to die. I told him to be quiet. Didn't want the twins waking up. He begged me to see them. I didn't know if it was a good idea. I still led him to their room. Jules smiled brightly. "They're like just the same." He laughed and kissed me. Anastasia woke up. She didn't cry, she just lay there and kicked around. She reached out her arm, Jules poked it, she grabbed his finger. The smile on his face was the prettiest thing I had ever seen. "Wish we had a child together."


	36. I'm Off

He had just brought it to the next level. He knew that would never happen. There was no way that I was going to have a child with him. I didn't know how to respond, so I didn't. I just stood there. Frozen in time, frozen by words. "Do you want something to drink, coffee?" I had to break the silence. "Don't tell me you've never thought about it! If it was the two of us living here, with our own family!" This wasn't the right time for this. I wouldn't answer him. He sat down. Pulled out a zip lock bag. There he was. There the love of my life was sitting in my twins nursery, which I had with the other love of my life, doing heroin. I turned my back to him when the liquid traveled up the syringe. "I don't think you should be doing that." He laughed. "Like you don't drink, like you turn down other drugs when you're offered. Don't give me a lesson when you need it just as bad as me. If not worse." I didn't agree. "I'm not addicted! I can stop if I want too, if I need to." He snorted. "You're worse than me. I want orange juice."

We went downstairs. We didn't talk. He was slowing down. Eyes blurry. Just smiling. He was in his own little world. I couldn't help but to wonder how things were in his world. We sat down, he got his orange juice. I could tell he didn't want it anymore. He was taking small sips, eyeing me. I just waited until he was down. Downing some more booze, I couldn't deal with this sober. He was laughing at me. Looking around now. Dishes in the sink, some of the dinner still left on the stove. We share a joint he has. Joking around, having a happy buzz. "You're such a MILF!" I found that hilarious. I was scratching my back. He looked over at me again, smiles as he licks his lips, then he lunges for me. We tip over and the hit the ground. We laugh, it's the only thing. Our lips never met, but they do now that we were on the ground, in the dirt. I take him to my bedroom. I had been waiting for this the whole evening. The joint we shared made me almost changed my plans.

I let him undress me. He pulls off his own shirt himself. I open his pants; he kicks it off along with his socks. He wasn't wearing underwear, I'm still in mine. I lay down in bed. He climbs over me and lay down closest to the wall. We kiss and he puts his arms around me trying to remove my bra. I hug him, pull him closer. "You don't really want this." He looks up at me, confused. I put my hand on the back of his head; push it down so it's on my chest again. My chest becomes wet, he's crying. He's doing what I wanted him to. He's feeling, not lust nor anger. He's feeling the sorrow he's carrying inside. Not that I want him to be sad don't get me wrong, I just want him to feel it and not lock it inside. He's shaking. I kiss his hair; he's in need for a shower. That's not the important thing right now. He clings to me, as if I would slip from his embrace. It was tight; if I had sober it would have hurt. I'm not, so I'm fine. I don't feel the physical pain. "I think about us all the time! We both know it wouldn't work." He just kept sulking. I stayed up until he fell asleep and got some much needed sleep.

When I woke up my head was pounding. It felt like I was going to die, and I felt like dying when I remembered last night. I was alone in bed now. He must have skipped. The space next to me is still warm, maybe it had been the sound of him walking out that woke me up? I just laughed. We were just like that summer night we meet, he convinced me to have sex with him in the graveyard. I didn't want to, I thought it was horrible. It was just the start of not caring about my own feelings and morals. I just did what people asked me to. I did what he wanted, and that made me so happy. I wanted to feel that again, that's why I never turned anyone down, but I never felt like that night again. I felt so pretty and special when he begged me to keep on going on the back of Nick's truck. I was embarrassed because everybody was watching and cheering. When we were done I felt dirty and sick with myself. That's what I feel now, because now I know it was just for the sex he had said all those things. I asked Nick for his number, I had never done anything like that. I called several times, sent texts, but he never answered. Hell! I even went to see him when I was in New York! Sasuke answered the door. He told me he didn't do groupies twice. I hadn't even known he was in a band that time.

I looked over at my alarm clock, it read two. I moved to get up, but let out a loud scream of pain. I pulled off the covers. It was my arm; it was swollen and looked like hell. I tried to make a fist, it worked. It wasn't broken. I did my best to put on a bathrobe. I could hear Pieré moving around in the house. I sat down again. The pain was making me dizzy. If not I would have noticed that it wasn't just my clothes spread around on the floor. I allowed myself to fall back keeping my hurt arm in the air. I wanted to take some painkillers. It was really hurting, but I was always terrified to use them. "I did that, I'm sorry…" He had stayed. For the first time in God knows how long. I didn't remember much of last night, he knew every single detail. Alcohol had tainted my memory once again. "Your nanny is with the twins. I made you something to eat." I got up and ran to the bathroom. This was romantic, Jules decided to stay the night and be nice and I'm bent over the toilet. He followed me, walking speed. Held my hair and patted my back.

Tears rolled down my face and the acid taste was still in my mouth. I couldn't help but to laugh. He kissed my nose. I wanted to kiss him on the lips, but reconsidered due to what I had just done. "You could have put on your boxers or something," I commented after washing my mouth. He just shrugged, couldn't be bothered. "It's not like there's anything you haven't seen." I closed my eyes and shook my head. I couldn't help laughing, he was silly. So different from yesterday. I couldn't help but to feel in love with him, wish he always was like this. He isn't, he's cruel, selfish and arrogant. He's just like me; maybe that's why we could never be together. He's just like me, just that I put in an effort not to hurt everyone around me. I try to give a fuck while he just does what he pleases. "Can you… Can we?" He moves his hands up and down his upper arms like he's freezing. He looks so unsure and out of place. Like a kitten, like an innocent little boy even. I wait for him to finish. "I'm off; I haven't had any drugs yet. Can we lay in bed for a while, I need someone to hold me."

What if I wasn't right? What if he had started giving a shit? He climbs in bed. He had made breakfast for us. He eats a lot, he's skinny. He hasn't been eating, he's been doing heroin. We finish, I put the tray down and have one last slice of pineapple. He smiles, he looks content. A trail of juice falls down from my lip. He slowly leans over, licks it before our lips meet. It's slow, sloppy; we're both not feeling good. He lets his hand run through my hair. I put my hand on his chest, the other one is resting motionless next to me. It still hurts, but it's a good kind of hurt. "Thank you for taking care of me last night." It wasn't him to say thank you or sorry, he didn't do polite with friends. I'm not sure how to respond. "I'm sorry," I say. He's confused, puts one arm around me and fills the space between us. "For what?" I look up trying to find my words. "For showing up." I wanted to say all the pain I might have caused him, for ever sleeping with him, for making him cheat so many times and all the bad things I've ever made him do. "Don't be, I can't be going on like this. I can't feel anything when you're not around. I'm growing sick of everything. I can't sleep, I can't think, I can't work, all I can do is drugs."

I don't answer him. I once again found a loss of words. I didn't know what to say to make him feel better, so I didn't say anything. There wasn't anything to say to that. Jules just snuggled closer, he would fall asleep maybe waiting for an answer. I hated to push him away when he was so close, but my arm started hurting and I needed something to numb the pain. I found a bottle of Jack Daniels. I walked up to the twin's room while drinking. I just couldn't bring the bottle into the room. I put it down outside. Both of them were sleeping so I just sat down. That's all they're doing at this time of life, shit, sleep and eat. I liked it like this. It was simple. I would put them to sleep, I would change their diapers and I would feed them. I did love them, but I didn't spend enough time with them. I always found something else to do. It could have been birth depression maybe, but I wasn't sad or hated my children. I missed Fabriola too; I always wonder if she has changed since I left, I knew she had. If she missed her mother, I'm sure Deidara was taking good care of her but you never know.

I walked downstairs having picked up the bottle. Started making dinner, it was only two hours until Jules had to be at sound check. I think he would like some dinner before he had to leave, and then I'm not thinking about take out or restaurant food. I really didn't want to wake him up, but I had to. I had used about an hour making the food and he needed time to eat it. He looks terrible. He's having nightmares. His facial expression shows torment, sweat forming on his forehead. I bend down and kiss him. He grabs my shoulder, hard, as he woke up. He apologized again. His old self would rather have gotten mad for standing in his way waking him up. "I made some dinner, if you're hungry." He was, he was starving. There was hardly enough left for Pierré. He must have been hiding in his room, not sure what to do. I had never brought anyone home with me before. Sure he was used to me coming home completely wasted or spending the night somewhere else. He wasn't used to me spending the night at home with someone else.

Jules thanked me once again, he had liked the food. I told him Shikamaru had told him to show up at six so I called a cab for him. He got dressed and looked around. He wasn't used to spending the night, and he sure wasn't used to saying goodbye, so he didn't. "Come with me," he begged. He looked so sad again, I couldn't turn him down. He looked better now that he had gotten some sleep and food. The place was much bigger this night. We walked in the backdoor, he walked in front of me. I could see what he was doing, he was acting cold for his friends. He had to talk to Shikamaru, I was shown into the backstage room. "Of all the girls he has fucked, you're the only one I've seen twice!" The drummer from yesterday called out from the couch he was sitting in. "That's because we didn't." He wouldn't believe me.


	37. At the Same Time

I felt uncomfortable sitting there with this drummer. "I'm Jack," he said holding out his hand. I shook it. "Ino." I kept it short. He jumped on the couch so that he was on his knees, eyes wide. "Ino, Ino what more?" If I had been arrogant I would have been hurt that he even had to ask. "Ino Dubois," I laughed. He just gave a simple oh. "I thought you were the IY," he mumbled less exited. I asked him about it. "It's the tattoo Jules have on his left hip, I called it a tramp stamp. He said it belonged to his first love, his only true love Ino Yamanaka… He was fairly wasted when he admitted to this. He never talks about her when he's sober. He just get mad, really mad. I don't know much about her, he loved her and she broke his heart." I snorted. "Why can't it be he who broke her heart? He's far from a gentleman; he's the meanest man I've ever met." Jack raised his eyebrows. "You're not married, are you?" I had to laugh at him. "No," but I have once been Ino Yamanaka.

I had changed my name, I had changed my past in hopes of changing my future into a happy one. I wouldn't carry that name around. Reminding me of the first man to let me down. "I'm just his friend." I gave a smile. Jack was blown away, Jules just didn't have female friends. "Does this mean you're single?" I put my hand on his lap in a friendly gesture. "I have just signed my divorce papers and have three children." He raised both of his hands and smiled a sly smile. "I don't mind, I love a girl with experience." I sigh and shake my head. It's not going to happen. I find the bottle of vodka from last night in the fridge. I hadn't had that much of it yesterday, I just sip on it. I can't help but to wonder about his tattoo. Why would he do anything like that? "What is his type anyway?" He snorted. "Big boobs, wet and dark haired. He likes his girls tan and easy. I don't know why he just doesn't go for the blonds to have the whole stupid blond package. Sometimes he even goes for those who seem pist and cold beyond reason. They always act nice and flirty around him, but nothing ever passes him. He knows everything!" I laughed at him. How stupid he was, how desperately Jules had been crying out for help without being seen. "That's why I was so surprised when I saw you."

You could hear him singing in a different room. "Don't you need to warm up?" He told me he wasn't playing. He had hurt his arm. "Yeah, I hurt my arm too." He whistled. "Someone likes it rough?" Then I started drinking, because he didn't accept the fact that I hadn't slept with Jules. I had of course, many times earlier. He didn't need to know that, he hadn't asked. "Why are you so sure Jules and I fucked?" I was more or less drunk by now. "It's what he does, he fucks everyone in whatever way he wants to." I giggled. "Has he fucked you, have you had sex with him?" I laugh some more. I don't know what to make out of his facial expression. "He's my ex-husbands ex-boyfriend." I keep laughing, he gives a half smile. I rested my head on the couch. I was getting sleepy. Dropped the empty bottle on the floor when Jules came in. "Hey, baby boi!" I wasn't loud; it didn't seem like the time. He looked at me then over to Jack. "You couldn't look after her, could you? That's the one thing I asked you to do tonight." I am without any doubt, drunk beyond reason.

Jules and the band don't have too much time to relax before they have to go onstage. The rest of his band seems nice, but then I'm drunk. Close to everyone is nice when you're drunk. I yelled a goodbye when they leave, and add a good luck as if they need it. I'm once again left alone with this Jack. He's started drinking too, he drinks slowly. It doesn't take much to make him tipsy. "You're so in love with each other…" He says it in a thoughtful matter. "Yeah, that's why I'm unhappy. We can never be happy together, but I can't be happy without him." He takes a sip of his beer bottle. I close my eyes. "I was just acting earlier. I know who you are." I didn't respond with anything more than a smile. He didn't say anything more so I had to. "Yeah, I'm fucking famous. All eyes on me!" I wanted to shout the last part, but I didn't want to seem crazy. I had plenty of time to show that side of me later, if that time ever came. It wasn't like I would see him after tomorrow. Jules was leaving. Moving on. Moving away from me. I found a bottle with some wine. I didn't know if it was good or not, but I knew it was alcohol. It would be a shame to let it go to waste.

I don't know if I'm too drunk or if I'm spellbound by the music. I just sit there and take it in. I wanted to go out there with him. I was going to, but then I changed my mind again. There's people out there. I hadn't done anything publicly in ages and I was drunk. Me who was supposed to be sober. It's not like the tabloids had printed articles of my drinking numerous times. To hell with it. I grabbed the bottle of wine and ran before Jack knew what was going to happen. I knew Jules had made him babysit me. Maybe it was to prevent something like this from happening. I was expecting to find someone by the door leading to the stage. It was empty, it was like someone wanted me to do this. I did want this now. I had been drinking liquid courage all night. He hadn't expected me to do this. He was surprised, tried to play it off. I hugged him. I didn't know what to do, I realized it hadn't been the best idea. He proposed that we would do one of our old songs together.

He kept on going for a while. He took me outside. His bottom lip was trembling, he was pale, I was scared. "Ino, I came here for a reason. I knew you would find me." That made sense somehow. If I was in New York I would have wanted him to know. He just shakes his head. "I can't ask now." He grabs my hand again. "Let's go to the after party, it's going to be killer." Killer it would be indeed. Needless to say I would get drunk. We both did. So I found out that I needed to know what Jules didn't want to tell me. It was me who wanted drag him outside that time. He didn't want to, he told me there in the crowd of people. He didn't care, he was drunk and had all the whores he wanted flocking around him. "It's Deidara, and that kid of yours. Car accident, Ino they're dead. I need you to come back with me, so why don't you just move back at the same time?"


	38. Railing

I know I have made a mistake. I should have never asked her to come back. She's scared. She isn't ready, she's just found out that she had lost the two persons closest to her. I was just told this morning, a few hours after it had happened. I had wanted to bed her, that's the real reason why I had showed up, Shikamaru had made me tell her. I make my way through the crowd of jumping bodies. Pull away from girls with claws. Back in the club again the lights are blinking in obnoxious colors making everything cramped. It feels like I'm having a seizure. I'm not young anymore. I know I don't belong here anymore. I'm scared I have lost her, not just right now, but forever. Snow had started falling. It was wet, it fell to the ground to become filthy for a second. Then it was gone, it melted. She was gone, our love was filthy, I had melted.

I stopped in my tracks when I found her. It was dark outside. I saw someone, I knew it was her. She swung one leg over the railing of a bridge. She let the other one follow. Leaning over she looked down into the river. She was the only thing moving, her and the river. It was roaring, giving away a warning. One each side of the river a tree was reaching up against heaven. It was fall, they had dropped their leafs. They were like skeletons, waiting to reach the sky. They would never reach their goal. They would grow old and die.

"Do you think it's the world that's too good for me, or am I too good for the world?" The real world was probably something that doesn't enter Ino's mind. Nobody knows what's in there. Nobody can, it's only for her to see. I didn't know how to respond. I had caught her wanting to take her own life many times before. She's never been this close; it has never felt so real. She sat down on the railing. She took off her shoe and threw it in the river. It disappeared into the dark, drowned. She turns her head around, looks at me and throws the other one in. She opens her mouth slightly; her lip-gloss shines in the moonlight. Had this been a movie, it would have been a perfect scene. This, this is real life. This isn't a scene, and Ino wants to die.

She places both feet on the ground again. Leans her back against the railing, takes off her coat. I decided that I needed to do something before it was too late. I couldn't let this happen. I grab her hand. She looks over at me. We both know that I wouldn't be able to hold her back if she jumped. Her scarf is dangling off her neck, blowing in the wind. She has made it herself, on tour. I remember, she hadn't been sleeping. I couldn't either; I stayed up all night listening to her knitting. She lunges for it as it's about to blow away. She's about to fall down, she has lost her grip. I grab her arm. She looks wide eyed down into the river, but calms down. She has gotten a reach of the scarf. "Just give me seven days, one week. I'll change everything, come back with me. Come back to New York, I love you, I miss you!" She closes her eyes, shakes her head. She struggles to get lose. People have started gathering around us. Some are calling out in French. I pull her over the railing. She looks so lost, so out of place in this world, but she's not leaving it.

I pull her coat around her, she's cold, she doesn't have shoes. I carry her, I don't want her getting a cold. She puts her arms around my neck and cling to me. She doesn't say a word, she doesn't have to. She doesn't cry, she just shivers. It start snowing even more, she asks if we can go inside somewhere. She's cold, I don't mind. I walk into the closest bar and put her down. She kisses my cheek and thanks me. She walks over to the bar disk, without her shoes like it's the most normal thing. She gets a drink; she downs it and asked for another. I should stop her, she had had enough to drink even before we walked in. She starts talking with the guys beside her. She can never tell when she's flirting. She doesn't know that it's what she's doing. She's just herself. Laughing at jokes, smiling, the hand on a shoulder or knee. She doesn't mean anything with it. She has this gift. She can make anybody believe that she loves them, that they're the only one in the room; they're all she cares about. It's a lie, and I've believed this lie to too many times.

I still can't help falling for her lies, the way she looks at me, the way she touches me. It makes me believe that there's something more, that there's love in the picture. In fact I just have something that will make her feel better for a little while. I don't think it matters to her who it is, she has just gotten in the habit of picking me, that's a shame because I love her. A girl walks up to me, asks me if I'm the singer in that band. She just knows she has seen me in magazines. She doesn't know who I am, still she's throwing herself at me. I tell her that she must be mistaking me for someone else; I'm just here to pick up my wife. I look at Ino; the girl just makes a face and tells me she's sorry. That we could walk home together if I needed to get my mind off things. I hate Europeans at times; they're so upfront about everything. So is Ino, she has grown up here. She's never subtle about anything but her feelings. Her feelings are a guessing game.

She bites her thumb as one of the guys whisper something in her ear. I know that look in her eyes, that smile, she's about to walk away with him. She finishes her last drink, rests her head on the disk for a little while. She's too drunk for her own good, she can't take care of herself. I move in and help her. The guy starts talking to me in French. I pick up a few words. I tell him that if he wants too, we can take it outside. Ino is still laying face down. He gets up; he's taking me up on my offer. He looks bigger and stronger than me, I know this is going to end bad for me, but I know I need this. I need to act reckless, my mind has been a mess ever since Ino showed up. It's not like I'm going to let him take advantage of her, I know deep down that this isn't what she wants.

We walk a short distance away from the bar, we don't want the bouncer to stop us. He throws the first punch before I'm ready. He bust my lip, it's bleeding. The iron like taste wakes me up. I can't help but to think about the time Ino left me. That we both had a family, we might could have been a family if things were different. I hate that she sells herself so easy to bad types at cheap bars. That she's never happy. I punch him in his stomach. I can't help but to be scared shitless that she doesn't want to live. The fight carries on, it's needless to say that he has the upper hand, that I'm losing. The night sky had never seemed so dark, I had never seemed so out of it. I know I can't lose, I don't know where I get my strength from, he has busted my lip, given me a blue eye, punched my stomach red and the list goes one. Still I'm fighting as it's about my life. I think he gives up. Okay, okay, she's not worth it, I can find girl like her anywhere. That's what he said, that's what he thinks about my Ino. I tell him he'll never find anything like her.

I wipe off some blood and walks back in. This isn't New York I remember; this isn't a high end club. There's no one where who cares if you're covered in blood and look like hell. I look for Ino, she isn't in her seat anymore. I look around the room. I find her entwined with Jack. Of all people, she's sitting on his lap, his hand on her butt and legs all tangled. He knows what he's doing, he knows she's special to me. I'm not sure what to think when I see his tongue in her mouth. If makes me want to leave, or if it makes me want her even more. I don't know why she's doing this. They're both wrong, she's drunk not that it's a good excuse for this. I walk over to them. She pries away from him, he takes the opportunity to take a sip off his beer and smile at me. He's smug about it, he that always comes in second best to me he thinks, but now he has the girl of my dreams in his lap. "Just wanted to see if you guys are okay."

I walk over to that girl who came up to me earlier. Tell her that I lied, that I am famous and that she should fuck me just because of that. I sit down with her, I watch Ino from the corner of my eye. She looks over at me now and then. Why I don't know. She stops Jack's hand from traveling too far up her skirt several times. I don't pay attention to this girl, what he's saying. It doesn't matter to me. I move closer to her and kiss her. Her lips don't quiver like Inos. She doesn't taste like vodka, and she doesn't smell like flowers. This girl is a lazy kisser, tastes as some weak, girly drink and smells like coconuts. After a while she must have grown tired of making out, she gets up and goes to get a drink. Asks me if I want one, I didn't. European women, it's the man who's supposed to ask that. Not that I had it in my mind. Ino gets up and stumbles out on shaky legs. I call Jack over, he doesn't care about her. "Sit here and you'll get some, I'm not letting you have Ino. She's too drunk." He just smiles. "She's the IY isn't she?" I pat his back as I walk out. I'm supposed to be mad at him; I'll take it up with him later.

I know Ino was too drunk to do anything to severely danger herself. I'm not all too worried about her. She's most likely close by throwing up. She normally holds it down, it's rare that she gets sick. Right now she was on the ground, leaning against the wall crying. I knew how she got when she drank way past her limit. This was going to be a long night. "I don't think I want to die, but I'm not happy. I don't feel alive!" I once again didn't know what to say, so I just let her do her thing. She wouldn't remember this in the morning anyway. "I'm sick of hiding, not dealing with my problems doesn't make them go away." She kicked a stone. Fished out some cigarettes. Offered me one and asked if I wanted it. I gave her my lighter, stole the cigarette when it was dangling between her fingers. She must have forgotten all about it. She does that sometimes. She looks longingly over at it, but she doesn't say anything. I wonder if there's something she wouldn't give me, if she'll ever say no to me except her heart.

We just sat there, doing nothing but listening to each other breathe and smoke. She leaned over, not to take back her cigarette. She planted a soft kiss on my lips before she licked her own. She did taste like vodka, and a hint of lime. She did smell like flowers as usual. I always wondered what perfume she used. I never found one that smelled like her; it must be her natural scent. Not that anything was natural with Ino. I let my legs slide down; she took the hint and sat down on top of me. I had spent all night making sure nobody took advantage of the drunken girl in the bar. Now I was doing it. I felt like I constantly used her. She had made me sleep the night before. God had I needed to sleep. I hadn't slept like that in years. Now I was getting what I wanted again. This night I didn't want to sleep before I had gotten my way with Ino. I felt bad for doing this, she just found out that her husband and kid had died, she had been close to taking her own life and she was so drunk she hardly knew what was going on. I felt like I was taking advantage of her. I was sober, I should be responsible.

I hail a cab. I drag her in with me, I have to help her with the seatbelt, she couldn't do it herself and just giggled. She dozed off in the cab, it's not even that late she's just that drunk. She has had a rough night. She hasn't changed any, this could have been the Ino I come to know years ago. That's not totally true, there was something that had changed in her eyes, and her body was more mature. I had to wake her up, unbuckle her and go around to help her out. Before any of that I had given the cabdriver his money, he drove off as soon as Ino was out of the car. "Where's your keys?" I asked her. She stumbles and fall on me. "You have to frisk me to find them." Yes, I wanted her. I didn't want any games. I just wanted her in bed, I didn't want to hang around outside. I check her purse to find the keys. She just giggles, I'm not sure what to think of that. I'm not sure about anything anymore.


	39. Fifth Avenue 82nd Street

I did end up moving. I wanted to go back, it was time. I had been running away from my life for too long. I packed my stuff, sold my house, said my goodbyes and left. I had left my new and old friends behind. I had left a perfectly good life behind. Something had always been missing from it. It didn't have the people New York have, it didn't have Jules. From the airport I went straight to his grave. It was simple, nothing fancy. I sat down, lost for tears. This was beyond tears. I felt like a widow. We had been divorced, yes. Standing in front of my own child's grave I cried. I had been an awful mother to her. I had left her when it was convenient to me, I had done what I wanted. I had sent her countless letters from Paris. I never knew if she got them, if Deidara read them to her. I hadn't visited her, and now she was gone. I had only a grave to visit and talk too. I felt bad. My perfect family was gone, gone forever. The only thing that had kept me on the curb, had kept me from going over the edge losing control. Now all that was left of Deidara was two children he had never met. Things weren't supposed to be like this. This wasn't supposed to end like this. It wasn't fair for me or for them. They were cold and underground now. I would never hear either one of them laugh or see them smile.

I checked in to the , I needed grand and comfort. It was the closest and I needed rest. It had been a long trip. Even with a private jet. The twins had been crying a lot. They were tired too. I requested a babysitter at the hotel. I had become far too lazy to take care of them myself. I would rest and go looking for a place to live tomorrow. Right now I just wanted to lay flat in bad for some time. They had given me the Bentley suite, I didn't feel in the mood for a light and bright suite like the Tiffany one. They carried up two cribs for the twins. They weren't in such a bad mood now that we had landed. They wanted to upgrade my room to the Presidential Suite, but I would have to wait a couple of hours for them to clean it. I had just told them that I just wanted to sleep. The manager started talking about how great it was to see me on American soil again, and of course how blessed he was to meet my children in person. They didn't seem to wound up seeing him just kicking around with their feet, sucking on thumbs.

When the guy was finally done I went for the first bed I found. Undressed and slipped under the covers. I could hear the babysitter playing with the twins in the living room. I couldn't help but to feel a bit guilty for not doing that myself. They probably didn't even know I was their mother. I sent Naruto a message before falling asleep, saying I had made it to New York. If I didn't he would worry. He's so sweet.

I woke up a couple of hours later when my phone called. "You could have told me you were back." I could have told him, I didn't want him to think I came for him. That I came back to be with him again. I couldn't do that all over again. Deidara might be gone; I still didn't want to back down on my promise to him. What happened in Paris was a onetime thing, some sort of ending. I owed him and myself that. I had made that promise once again by his grave. I hung up on him. We had have a messy good bye last time. I had been with Sakura, he was tripping on something when he found me. I did not feel like being close with him. He had started flirting with my friend. She still wanted to be on the top, still wanted to be best, she flirted back. They ended up making out by dinner time. Jack had arrived and tried getting it on with me to. I got up and walked out of the restaurant. Jules noticed and ran after me. I slapped him. "After all we have been trough, after all I have been trough, after all we have done the last couple of days?!" I wanted to spit on him. It was a primal want that showed up in my head. I couldn't be that childish. I kissed him, it was pretty intense. I left him there. He was too lost to follow. I hadn't seen him since that.

I could hear a child crying. It sounded like Anastasia. I got up and went to the living room. There was a new baby sitter there. I picked up Anastasia tried to stop her from crying. The babysitter seemed almost shocked to see me. I didn't acknowledge it. A man in suit came in, he presented him as my butler. He came with the room. He talked of himself as some sort of object, some furniture that came with the suite. I asked for his first name and asked him to make me some breakfast.

After having breakfast with both the butler and babysitter I decided to call up my former realtor to see if there was anything good on the marked. I wouldn't mind staying here for a few months, still I was impatient to get a place on my own. I didn't want to have to go around thinking about it. I didn't want to get attached to this place. He didn't answer the first time. I was out looking for a stroller when he called me back. "I saw you called, Ino, what is up baby doll?" I had forgotten the name calling. "Well, I'm back in New York again. I need somewhere to live." He was quiet for a while. "Well, you're just in luck. I have quite a few apartments opening up." I could hear him typing. "What are you looking for, what price range?" I hadn't really thought this through. "Well, I need a bedroom, the twins will need two, and it's also nice to have one or two extra. I'll be willing to pay what it cost if I like it." He hummed. "I think this one will be perfect for you. Five bedrooms, nine bathrooms, your own library, close to Central Park. The price is kinda steep, what do you think baby doll? Want a viewing?"

I agreed to look at the place. It didn't seem too bad. It was located right by Central Garden, Fift Avenue 82nd Street. I loved it. I loved the atmosphere in the house. The blue master bedroom, the purple reading room, the kitchen wasn't too big. I could live with that, the dining room was huge. I bought it. I couldn't help it. Nobody else had shown any interest in it. I had my own place in New York again. Nothing will ever be like that feeling. It doesn't matter if you're renting a crap apartment in Brooklyn or if you're buying the top of the top in Manhattan. It was mine. I could do what I wanted with it. What I wanted was to hire someone to do something with it. I would need one girls and one boys room. Right now the twins would share a room. They didn't care what colour the wall had. I was ready to settle down, quit fucking around and be a mother now. I wanted to there, I wanted to raise them, I wanted to be a responsible adult. I wanted that, most likely for the first time in my life. Changes were coming. I would embrace them. I was ready.


	40. Big Night Out

Waking up to a view over Central Park was something everyone deserved. It was beautiful, when the sun was slowly making its way up. It was one of those days, you just wanted to stay in bed. You could feel every fiber in your body working against touching the floor. I rolled over on my stomach. I had no idea what time it was. From the position of the sun I would guess six thirty, give or take some. I knew I would have to get out of bed soon. One of the twins would start crying soon. I would pick them up and carry them to the kitchen, I would make all three of us something to eat while they played on the floor. That's what happens every morning, ever since I moved in five weeks ago. It all had become a habit. If the weather was nice I would take them for a walk somewhere around eleven-twelve, and have lunch outside. If it was raining I would bring it with me home. I rarely ever found the desire to make lunch at home. We would nap after lunch, then I would do some work stuff or something like that. When they woke up I would play with them for a couple of hours. Playtime would end when I got hungry and made dinner. They would play on the floor while I read in my book. After that I would put them to bed. I would watch some TV until I got tired and went to bed myself. I would wake up around six thirty not wanting to get up. Every single day.

Nick and Sasuke had been by to look at my new place and welcome me back. They were both busy with their own life. Sasuke was in another band, and trying to find a girl he found good enough to settle down with. Nick already had that, and that was more time consuming than anything. I hadn't talked much with Jules. I had talked more with Deidaras gravestone. It still felt surreal. I hadn't allowed myself to feel the sorrow, not properly. It was this sad, gnawing black hole inside me. It made my stomach sink, it consumed all my life joy. I almost wondered if my life was worth living, if it was worth living like this. I hated those moments, I had someone to live for. I knew that, I knew I was being a good mother. Even if it suck all the life out of me. Don't get me wrong. I loved them both. Sometimes it gets too much. I wanted to be young and careless again. I missed the scandals, the tours, living life with no responsibilities… or lack of respect of responsibilities. I wanted to be young once again.

My days passed by slowly. I didn't do much. It often felt like I was doing the same thing from yesterday all over again. We all know this would lead to a mental break down. I could not live life the slow way. I rented a nanny and went out one evening. I did not know what to do at first. I wanted to get a laugh, I wanted to get a drink. I just wanted to have a good time. The local bars weren't too interesting. They weren't brown enough for me. I wasn't looking for posh drinks; I was looking for beer and cheap shots. Loud music in the back would also be a nice thing.

I found an Irish pub. I would have a Guinness or two before I would hit the shots hard. The bar seemed small and packed. I liked that, I would have to make an effort to get a drink. I found a free seat by the bar. I fixed my dress. I was wearing a simple mid tigh black dress from Emilio Pucci. The narrow cleavage was beneath my breasts. It felt dangerous, thrilling. Like I was breaking the law behind the back of a cop. I got a Guinness and a Turkish Pepper shot. I closed my eyes and downed it. Some younger guy made his way from a small group of friends and sat down beside me. I didn't speak to him. I didn't see any reason why. He had slick hair, what looked like a designer suit and bow tie. He had dangerously sexy jaw bones. I couldn't help but to smile and come up with a reason to talk to him. "You didn't ask if the seat was taken, I could be waiting for a friend." He laughed, or scoffed. I couldn't tell. "I've been watching you." I took a sip, his voice was deep. The grip around my glass tightened when he spoke. "I was wondering what a girl like you was doing in a bar like this?" I put my glass down. "The same as you I hope, getting drunk." He smiled.

Three shots later the room was spinning. I knew I would have a problem walking home with my heels on. They would be too high, I would have to take a cab or find a nearby hotel. Right now I voted for the last one. The man had gone back to his friends, they were being the loudest in the room. The crowd had slimmed down since I had come in. I was contemplating on finding somewhere else. The drinking had slowed down, people seemed to come here to enjoy their drinks. "Let me guess, the wife of a rich Upper East Side business man. Your stay at home life with two kids and a nanny to do all the work isn't exciting enough so you came here tonight." The man was back again. To chat and insult me or order more drinks I did not know. He spoke slower than most New Yorkers, but he had the accent. I was sure he was local. I snorted and took a sip of my third beer. "My husband just knew enough about finance to let me pay for him." The man seemed impressed for a second. "So he knew, he was a gold digger and you cut off his resources? But why would you then still wear the wedding ring?" He was more talking to himself. "I should have gone to the private party." I said that more to myself as well.

He introduced himself as Chuck, expecting for me to know what that meant. I just told him Ino, he didn't need to know more. He once again went back to his table. I was eavesdropping on them. I did not pick up anything, so I went back to finishing my Boston Lager. I felt like calling up Jules. It made me sick. He was probably sleeping next to his wife, their child in the room next to them. That time when I could call him up in the middle of the night drunk was over. We were over. There was no space to time for us together. I just missed him. I needed him. I sigh, wanted to lay my head on the bar desk. I was done for the night. Ordered a cup of herbal tea to finish off. The bartender just laughed and called me sensible.

The man. Chuck, sat down beside me. "Had enough, pretty flower?" I didn't respond to him. I didn't know what his game was. He just smiled and looked down at his glass. I didn't know what he had been drinking, it was empty now. "I know very well who you are." I looked up at him. "I've been wanting to bump into you for a while. I drank some more. "So? Now you have, it was nothing special. I'm nothing special when it boils down to this." I was just like everyone else, everyone else would never realize that. "It's just as I dreamt about, but in the same time exactly the opposite." He ordered a beer. I ordered two more shots, made it four. "Wanna sit down by a table, or do you want to go back to your friends?" He joined me by a table. We talked, we laughed, we shared the shots and got drunker.

"You're asking me why Victoria's Secret is a secret. Because they put so much padding in their bras that the actual size is a mystery, it's so true! For some girls it's half boob, half bra. I swear!" We were laughing, having a great time. His friends were watching closely. I tried to ignore it. We had been talking for a good hour. Drinking much more than I had planned. People had come and gone. We stayed. "My biggest dream as a child was to be a race car driver on my free time and work as a doctor." I laughed at him. "My childhood dream was always to be a red lipped glamorous movie star." I took another shot. "You can still do that." I shook my head. "I'm too old, I'm too old. If I'm lucky I'll make one more CD then it's just Greatest Hits after that. They'll also suck." He insisted it was still time for me. "Life caught up with me, I stay at home. I can't handle my drinks anymore. I'm not a rock star anymore; I'm a fucking stay at home mother with no nanny. Cheers for that."

I had gone way past my limit. I had to tell him. I had to tell him it was time for me to leave and go home. He told me had something to wake me up. Nothing too illegal or too strong. I just had to follow him to the bathroom. I debated if I should follow him or not. It was my big night out, it wouldn't hurt with something innocent. I was drunk beyond reason anyway. He had to hold my hand and guide me over to the bathroom. He went into the male one. He checked the stall. "If someone find us, they are more likely to cheer than scream. He went into the stall furthest away from the door. I checked myself in the bathroom mirror. My makeup was in place, but I looked hammered. I followed him into the stall. He had a pill on his tongue. It was the most cliché thing I had ever seen. I almost wanted to turn around just because of that. I once again told myself it was my big night out.

He pushed me against the door. I swallowed my pill. I swallowed it with a smile. I wrapped my legs around his waist. The making out had become more heavy breathed. "You have a condom, right?" He nodded. It was something like this he had been waiting for. He pulled one out and pulled his pants down. I shook my head and rolled my dress up. We regained our former position, yet something was majorly different this time. It had been too long. I bit down on his neck to keep quiet. He wasn't gentle, but he wasn't hurting me. "Oh fuck," I muttered and threw my head back. "I am!" He stated, like I hadn't notice. "Yeah! You fucking are!" I moaned. I could feel him getting ready to finish. I found my way over to his ass. I had wanted to feel if it was firm all night. That sent him over the edge. He panted right next to my ear, shortly after the pulled out. I was not sure if it was the sex, alcohol or the pills that made me feel like this. It must have been one or all of them. "See, you're still a rock start, sex, drugs and rock and roll." His voice was back to smooth again. I asked him if he had more of his pills. He gave me a box. I thanked him with a kiss and put in my purse.

On the way out he yelled out asking me if we would ever meet again. I didn't know, and I liked it that way. "Who knows, but hey… Fuck me again then!" His friends looked shocked. I was sure they had been talking about this. I took another pill as I left the bar. The night was still young. What I would fill it with I did not know. Finding myself on Jules doorstep once again was apparently one of them. She had her name on the doorbell. Kaylee, after his, it was pretty disgusting. I rang the doorbell. Crossed my fingers she wouldn't open. It was too much to ask for.

"I knew the dog would come around to catch some bone." She had a smug smile. "Okay, several years ago your boyfriend found my vagina and boobs more attractive than yours. It's been years, seriously, get over it. It's getting really sad, I'm not here to fuck him." He was shocked. She didn't like to hear that. "He's with me now, so hah!" She was so sad. "Yes, you are. I still fucked him. He still fucked me over you. It does not change anything. I just want to talk to him. You know he begged me to move back in Paris. You know I could have fucked him over and over again over there. You're second best to me. Get the fuck over it, bitch!" She stepped out and closed the door behind me. "We have a son!" That was her short answer. It was getting cold outside, I wish I had brought a jacket. It was just early spring. "Yes, you had unprotected sex and made a child. I've never used a condom with him. Think of all the babies we could have had." She started hitting low. "Yes, because you're anorexic and can't have children!" I snorted. "I can have children, it's just that it's harder for me. So it's never worked with him. Don't blame me, blame nature." She took off her cardigan and threw it on the ground. "I do Pilates!" That was her idea of a threat. I was so ready to smack her face in. She threw the first punch. Right in the jaw, I would not admit that it hurt. I would not. The door was suddenly thrown open. "Mommy, you out here?" It was their son, Jules behind. He quickly covered his eyes and turned him around. "Mommy will be here soon." He signaled for her to go inside. She took some time to react. None of us moved. Eventually Jules and I was left outside alone. Alone for the first time since Paris, it was the first time I had seen him since Paris.

"What was that?" he asked pointing towards the door. "I came over and she started giving me shit! I didn't want to sit there and take it. I want to be allowed to go see my best friend." It was an awkward silence before he moved closer to me. He held my cheek. Looking deeply into my eyes before letting me go. "Just get the fuck out of here Ino, just… No." I let it sink it, I didn't respond. I turned my back and left him. If he didn't want me there, I wasn't going to force myself. I didn't want to be somewhere I wasn't wanted. "Have a nice evening!" I yelled out. I couldn't hear him moving. He might have wanted me to fight and argue. Had already fought this evening, I did not want to go for a second round. I had had enough, I would go home and go to sleep.


	41. The Team of Four Together Once Again

I had made it home safe that night, I had gone out the next day too. Suddenly I found myself going out almost every single night. Things were starting to take off again. I was starting to lose control, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to fight it anymore. This city had been doing nothing good for me. It might have been a mistake leaving France. I had nothing special here. I had friends who had never time to see me, I had a former lover who didn't speak to me and I had two tombstones to remind me of the past and make me tear up.

I had made time to release my second solo album. I had promoted it, I had been drinking and taking pills to keep up. I had celebrated my 28th birthday with a huge party. Nick and Sasuke had been there, but most importantly Jules had been there. He had brought his wife, she went home early when people started drinking hard. She didn't want to take part in that. What I had missed was her begging for her husband to follow. She didn't trust him alone at a big party with me. She told him it was over if he started things with me again. He told me he wanted to see his old time friends and spend some time with them. Try to save their friendships. He never went out anymore.

I was wasted. I had been smoking weed in the bathroom as well. I was feeling totally fine. I was having a great time, running around with a bottle talking to people who had showed up. Little did I know that Jules hadn't left the party. He had given me a stiff awkward hug while his wife was watching and given me a present. I don't remember things being that bad between us. The gift had been a pink shirt with butterflies on in size large. No need to say that it was a shit gift. Jules looked bothered when I opened it, his wife smiled. No wonder who had picked out the gift. I had put it on the gift table and got distracted. I hadn't seen them since that. I had been told they both left.

Nick and Sasuke were more than present. Nick with his fiancé and Sasuke with his wife. Sasuke was complaining they never went out any more. Not like this, not to a proper party. They were both talking about making another CD. I wasn't foreign for the idea. I needed something new to shake up my life. I had finished writing what could be called my biography. I wasn't publishing it yet, unsure if I would. I just needed to write it. I had been working on it since I left for France. It was solid and detailed. I'm sure no one was that into reading about me. I had pushed the publishing idea away, didn't want to alter it. It was the way it was, I was done.

The weed alcohol combination was starting to wear off. I didn't mind. It gave me some time to calm down, clear my mind. I had little idea what was going to. People seem to be enjoying themselves. I continued drinking, took some pills. Everything was great. People seemed to start leaving after midnight. I didn't mind, I didn't miss them. I was in top shape. Decided to run over to the bar and pick up a bottle of champagne. I leaned over the bar desk trying to catch the bartenders attention. Too many people ordering special fancy drinks, an open bar hadn't been a great idea. I picked up a bottle of Jack Daniels that I was able to reach behind the bar. I sat down, drank straight from the bottle. I sat it down, someone else picked it up. I might be drunk, but I did not want to share my bottle.

I was surprised when it was Jules. He didn't say anything, so I didn't either. I waited for my bottle to become available again. We sat there for a while, sharing the bottle. "Do you know the earth spins almost one kilometer an hour? Sometimes it's almost as if I can feel it." He was the first to talk. I didn't want to talk. "Come dance, I'm the birthday girl after all. I need to get my way." He did as I had wanted. I could see Sasuke and Itachi talking together. I had asked Itachi to help me with promoting my new CD, that I was ready to be part of the media again. He had helped me. Sales were good enough. I didn't complain, I was earning money. It turned out that I had inhered Deidara's money too. I didn't know what to do with them, I couldn't keep them. I would have to give them away. I could see Nick dancing on a chair. I laughed at them. Jules pushed me close. He was warm, up tight and relaxed at the same time. I didn't know what to think of it.

"I'm sorry for sending you away. I was selfish, I wanted you to fight to me. I wanted you to show that you hadn't given up on me. That some part of you still needed me. It was bad of me. It was my fault, I wanted you to stay. I always want to have you close. I'm lost without you. I need you, and I want you to need me too." I rested my head on his shoulder. "You're always going to be a huge part of my life, and I'm always going to need you." Our dancing ended when Nick fell off his chair. He said everything was fine, probably too drunk to feel a thing. All we could do was laugh and drink some more.

Jules and me went back to the bar and sat down. "What's new?" I asked him. I looked over at him, he was dropping ice cubes in his drink. "We sleep in separate beds." I didn't get him at first. "It's like we're just two people living together sharing a son." I didn't know what to say. My marriage had ended because we slept in the bed of someone else. I told him I was sorry, he told me there was nothing I could do about it. It was like they had lost their spark. He made a joke that it was my fault, because I wasn't running around with him anymore.

I brought him with me into an empty room and locked the door. I didn't want to talk about his failed marriage. I didn't want to think of something that would bring me down. I just wanted to party and have fun. "You're not still on drugs, are you?" He looked guilty. "Great, may I borrow some?" He looked even worse, but he would let me. I found my own bag of cocaine in my bra. I sorted 50/50 heroin and cocaine on the table. "You can have some if you want to, I don't think I'll run through the bag tonight." He did look worried. He didn't want any. "I'm trying to quit, and you're starting." I snorted and laughed. "I never quit, I just take breaks." I would sit and wait for the drugs to kick in. Jules looked miserable. He didn't seem comfortable. "Want to go out?" I asked. He had to think about it. He wasn't sure what he wanted. We were alone in here, but there was alcohol outside. "Do you think people will notice us missing?" I didn't know. "Don't you think they are used to it?"

We went outside. He wasn't sure how to act around me just yet. He thanked me for not telling his wife about is in Paris before we went out. She hadn't needed to know. Outside there were just my closest friends and the heavy drinkers left. Most of them fitted both descriptions. Nick and Sasuke were dancing on some tables. The drugs were starting to work. I felt excited and on fire. I jumped on top of the table with Sasuke and Nick. They chanted birthday girl as I jumped to the music playing. It felt great. I felt great. I was so happy in that drunken, drug induced bliss. Jules stood watching. No smile in his face, no sign of joy. I climbed on his shoulders. I still was very light, so it shouldn't be a problem for him. "Runny horsey!" I yelled and gently slapped him on the chest. I offered him some of my whiskey. He emptied the bottle and continued running. He slipped on a spilt drink and we both fell. I started laughing. I couldn't feel the pain. I was too out of it.

"This is the best party ever!" Sasuke yelled. He had for some reason stripped down to his underwear. It was just the four of us left now. "I've missed you guys, but I'm so fucked up!" I asked Jules for some more heroin. We both had some this time. "You guys aren't fucking speedballing?" Nick asked shocked. "That tops the list!" Sasuke yelled. He was smoking a joint himself. Nick had brought and shared some, I had some when they first came out. "Fucking insane!" I yelled and did a shot. "I miss you guys so much!" Sasuke signaled for a group hug. I fell down while standing still. "You guys, it feels like I'm on the line between life and death. It's like right in front of me, I'll be on the other side if I just reach out my tongue." I tried stretching as far as I could. "You probably are right between life and death." We all had a laugh, and we all knew it was somewhat true.

The party didn't end until a slightly frustrated Itachi showed up. Frustrated as always. "Oh! What did I do wrong now?" He was just shaking his head. The others were laughing loudly. "You guys, I think I'm in trouble." That made them laugh even more, I think even Itachi was laughing some too. Then he told me why he had showed up. I was supposed to be on this morning radio show half an hour ago.


	42. Radio Show

I had one beer on the way over. Said I needed to repair my system. Needless to say I was still drunk beyond reason. Itachi made me brush my teeth before we left and gave me some gum. He had some clean clothes in his car for me to change into. I was told I was dead if I threw up in his car. "Why do you want me to dress as a hooker?" He had brought some skimpy washed out jean shorts with studs and a royal blue bandeau with diamond studs. I was happy to find a black jacket with even more studs on the shoulders.

I kept turning up the volume on the radio, he would turn it back down again. "When you have me dressing as a prostitute, why not crank the volume some?" He didn't respond I guess I was annoying, so I tried to squeeze in a nap. Itachi had waked me up with a cup of coffee and a bagel in his hand. He was a life saver. "Just try to act sober, okay. Have some water after your coffee.

I had to find my way inside alone. He took off as soon as I had walked in. I didn't know what to expect. Some lady rushed me into the studio. I was offered a mic to attach behind my ear, or I could use the one hanging from the wall. They rather had me using the later, I wanted both. In case I wanted to move. I was welcomed by Howard Stern and his co host Robin Quivers.

They introduced themselves to me. They had some song playing right now. We made some small talk while waiting for the song to end. I finished my coffee

"We now finally have Ino with us people. Nice of you to join us, we only had this deal for what? Two months?" Two and a half Robin corrected. "Yeah… Yeah… It's like, things don't go through me." I looked around; I hadn't been told about this I think. "You're pretty wasted, aren't you?" I was put back by the question. "What? No, I just came from a party… I'm not drunk, just like…" I was interrupted. "This is typical rock star, she's so drunk. Listeners, she's drinking coffee to hide it." Howard said. I just shook my head. "It's like morning, right?" Robin started laughing. My head was hurting. "How old are you now, Ino?" Robin asked. "I turn 28 soon." She clapped her hands, "and we don't have cake!" Howard laughed, "That's good, she would have fallen face down in it."

Ino: "I so wouldn't, I'm just a bit partied out"

Robin: "Is that what you call drunk and high as a kite now?"

Ino: "Oh no, that's called a good evening."

Howard: "So that's what you do?"

Ino: "No, I have children. I don't go out too often anymore."

Howard: "Children?"

Robin: "Yes, she has two adorable twins."

Howard: "So you're still high on the drugs they gave you at the hospital?"

Robin: "She's just drinking coffee now."

Howard: "Your album, Juine just sold to platinum. Congratulations!"

Ino: "It did? That's cool."

Howard: "You've been high for so long you said?"

Ino: "Yes, yes, I get it. I sound influenced or high on something."

Robin: "Several things."

Ino: "Yeah, I lit up a big on the way over here, downed it with some 40. I'm neither drunk nor high."

Howard: "You look great though, beside you face tells me you've been sleeping under a bush."

Ino: "Trees… I prefer trees… More air going through."

Howard: "When was the last time you slept?"

Ino: "I had to think… I had a nap on Saturday before I went out."

Robin: "So you been partying since Saturday?!"

Ino: "Yes… I guess so?"

Howard: "Yeah, she's a rock star you know."

Robin: "How about we play one of your songs? How We Look Written Down on Paper."

Ino: "Don't bother, they are all rubbish."

They put on the song. "I'm really wanting some popcorn," I confessed. I might have been talking slow and sounded drunk. I was about to fall apart. I got up and jumped around some. They just laughed at me saying they had never had anything like this in studio before. I laughed with them and got to get some coffee and went to the bathroom.

They had started the show again when I came back to the studio.

Ino: "Sorry, it's important to wash your hands after you've been to the bathroom guys."

Robin: "This girl is tripping."

Howard: "We decided to take some calls for you viewers."

1. Caller: "Ino, you're my hero. Let's all face it. You're fucking hammered."

Ino: "Okay, so I might have been drinking some."

2. Caller: "Ino, you're a retarded cheating skank, go see AA"

Robin: "She's not a retard!"

Ino: "It's… What… I'm not in a relationship so that I can cheat, and I do have an IQ over 50. I don't stick my finger in my bellybutton and smell it or anything. AA won't because I'm not so much of an anonymous person. I guess that's leave me with being alcoholic."

3. Caller: "You're hot Ino, I'd fuck you."

Howard: "We'll write down the number for you."

Ino: "WOW! Did someone just pinch my leg?!"

Robin: "How out of it are you really? I have been pinching your shoulder since you came back from the bathroom."

4. Caller: "I'll have half of what she's having. Ino is tripping balls, sounds like she's been doing meth and weed for the last fourteen year. That's not just alcohol people!"

Robin: "Yes, what are you on, Ino?"

Ino: "I started fresh with some LSD, then my face melted that wasn't too fun. Made me sort of upset, so I had some weed to calm me down. Alcohol, lots of it, cocaine. Think I did some ecstasy and prescription drugs and right before I came here I was speedballing."

Howard: "Speedballing as in heroin and cocaine?!"

Ino: "NO! No, just kidding. I'm just weird. I'm really tired and wee tipsy.

Howard: "I've found out how we can find out just how drunk Ino is, I went and got a breathalyzer. So if you can just blow in it. Yeah, work it girl. Blow real hard. Wow, this is shocking. It's almost as if I have to ask you to do it again, it can't be right. 0.31"

Ino: "I like, stopped drinking about an hour ago."

Robin: "How much have you been drinking? She's just shrugging. This girl has no idea."

Howard: "This is amazing, from three and up its deadly. Unless you're a rock star of course."

Ino: "It's nothing. I can see my feet."

Howard: "It's okay guys, she can see her feet."

Ino: "It's nothing to worry about, I've been way worse. I have valium in my purse if things go bad, like acute alcohol withdrawal bad."

Robin: "You have drugs in case you drink too much? That's bad ass!"

Ino: "It's really fucked up if you ask me, but yeah."

Howard: "I guess it was a good thing if you black out you have it all recorded."

I did have a massive black out. Things had taken off from there. I had said that I hadn't been able to sleep with Julian that evening, that Deidara and Fabriola had gone. I said the worst things. I eventually fell asleep in the studio. I did not know how I got home. I did not know what had happened since I left the studio. I did not know where I was when I first wake up face down naked in a bed. I tried to keep calm. I wrapped some sheets around me and ran to find a bathroom. I almost threw up on Jules wife. I made it to some bathroom. She screamed at me. Jules came out from some other room. Said he had slept there. Everybody wondered why I was naked. I got dressed. Threw up when I got home and woke up the next morning. I was 28 when I woke up that day.


	43. Robbed

I chugged down a large bottle of water easily. I needed fluids. I needed to take it calm the next month. I was very sure that I was sober, but the room was spinning. I could hear someone moving around upstairs. I wasn't sure what time it was. I went up to see if it was the nanny, Neji. I still went with the male nanny idea. They needed a male figure to take care of them too. Their father might never know that they were his. It had been Neji, he was playing with the twins on the carpet. They had been getting really at crawling lately. It wouldn't be to long until they started walking and talking.

Neji got up and made a bow. I think he was Japanese or Chinese… something like that. He was super polite and it was freaking me out. "You know you don't have to do that." He excused himself and sat down again. He was sort of cute. He had muscles, but he didn't look too big. He was more or less very pale, his hair was long. He wasn't much of a talker, but he was nice to the kids. I wondered how much time he used to getting it to stand up in a ponytail like that. I had no idea, I had enough to worry about my own hair.

I noticed that I had become hungry. I told Neji that I would go and eat so and then he could have the day off. He had been working a lot lately. More than he figured he would I guess. Good thing I paid him extra when he was working on top of his flat salary. I ate some Swedish crisp bread with some tomatoes and cucumber. I don't think I could have done anything stronger. Not without wanting to throw up again.

Neji didn't seem upset when I came back. He told me that he had feed them three hours ago, so I wouldn't want to go too long without getting them something. I thanked him, he did another one of his bows and left. At least he wasn't calling me master anymore. That had felt wrong and been creepy beyond reason, he was just my employee. I decided to take the twins for a walk. We were more or less neighbors with Central Park. The twins seemed to enjoy it, laughing and smiling. I was enjoying it too. Spring was finally here, the sun was out. Spring never got too hot, it was just perfect. It seemed like it would be a perfect day.

I was standing in line to get the twins a smoothie when my phone called, it was Nick. "Glad to see that you're still alive," I responded with. There was a small laugh. "Not sure if I'm happy about that, major shit going on over here." I got slightly worried. "Somebody broke in, and I needed you to know this before it showed up somewhere." I didn't know what could affect me among Nicks stuff at home. It seemed like he dreaded saying this. "No matter what, it's not your fault that you got robbed. I can come over if you need me too." I tried to offer some comfort, it might have helped. "The sex tape, it's gone along with your tape from France." It wasn't such a wonderful spring day after all. "What kind of tape? I don't have that kind of tape." I couldn't think of any. "From Australia I think, we forgot to turn off the camera. I just wanted you to know." I thanked him. I didn't know what to think. I didn't know such a tape existed. We said good bye, I wished him luck catching that bastard. I was hoping he was caught before anyone watched the tapes.

I wanted to respond to the episode with drinking. I couldn't, I had promised Neji the day off. I would never drink with the twins present. I could do nothing except suffer. I didn't even know what had been on the tape. I didn't know what could be seen or not. "Hey, let's go see Itachi!" I don't think they knew who he was, they were too busy with their smoothies. I wish my life was that simple too. I couldn't change any of it, my life was what it was. They eventually finished drinking, with some of my help. I was hungry again, but I had lost my appetite.

Itachi was on the phone when I got there. He looked serious. I didn't want to interrupt him. His assistant told me I could wait in the hallway. I didn't mind. Itachi upset is never pleasant. I found some toys I had brought and played with the twins. I think they were getting bored of their toys, they must have outgrown them. I didn't know, I didn't know a thing anymore. I would pick up some new ones on the way home. They would turn one in a couple of weeks after all. Itachi had finished his calls, the assistant called him up and I got the clear to walk in. He looked frustrated. "I guess you have heard?" He had, he told me there was a bidding war on both tapes. There was nothing we could do but wait. Wait for it to come out. We could then play it in one out of two ways. I could lay low and refuse to talk about it, or I could pretend like I didn't care that they were out. This could harm my career or it could work in the other direction. Either way I didn't want to be known for having a sex tape, and not with Nick. He had finally found someone he loved. He was getting married, I felt bad for him. I didn't stay long with Itachi. He had told me that if we didn't see the tapes in a week we would be safe.

I didn't want to just go around and wait. I went over to Nick to see how he was doing. Sasuke and Jules had come over too. His place was messy, not too many things were missing. It seemed like whoever did this knew where he was. Sasuke had picked up Alexei and Nick picked up Anastasia. Both commented on how big they were getting. Nobody ever dared talking about Fabriola. She had been a slow grower; she was so small around this age. She had been so adorable; I was always having her close to me. She was gone now, she had left this world not properly knowing her mother who was so far away. I excused myself to go to the bathroom crying. I tried not thinking about them, but when I did things went wrong. I could not think about them in public and I shouldn't be allowed to do so when around friends. I checked my make up and went out. Claimed that my contact lens had gotten stuck, that's why my eyes were red.

Jules was just sitting there, saying nothing. Nick went through the list of things missing. It wasn't too much, the worst was his bass. It had been custom made, so hopefully it wouldn't be too hard to find it. Sasuke said he was hungry, asked if anyone else was too. We ordered in, Chinese. I warmed up some baby food for the twins. Nick wanted to feed them. He was the only one who didn't have kids in the group. Sasuke had told me that Jules and his wife were separating. She had moved out, they wanted to see how it went. Nothing was final yet, they just wanted to see how things would go. She had left him with their son. She didn't want to see him.

I didn't want to comment it, he hadn't told me personally yet, so to me it hadn't happened. To me he was just moping or being hung over. To me they were happy and okay. It helped a lot on the guilt I had been feeling. "So, Ino? How does it feel to maybe be next week's porn star?" Sasuke asked. I didn't know that he knew. I chocked on my food. Jules looked away out the window. "I'm just hoping I'll look better than Paris Hilton." We had a laugh, because we didn't know what else to do. There wasn't anything else to do. Both of them knew I had spent some nights with Nick, which was nothing new. That it had been taped was a surprise though. Sasuke had joked on asking how we had placed the camera, if the lights were on and if you could see something good. Nick had told him that the best way to make porn was to forget to turn off the camera when putting it on the night stand. He claimed not to have seen the tape himself. I couldn't help but to wonder why he hadn't destroyed it.

Jules had been quiet all day. He hadn't even finished his dinner. When he got up to leave I said I had to go too. I had to put the twins to bed so we could walk together. He seemed furious beyond reason by this. It seemed like he wanted to turn me down. The look he got from Sasuke told him that was no option. From what I knew he had only told Sasuke. I would pretend like I didn't know either, for both mine and Sasukes sake. "It's been nice outside today," I commented, he just hummed. "We went to central park today, and there were no rats to be seen. That sucked." I would keep on talking until he said something. I didn't want to give up. It took a while before he told me to shut the fuck up. It wasn't nice, but it offered some comfort. That he was talking. "How the hell could you even do that with him?!" Oh, he had not taken lightly on the film. I stopped. "I don't regret what I did, I was sad and upset at the time because of you." He looked mad a frustrated. "Because it's always me, isn't it?! I'm this horrible person!" I started walking again. "Far from it, you're one of the most wonderful persons I know." He didn't know how to react. He went into the closest bar without saying anything.

I walked home in silence and had time to think. Having the tape public wouldn't be too bad, would it? Yes, it would be horrible in the start, and then it would become one out of many movies out there. There wasn't anything I could do with it, if people really found any joy in it. It's not like I'm the only one having sex. I hadn't done anything wrong, I hadn't done anything to hurt anyone. Or I had, I had done it to hurt Jules, and now he was really upset, a few years too late.


	44. No Need to Sugar Coat it

Jules came crawling back to me that night, he wasn't drunk as I had suspected he would be. He was just still upset. I didn't know why he had showed up at my door, I couldn't even remember telling him where I had moved. He didn't speak to me at first. He found his way in, went over to the closest kitchen and got himself a glass of apple juice. I just followed him. I had been about to go to bed. I realized how far we had drifted from each other, that I didn't really know him anymore. I used to know him, I used to know everything about him like his silent shadow. That was before I had run away, so maybe it was my own fault. I couldn't blame him for what had happened anyway, I don't think it was anyone's fault. It had just happened, we had grown up. We had different experiences since we last were together. We had been shaped into different people.

I wasn't the same as him anymore, and he wasn't the same as me.

Different

I listened to him empty out the glass. Still nothing, still I couldn't leave him here alone. I wondered what he had wanted, why he had showed up here. He came out of nowhere; I would have never expected to see him again this day. I would have guessed he would stay at that bar until he got so drunk that they threw him out, but no. He was more or less sober and in my home. "Do you… Do you want a bed to sleep in?" Still there was no response from him. He filled his cup once again, he drank it ever so slowly. "I have to piss." I gave him directions to the bathroom. He went, his gaze only leaving me when he was in a different room. I didn't know what was going on, I just knew I didn't want to be a part of it. I didn't want to sneak around and keep secrets. I didn't want to be a part of his games.

"Would you be ashamed if it were us on the tape?" He was back. I hadn't heard him return, he scared me. I hadn't been thinking about it, I had tried not to think of the tape at all. I didn't want anyone to see it; it made me feel sick to my stomach. I had been cheating on Deidara, to me it had become a symbol of all the pain I had caused him. He didn't even know about me and Nick. To him it had only been me and Jules. To say I had been nice to him would be a bloody lie. To say that what I had done was right or even remotely okay would have been an even bigger lie. "I haven't been thinking about it. I'm not ashamed of anything that could be on tape. I'm just ashamed of what I did to the man who was at home waiting for me. I miss him, I had this grand plan that he would have a year or two to cool down. I could then come back and once again beg for mercy. Saying I hadn't had contact with you all this time. Say that I was ready to let him love me and I was ready to love only him. I would say that I would only love him and only be with him. I was ready to be a family again, to be a good influence on our children, to let him meet the twins, to be a perfect wife. I had to live with the fact that my living children never got to see their dad because I was too busy screwing other men." I took it one step beyond the tape. I took it to our past, all the stuff we should have never done. I dragged it up to the surface once again. I did not want to forget or pretend it never happened no matter how awful it was.

"He didn't think he was the father, not even when you told him. Said they didn't look anything like him. He meant they looked like something we could have come up with. He missed you, you know? He hated himself for what he had done, he had hurt you more than you had ever hurt him." I was shaking my head. Tears coming to the surface, I had hurt him so much more than he had ever hurt me. It was my fault that he had denied his children. I had been screwing with someone else. It was my own fault. He hadn't done anything I hadn't done to him. He was a saint for putting up with me for so long. "I've lost the man I loved and my child, but I haven't allowed myself to grieve. I haven't dealt with this yet, and I'm trying not to. I don't want to deal with it, I don't want it to be true." I don't think he was mad at me anymore. I don't know what he felt anymore. "So if I pretend that he's a different place like when I was in France it's okay. I went to see his grave. The second I saw it I was filled with immense emotions. Then I was left feeling nothing. It's like I've felt nothing since that day I came back. I've only felt hopelessness and anger. I don't want to be an angry person with no aim in life!"

I stormed out of the room. I was done with being sad, I was done with my fucked up life. I didn't know where to go or what to do. I used to have people for situations like this. Lately I have felt as alone as I ever have. It's this gnawing feeling that starts in your stomach, and like a ball of sandpaper works its way up to the back of your throat. You want to throw up, you want to scream and you want to cry. All you can do is to feel it, you can't do anything about it. You can only taste your own misery.

Jules had followed me. I think he came here to have a big blow out, to yell at me. He could not do that now, not when he saw how far down I had felled. Not when he didn't just read it in some magazine, he didn't hear it off someone who had talked to me. He saw it with his own eyes now, he saw once again how fragile I was. He knows my life story. He knew everything that had happened to. That didn't make me weaker, it gave me an advantage over him. He felt bad for me.

"I just want someone to give me a reason to stay when I have a million reasons to leave." No words, just a hug. Human contact. Close. Tempting. Heat. Intimate. Dangerous.

I wouldn't have to feel guilty for anything I did anymore. I wasn't in a relationship. I didn't have anyone to answer too. "For some reason I blame you for my broken marriage." I could see where it was coming from. I had helped ruining his marriage. I was to blame, and I would admit that. "If it hadn't been you, it would have been someone else." I broke off the hug and slapped him. "So I mean nothing to you? If that's how you feel I want you gone. You can leave at once." I looked away, listened at to the door that slammed. I hadn't expected anything like this happening. I swallowed and blamed it on the tape and he came here wanting to hurt me. It would save some of my pride. Things had gone from anger to seductive to pure anger again in no time. I went to bed that night contemplating the future. It didn't look brighter than what I could make it to.

The next morning Sasuke and Nick called me up wondering if I wanted to have lunch with them. I had missed our weekly lunch dates and immediately agreed. My good mood was broken thinking about last night. I didn't know what was going on with that man anymore. He couldn't be doing too well. No missed calls from Itachi told me that nobody had heard anything about the movie. It was almost as if I started getting my hope up that nobody would ever see it. It might be stupid of me, I was sure it would turn up and ruin my life sometime soon. If I believed in karma I would think I had been an awful person in my past life.

It was a grey day, no sun only clouds hanging above me. Like a thick blanket surrounding the people and everyone living in it. It fit my mood; I didn't feel like doing nothing while I was running a brush through my hair for god knows how long. My hair had grown long. I hadn't been paying enough attention to the way I looked anymore. I was not sure if I liked the person looking back at me. My cheeks were not as sunken as the used to be, the dull skin was gone. I still looked tired, as if I wasn't getting enough sleep. I hadn't been. Alcohol had started to become a part in my life again. A comforting friend, stabbing me in the back as soon as I leaned in for a soothing hug. I would admit it, I was on the verge of losing control once again. I needed something to distract me. Something new, something fun, someone perfect. For now I would settle with concealer to avoid pesky question about my health, diet and all that boring stuff concerning my life style.

I brought a jacket in case it would start raining, it didn't seem like it would. It was better to be safe than sorry. The temperature was good, not too hot or cold. I had decided that it would be a good day and I would be happy. I should be happy. Things were great. There was no drama going on, no relationships, no guilt, I should be happy. I found Nick and Sasuke on the outside of the restaurant. Both enjoying a cold beer, I would also order one before thinking about what I wanted to eat. I had woken up late and skipped breakfast. I was getting hungrier by the second, still I wasn't too keen on the idea of eating. It all seemed so tiresome and useless. I would have to eat again in a couple of hours again anyway. I wondered if things were going to be weird. With the tape and all, I think everyone knew something had happened between Nick and me. Now they had the evidence. Now they knew. I hadn't been thinking about the fact that people I know might be watching the tape in the future. I didn't want to think about it, it wouldn't make it to the public.

Nick was joking about how tired we with kids were, we could all tell he was afraid he was missing out. That he felt that he was getting older. Sasuke laughed and said he did the work, I responded that I had employed someone to do that. It felt natural again, to be with them to talk and to joke around. We still had some sensitive spots, we didn't talk about the one who was missing, we didn't talk about drugs and we didn't talk about the car accident. I was happy when left them. I had had a genuinely good time only drinking two beers. The clouds were still hanging just as thick.

My phone vibrated. I froze. It was Itachi. I cussed out loud on the street. It didn't have to be bad. It didn't have to mean anything awful. I said hi, he skipped that part. "Still pictures are out, and some magazine claims to have the tape. How do you want to deal with this? My phones have been going off like crazy." How to deal with it? I didn't want to deal with it. "It's not like I'm doing anything awful. I guess we can play it cool, like it's no big deal." I could hear phones ringing in the background. I ran the rest of the way home. I didn't feel good about any of this. I didn't know what pictures were out, I didn't know if someone really had the tape.

"Had fun?" I screamed and dropped my purse. Jules had found his way inside. "What the hell are you doing here? Can't you understand it's a fucking bad time and I don't want to see your appalling face?!" I was close to some sort of breakdown. The last days hadn't been easy, with this monkey finding its way inside my house didn't make things better. "I guess I deserve that… Saying those things yesterday, I've been going through a rough time." I screamed. "I have been going to a rough time, I've been through shit. I'm sorry your wife no longer wants to be married to you, I'm sorry you fucked that up. I am also sorry I don't want to listen to it, I have my own stuff going on." He smiled. "Yeah, the pictures. They blurred the good stuff out anyway." I went over to the living room and sat down. "How did you get in anyway?" He pointed up, must mean it was my nanny. That jerk.

Like many times in the past we found our self just sitting there, I counted leafs on the fresh flowers on the table. I didn't know what he was doing. It felt like he was watching me. "What happened? When did you start hating me?" I scuffed. I didn't hate him, I never could. "I love you, and I hate myself for it because you're an awful person." I didn't feel the need to sugar coat it. I said it as it was, all I wanted to do was to go upstairs and change. Plan my twins birthday party, they were growing up too fast. I didn't expect to have his lips planted on mine. They felt like the always have, round, soft and almost quivering.

It didn't matter that we broke in my new couch. There was no need for guilty feelings when he was thrusting inside me. I didn't bite my lip out of shame but pleasure. I did not see Deidara in Jules eyes when he was sweaty on top of me. He was in my heart, in my consciousness. I felt bad, it felt wrong and right at the same time. I had once again even after his death broken my promise to him, I couldn't help myself. I couldn't help my feelings. I tried to sooth things telling myself that he would have wanted me happy. I couldn't help but to think that he would have hated this. I was torn. I didn't say anything, I didn't do anything. I just lay there feeling dirty. It had all happened too fast without me thinking. He wasn't the awful person, I was. It was true, I hated myself for loving him.


	45. Dad

I could see how this one leaf was clinging on for its dear life in the wind. How it would rattle and shake every time the wind tried grabbing it. It was fall. Summer was gone. There would be no more sunny days with short dresses or skimpy outfits. Everything green would die out and snow would come to bury it. It was the circle of nature. It happened every single year, just now it seemed pointless and unexciting. Pointless like most things in my life, the same things would happen over and over again. Nothing new, never anything groundbreaking. Alexei had called me mother, he had also called the nanny mother and his plate of food as well. I would be confused too, if I was him. I wasn't how mothers were supposed to be, I wasn't there for them. I was always busy doing something else. Sometimes their screaming will give me headaches and I leave them. I'm a terrible mother.

I got up, I couldn't be sitting in the park all day feeling sorry for myself. It's not how things worked. I left the pond with ducks and green grass behind. I couldn't spend all day playing with the idea of living another life. Nothing good ever came out of it. I didn't enjoy spending much time outside of the house anymore, not after the pictures. Not after I started getting comments and people snickering at me. I didn't have the strength for it. I would have to go out and shop for the twins birthdays tomorrow. I had invited the band, Itachi and a bunch of guys I was sure wouldn't show up. I didn't want a big party; I didn't want a party at all. I couldn't blow it off, not their first birthday. I'm not that much of a ghastly mother.

Nothing else happened that day; it was almost a useless day. One I could have been without, one that could have been skipped without crying. Itachi had called saying he would be late if he made it at all. He was always working; I had been counting on it. I hadn't heard from Jules since that day I didn't know if would see him or not. I knew Nick would be there with his fiancé, Sasuke would be there. His wife was sick so she was going to stay home with the kids. They didn't want any fighting between the kids at the birthday party.

Baking a cake was the last thing I did before I went to bed that night. I had decorated it, baby blue and pink. Flowers on the top and stars around it. I was pleased, it looked good. I might have a taste, I like vanilla and lemon. It couldn't hurt having one slice. I would be prepared for it. I could skip having a drink with my breakfast. If I convinced myself that tomorrow would be great, it might just be a great day. With that idea my head hit the pillow and I was gone.

My alarm woke me up the next morning. The ringing vibrated deep inside my mind and filling my ears with shrieking pain. I rolled over to my stomach turning it off. The guests would arrive at two. I still had some hours to get ready, okay. I had three hours to get ready. I had ordered cupcakes that were supposed to be delivered an hour before the party. The nanny would also decorate just as I had told him, when the guests arrived he would have some hours off. I still had to take a shower and pick out a dress, do my makeup and hair. First I had to get out of bed, the warm cozy bed. I didn't want to.

It took me some time before I was on my feet. Pulling the curtains away a ray of sunshine hit me. It felt good, missing the heat of the bed. I yawned stretch, didn't feel like doing my morning gymnastics. I would do them later or triple tomorrow. I got in the shower; there was no point in waiting around and ending up stressing. The hard job started when I came out of the shower, I had to pick a dress. My closet was too big for my own good, I had too many dresses. A seemingly impossible task was made very easy when I spotted The Dress. My mind brought me back to another fall, high heels and feet that were killing me, champagne and dry jokes that made me run away. I had gone back to pick up my dress the day after I had seen Jules in Paris, I had have it altered since then. I had added a dangerously high split and dyed it black. Every girl should have at least one black dress. The silk fabric was still soft and comfortable to brush your hand over.

I decided on a pair of blue high heels much more comfortable than the ones wore with the dress last time. Diamonds and blue gems hanging from my ears and a heavy necklace with more diamonds and gems in white gold around my neck. I decided to leave my hair down and just curled it. I didn't want it to look like I was going to a gala. If I knew my guests right I would be painfully overdressed. I had gotten a baby tux for Alexei and a pink dress with a bow in the back for Anastasia. They looked great, they were so cute. Everything had to be perfect for my babies when their mother wasn't.

Everything was looking great downstairs. It looked and smelled clean, the table was set; there were some balloons here and there. The nanny had gone all out and even gotten party hats. He was sitting on the floor playing ball with the twins now. They were laughing having a great time. It made me happy to see them so pleased. They were the only good sturdy thing in my life. Without them I would have nothing. They were my life, and I would be a good mother for them, I would be there. The doorbell rang. I thanked the nanny for everything and he went upstairs to be out of the way. He did not complain about finally having some time off.

Nick and his model fiancé showed up first. He was wearing shabby jeans and a black shirt. She had put more effort in it. Tight black pencil skirt, white top with one ruffled shoulder, her lipstick in a soft pinkish red. Her platinum blond hair was done in some 50's fashion. "You did good, Nick!" She seemed shy, I shook her hand. Natalia was her name. I showed them inside. Nick went over to the twins. Natalia wasn't quite sure what to do, so she just smiled. "Are they your own?" She wasn't used to this; you're not supposed to ask anyone if your kids are biological. "Yeah, I have the stretch marks to prove it." She gave a small laugh. "So where's the dad?" Nick dropped the toy he was holding. That was the only sound in the apartment. Pure dread was plastered on Nicks face. Natalia knew she had fucked up. I wasn't sure how to respond. I knew I felt pain, I knew I was hurt, I didn't allow myself to feel it. I just excused myself and went to the bathroom.

I wanted to scream, I wanted to yell, hell I wanted to break the mirror so that I couldn't see this awful person looking at me. I did neither, I took a deep breath. I opened the closet and found three prescription pills and sat on the floor. There was a knock on the door. "Are you okay?" I sighed. "Yes, I'm okay. My ex husband is dead, the father of my children are dead. I know that, I can deal with that. I just needed some time to calm down, he isn't coming back. I can't change that, so there's nothing to be upset about." I got up and unlocked the door.

"It's in the past, it was silly of me to react in this way." It hadn't been, I had seen him. Or more like pasted him in the picture, behind the twins. I could envision him playing with them, ruffling their hair and carrying them around. It would never happen. He was gone, he would never see them, he would never be in any of their birthdays. "It's not like she knew, I'll apologize to her." He gave me a hug. I bit my lip to keep in my despair. "I told myself that this would be a good day, and it will be. I want everyone smiling on the birthday picture." I laughed and left him behind. I apologized to Natalia, she did the same and there was some more empty laughter.

We had to wait a couple of minutes before Sasuke rang the door bell. It made me feel so much better. The thing felt strained. It took me some while to figure out. She was the girlfriend, she wasn't in the tape. I was the one who had sex with her fiancé and recorded it. "Someone told me there was cake!" Sasuke greeted me with a hug and handed over the gifts. "Twins are the smartest thing ever, you only have to go gift shopping once and you do both children in once." Nick agreed, followed up with saying he wanted the double package too. Natalia looked uncomfortable. She made a living out of her body. She didn't want to ruin it.

The only one missing was Jules. I didn't know if he was coming or not. "He's… He's out of it, he's not doing so well," Sasuke told. Nick gave him a look, a look that told me they knew more about this than me. I didn't want to have any of it. I changed the subject, told them I had made a cake. They laughed not believing in me. Nick looked the most skeptic, like I had just told him I had minced a puppy and mixed it in the cake batter. They seemed impressed when I brought in the cake. I had to admit that I was satisfied myself. The twins sat at the end of the table. I guess one of the guys had decorated them with party hats. They looked adorable. "She called me mom phone!" Nick called out sounding quite honored.

We decided that it was very important to sing the birthday song before cutting the cake even if they had no idea what was going on. Nick and Sasuke each blew out a candle. It seemed like everyone liked the cake. Natalia seemed impressed after eating her microscopic piece of cake. The boys really stuffed their faces with everything on the table. I got out a bottle of sweet wine. They looked a bit skeptic once again until Sasuke blamed it on me being French. I was glad there wasn't anyone else at the party. I don't think I had the energy I would have needed to handled it. We had a good time, everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. Sasuke was glad to be away from his demanding sick wife and Nick seemed proud showing off his date. Everything seemed to be going the way it was supposed to. Nick and Sasuke started getting high on all the sugar and ended up wrestling on the floor.

"You're not the mean, arrogant bitch I feared you was," Natalie suddenly informed me. Once again I didn't know how to respond. "Trust me, I can still be the meanest bitch ever so play nice with Nick. Nick is special to me." She took a sip out of her wine glass. "That's why you slept with him?" If she was being upfront I was going to be too, "Yes." She seemed please with the honest response. "I'm fine with it, cheers to having had sex with Nick!" The last part she must have said loud. Nick stopped function in the middle of making Sasuke lick his knee. I guess being tall come in handy when whooping Sasuke's sweet behind. Both of us laughed at them. I got up and made the living room ready for people. The twins were playing on the floor waiting to be put in bed by Neji.

I had cracked open bottle number two. Natalie had to sit between Nick and Sasuke in some desperate attempt to make them stop picking on each other. She hadn't learnt that you couldn't stop those two; you just had to live with them. Living with them also meant dealing with stuff like this. "If people get hungry we can order food, or feel free to leave." I was getting hungry not having eaten yet. "No! No! I never want to leave! Don't make me!" Nick yelled clinging to the sofa. The small talk went on, we talked about anything from hairballs to wearing socks in sandals.

Suddenly another male had found his way into to living room. I looked up thinking it was Itachi just being late. It wasn't, it was the man I hadn't heard from in a couple of days. I hadn't heard from him since he lay on top of me naked, panting and smiling for once. By the looks of it he had spent those drinking, he was raving drunk and smelled. "So this is where you're all hiding, having fun without me?" He picked up the bottle from the table and drank straight from it. "NO! Quit your shit, you were invited to a children's birthday. I'm tired of your shit, go home and sleep!" Sasuke got up and yelled pointing fingers looking all stern. The tension was bulging. It looked like Jules was about to throw a punch, he was properly mad. "No! I was invited!" He threw the invitation on the table. It was dirty and crumpled up. I didn't know how to deal with this. "That doesn't mean that you have the right to be here when you're disgusting and drunk, stop putting Ino through this shit all the time! She doesn't deserve any of it!" Now it was Nick talking. They were well informed about everything going on from both sides. It was only me noticing Alexei grabbing the table pulling himself up. I smiled from ear to ear, I would not have if I knew what he was planning. Once on his feet he shot speed towards Jules screaming dad as he fell. The whole thing moved from tense to awkward.


	46. Blue Garnet

"Is this how things always ends?" Natalia asked unaffected. I wondered how Alexei could have picked up the word and connecting it to Jules. Dad was a word we didn't use in this house, not when their dad is gone. Alexei was crying, I got up and picked him up. "It could have been mine, all the times we were fucking." He had a smug smile on his face. "It's not an it, he's my son. I'm glad he's not yours right now." Looking into his eyes was intense. I started thinking about all the times we would run across the hall to get into each other's rooms, all the late night calls, how he had supported me through the rough times in my life, how he was the reason for everything I had in this world. Hell he was even the one who put me up with Deidara. What he was thinking I would never know.

Sasuke looked over at Nick, and Nick looked over at him. They both knew that this was turning out to be an Ino-Jules showdown. They still weren't sure if they needed to make sure no one would get hurt. I knew that, I didn't want them there. This had to be put to an end. I couldn't go on with my life never knowing where he would show up for a fight, trying to bring me down. "Weren't you guys leaving to go eat some pizza?" I turned around and gently asked them. I received a nod, as a good hostess I thanked them for coming and the gifts. Sasuke said they would find their own way out, Nick told me to call me if something happened. He didn't trust Jules, the look he gave before leaving confirmed that.

I wasn't sure what to say when they had left. Jules had become quiet, sat down in the sofa and continued drinking wine. I took his bottle. "Not in the presence of my children, get a grip!" He looked mad, it seemed like he was trying to give me the silent treatment. That wouldn't work on me, not when he was in my house. I called for the nanny; it was time for the twins to take a nap. I moved over to the dining room when they had been picked up. I had to clean up after the party. There were still lots of cake left. I would never eat it; I had set the table for six. It took one of the empty plates and cut a slice for Jules before putting the cake away.

He was still sitting there doing nothing when I was finished. He ate the cake I gave him, the whole situation was surrealistic. I didn't know what to do when he refused to speak. I put on a CD, The Wombats seemed awfully inappropriate at the time, but it was what I wanted to listen to. I made myself something to eat. I didn't bother to ask if he wanted any. Two can play this game, bitch. I wasn't going to be the first to break; he was going to have to speak first. After eating I sat for a while, listening to the music and waiting for him to break. It got boring, I found a book. He was just sitting there; I had to make sure he hadn't fallen asleep. Still nothing, he got up and went to the bathroom. He didn't sit down when he came back. "What are we? What is this?" I turned the page. "We're people; I don't know what this is." He was shaking his head; his eyes were gazed intensely on the carpet. Serious was written all over his face when we locked eyes. "It's not right, but it is now or never. And if I wait, how am I ever going to forgive myself?" It was a bad time, it wasn't right.

He fell on his knees in front of me. He, who had been nothing but terrible to me the last year. "I know it's a bad time, with you, with me getting separated." I terrified that he would continue, I knew where it was going. I was dreading he would go there. I would say yes, I would throw myself at him. I would take him to bed and never let him leave me. I was ready for us to try out what we had been feeling for years. I was ready to give it an honest, whole hearted shot. I was ready to call him my boyfriend; I was ready to hold his hand in public. I wouldn't let anyone ruin it for us. I was scared senseless.

"I know I haven't been nice, I am scared and hurt. I'm all alone, but I've always had you close. We had slipped away from each other, but you're always the one closest to my heart. I want to try this. I want it to be real, I've tried to forget you, I've tried to have you on the side, I've tried to replace you, I've tried to push you away, I want you to be the one and only one I have. You're always here for me and I want to have you by my side all the time. I guess what I am trying to say to you, Ino… Is that… Do you want to marry me, do you want to be my wife?"

That man was crazy. He had fished out a ring from his leather jacket. I didn't know what to do. It was more than I had hoped for. I jumped up, his eyes light up. It was too much. I needed to breathe, I needed air. I fled. I ran out. Too much. Too soon. Too heavy.

If he hadn't been such a jerk lately I would have said yes, I'm sure off it. I would think we were moving too fast. I didn't think I could do that now, things were different.

Sasuke, Nick and his girl was waiting outside my door eating pizza from a card box. I caught them by surprise. I didn't stop when they yelled for me. I didn't stop. I ran, I could hear someone running after me. Judging by the sounds it was Sasuke. It made sense, Nick was stronger incase Jules needed a punch. All those drunken nights had made running in heels natural to me, so was getting them off fast to avoid accidents. I was in better shape than Sasuke, still the dress slowed me down drastically. My dramatic run came to an end eventually. Sasuke was out of breath. "I need to be alone!" He hugged me, too tired to talk. We hugged for a while, earning ourselves some looks. "It's okay, we all knew the film would come out eventually. We came straight over when we heard to see how you were doing." I froze. "The film? It's out?" Sasuke tensed too. "That's not why you're upset?" Silent tears fell on his shoulders. Someone came over starting taking pictures of us, clearly paparazzi. "Can you walk me home, I want to go back and I…" He took my hand, I felt safer. He knew what I wanted, what I needed. Sasuke had always been the caring, sensitive one of us.

I had hoped the guys would still be there when we came back. As expected Nick and Natalia were still there. Nick, also as expected, had another go at the cake. What surprised me was that Jules was still around, I had hoped he would be. "I'm sorry I ran away." He had slumped down on the couch, resting his forehead on his hand looking down in his lap. He didn't seem pleased. I couldn't blame him. He had proposed and I ran like he had told me he had tortured, disfigured and killed everyone I had ever cared about and I was next. He looked up at me when I talked to him. There was both disappointment and hope in his eyes. "I accept, I mean yes." He looked surprised. "Are you sure? I saw your first reaction." I smiled, he returned the smile, I laughed, he laughed. Everyone else had no idea what was going on. He got up and walked over to me. He took out the box again. My heart skipped a beat. I felt bad for doing this, especially in front of my closest friends. They would say that this was a mistake. They would disapprove.

The ring was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen. It had a big round blue garnet stone in baby blue, surrounding it was deep pink almost purple smaller gems and at the edge there were white triangles with round edges. The ring itself was in white gold. It was so beautiful, light and cheerful. It promised a new and happy beginning. He slipped the ring on my finger, it was a perfect fit. I couldn't help to get lost in it. This had changed my life, this had started something new. I was thrilled, but at the same time it felt like I was doing a huge mistake. I tried to kiss him. To see if it felt better, to see if it felt real, to see if it felt right. It felt right, but it didn't remove the doubt inside me.

Sasuke seemed shocked, Natalia looked at Nick, Nick looked away. "So really? This is what you guys are doing?" Sasuke almost seemed mad. It was confirmed when he didn't wait for a response but left. Natalia looked at me and smiled. "This has been the most eventful birthday I've ever been to. Are your parties always this eventful? I want to go to more!" I couldn't help but to laugh. "Nick, control your bitch!" Jules yelled. Nick laughed. He didn't seem to think this was the worst that could have happened. They both congratulated us and told us that Sasuke would come around when the shock had left. We had won two people over, maybe things wouldn't be so bad. "I guess this will take some of the focus away from the bad stuff going on." Nick told and shrugged. Natalia wanted to look at my ring. I would say she was jealous, I would have been too. Blue Garnet had always been my favorite stone, I couldn't believe that Jules had remembered. I couldn't believe he had picked such a perfect ring. It felt odd having it over the ring Deidara had given me. I felt bad for moving on so fast.

It had been a long day, I was happy when Nick and Natalia had finally left. I needed to talk to Jules in private. We needed to talk about our relationship. I tried to bring it up, but he was also happy that we were alone. He was happy because of other reasons. He didn't want to talk, he wanted to do. I didn't resist him. I would pick engaged sex over relationship talk any day.

Things felt so strange the next day I woke up. I woke up alone. He had left, to where I didn't know. I didn't like it either. He would make me second guessing my yes the very next morning. Itachi had called, several times. I guess the movie had blown up. I didn't feel like dealing with it. I wanted to eat, I wanted breakfast. I wouldn't let anything break me down. This was going to be a good day. I had once again decided that it would be a good day. I got up, it had started getting cold. I made my move over to my make up table. I picked up my hair brush and started brushing my hair. I sat there for quite some while, mentally gone. I was almost in some trance. I eventually got up and picked out an outfit. I didn't really care what I would be wearing. I threw on some pants and a warm woolen sweater.

Downstairs the nanny Neji was playing with the children. He wouldn't meet my gaze and seemed to blush when I looked at him. I hadn't been thinking about this part. Where I would meet people I knew who had seen the tape. I wasn't sure how I should react. I froze up, I wasn't ready for this. I had to be. I couldn't hide forever, I couldn't go on living life like nothing ever happened. "Neji, I want you to leave for some fresh bread, even some croissants." He nodded. He didn't even want to speak to me. "I know you've seen me naked now, I want you to act normal and professional. I do not want to be reminded of my past doings in my own house. You have always been tolerable and helpful, I am very thankful for that. Just keep in mind that you're not irreplaceable." I would deal with this by turning into a cold bitch.


	47. Red, red roses

Days would pass. I became isolated in my room. I didn't want to face the real world. Jules had gone missing. To where no one knew. I would refuse to see my friends. I would refuse to take any calls, not even the ones from Itachi. I had become a recluse. Nobody had seen me. Everybody missed me. All for different reasons. Not anybody the right. I had taken off my ring. I had been left behind, and I would leave him. Like I wanted to leave everything. I wouldn't think the tape would hit me so hard. It wasn't the tape. Not the tape alone. It was human beings. Humans and their awful nature.

How many hadn't been waiting for me to fall. Looking forward to it, took joy in it. The media had a feeding frenchy. Picked up every ounce of dirt they could find on me. Plastered it on their covers. Lies, secrets and creative journalistic freedom went hand in hand. I would think me being in hiding would ease the focus somehow. It made it all worse. It made me all worse. I was used to being in the media. Still there would be some light in what they wrote. I didn't find it in any of what I had read. I didn't enjoy being called playful in bed, sexy, adventurous and definitely not a drunken sex goddess.

To me it represented everything bad in my life. That's what had gotten me so down in the first place. Then it was the media smacking me down to the ground. What had finally completely broken me was being alone. Deidara had died. He wasn't there to hold my hand and support me. He didn't comfort me or tell me everything would be fine. He was gone. I had nobody. Those who somewhat cared I had pushed away. I needed some time for myself. I needed to think. The world is a cruel place.

I had taken it as he was breaking up too when I read he was back with his wife. She had missed him, and he had missed me. I had become obsessed with anything anyone wrote about me. I needed to know everything. I needed to know what people were saying and thinking about me. I had expected this to kill me. I had expected this to be the final drop. It took me some days to process. It did something unexpected. I realized that I could not be hiding like this forever. I had to deal with the situation. I could never make up for my past. Everyone I owed it too had passed. I still had children. I loved them very much. I owed them to try. I had brought them to this place, I would make sure their stay was as comfortable as possible.

I tried taking baby steps. I would ease into a normal life again. I took showers; I wore pants and slowly started taking care of myself. Things were going to change. I was going to be okay. Everything was going to be okay. I tried calling Nick. I figured he was feeling guilty for my shape. It wasn't anything he had done, not purposely. I couldn't blame him. My next goal was to go outside. I hadn't been outside in ages. I didn't even know what date it was. I wouldn't let it bother me. I would go out and buy fresh flowers to put in the living room. I would do it myself, alone.

I had gotten up early to prepare. I didn't know what to expect from my trip. Who I would see, how people would react? I had put on my wedding ring again. I had made another promise to myself. I would never replace the ring Deidara gave me. I had been lucky to have him, but it was time for me to start my life without him. I had realized he would never come and save me, like it never could be me and Jules.

I had been sitting in the hallway for what had to be at least an hour. I was scared and uncertain. I would have to do it in my own pace, but it wouldn't be up to me once I went outside. I would have to relate and communicate with humans. It had been long since I had an episode like this. Right after I had moved to France. Sakura helped me through it. She believed in me, maybe it was time for me to believe in myself? I think it was.

It had become winter outside. The trees were naked, and people packed in winter clothes. Snow would fall soon. I wouldn't mind the snow. Snow is cold, wet and it sharpens your senses. I was packed in my coat, it had a high collar. It didn't hide me away like I had wanted. Trying to look on the bright side, the red wool kept me warm.

I wasn't sure where to go, I started walking around aimlessly. I knew I had gone out to buy flowers. I was terrified that someone would properly see me if I stopped. I panicked. I was breathing heavy. I slipped away in an ally. I knelt down and panted, rested my hands on my knees. Tears were threatening. I thought of all the wrong things. How I had rejected everyone I knew. That I was a horrible mother. That he was happy with his wife again. That I and the rest of the world were better off with me placing a bullet in my brain. I wouldn't give up. I wouldn't let them enjoy me falling that hard. I had gotten so far. I would get up. I would get flowers. I would have something pretty to look at in my home. I had no one to hold my hand. I would do this myself.

I was welcomed by a blinding light when I came out from the alley. Like a pack of hyenas flocking their pray. It was like a disco with the blitz constantly going off. People yelled questions. I didn't hear any of it. I was frozen. I just stood there a good minute. My head was blank. There was nothing going on. I was terrified. All the hysteria became background noise to my beating heart. I closed my eyes. Focused on my ever beating heart. I did not know what to do. I did not know how I was supposed to react. I wish I had been somewhere else. In a shared grave with my man and first born.

I started moving. They followed. Never giving up. Microphone in my face. No response. I stopped outside the first flower shop I found. One of the workers closed the door refusing anyone to enter with a camera. I picked out twenty one red roses and one that was white. As I was putting them in my purse I felt a familiar feeling. Instinctively I grabbed the counter easing my fall some as I fainted.

I woke up moving. I could hear the sirens on top of what had to be an ambulance. The heart monitor was hooked on my finger. I could feel it. It was the only thing I could feel except the drag in the back of my head.

Malnourished, dehydrated with a rapid heartbeat. That was my diagnose. I rolled around when the doctor came. I didn't want to talk to him. He would ask me if I had been using any drugs. If I needed some extra help. If I needed someone to take care of me. If I needed to be admitted to some clinic. I didn't want to tell him I hadn't been eating. Didn't want to tell him that I daily had gotten drunk all by myself sobbing for several weeks.

He did nothing of what I had expected. He released me with a prescription to some anti - anxiety medication and told me to take it easy. He had taken my medical history in account. They were large doses and many pills. I took a cab unnoticed and slipped inside. The nanny had been noticed that I had been in the hospital.

He got up when I entered. He was watching the children play on the floor. I told him I was fine. I just needed some rest. I downed about ten pills once I got on my room. I wanted to sleep.

I had gotten in a creative mode when I woke up. I spent days at end in my room. Writing, taking pills and drinking. The pills slowed down the world. Made everything calmer. I was calm. I was close to worriless.

I was still not talking to anyone. I knew they all were worried. I wasn't ready. I had proved that by going out. My hospitalization had caused grand reactions. People where starting to see that it was too much. I went from cheating slut everyone had seen having sex to the poor, bothered, chased maiden. I had stopped paying attention. I was in my happy bubble.

I stopped paying to the outside world all together.

Then I was done.

I stopped again.

I once again decided that I would meet the world. I called up Itachi. He was happy to hear that I was still alive. I asked him to get me on whatever talk show. I couldn't take this anymore. Itachi called me up and told me if I was very serious about this. I was. I had to promise to show. I had to promise to be sober. I had to promise to be eating. I had to promise to healthy. Most importantly I had to promise not to have a mental breakdown. He had gotten me on Ellen. There had been a cancelation. I had to be there in three days. I wanted to do that. I said yes.

I am sorry that updates are coming even slower than normal (ignoring the long break I had.) I just moved so I don't have that much spare time. I slept in a bed for the first time in 22 days last night, I just got the wifi running last week. I have one pan for cooking, just to let you guys know how horrible my life is, I don't have a TV either. So hard being me…


	48. It Went Great

California was hot. I enjoyed it. I had showed up the evening before. I had gotten up early. Taken some ant-anxiety pills and some shots. I needed it. She could ask me anything she wanted. I had found my way to the studio and was waiting back stage. I was calm. I wasn't sober. I had promised. I had broken. How could anyone expect anything else? I was a failure, built to disappoint. I lay down on the couch. Somebody had already been in and made me ready. Made me presentable to entertain and do tricks for the world to see. I had been put in a black peplum top, given a leather jacket with spikes, plastic leather was requested and a tan skirt. My shoes were high. Black and had a red flower by the ankle.

I was about to fall asleep when a worker knocked on the door and came in. It was time for me to come out. I straightened my top, checked if my hair bun was in order. I put my hair band on before leaving the room.

The room was bigger than I had expected. There were a lot of people there. As expected they started cheering when I walked out. I waved shyly. I was ready to pour my heart out in this place. I was ready for anything that might be coming. I never read the questions in advance.  
>I greeted Ellen with a double sided hug. "That's how you greet where you're from, right?" she asked me while I sat down. "No, not at all. We hardly hand shake among good friends in New York." People started laughing. I took a sip off my water. "It's good to see that you've been doing better." I nodded. "Yes, the fact that I brought my own flowers to the hospital got me on the fast track to recovery. Never underestimate the power of flowers. I think I got so focused on them that I forgot to breathe causing me to fainted." There were a few laughers again. "It happens to the best of us, it's hard to do two things at the same time. Holding things and breathing, I mean come on." Ellen looked over her cards. "It was actually a great way to get away from the paparazzi. You make one sex tape and suddenly the whole world wants a piece of me. What more do you want when you already have seen it all?" I brought it up for her. "Yes, because that's the latest we have heard from you?" It had been, I hadn't been doing anything else. "From what I remember that's correct." She looked down in her papers. "You didn't post this yourself, it was stolen and leaked?" I blinked at her. "That's what you think, nah. It was leaked. I knew about it, I was informed quit early. I was thinking through all this tactics for coping with it. I'm going to fight it, shrug it off, play it cool. What I ended up with was Oh my gosh, oh my gosh it's a human being and looking myself in my room!" Once again there was laughter. "I think it worked out well, the day after it was released it your name was the most searched for on Google. From what I have heard you look really good on film. I haven't watched it myself, I'm lesbian." I laughed. "It was with your band mate, Nick? Not your other band made that you have been accused of being involved with?" A picture of me kissing Nicks cheek came up behind us. "No, no. We were just still recently engaged. Then he was gone the next morning and we sort of haven't been talking since that? I don't really know. Technically we are still engaged, it's crazy. My Facebook profile read it's complicated." I shrugged and did some hand gestures. "You're engaged?!" I nodded. There was total silence in the room so I had to laugh some. "But you're wearing a wedding ring?" I looked down on my finger. "Yes, yes. It's a wedding ring." I could hear a few people gasp. "It's from my, it's from Deidara. It's, yeah. I wear it to remember all the bad things I've done and how far down I've been. I want to do right now, and he was the right one for me. He loved me, I had him and I messed it up." Ellen nodded. "Is it okay for you to talk about this now? Because he just disappeared suddenly, and nobody really knew why." I nodded; I didn't want to cry so I would try not to. "No, I was the one who disappeared. We didn't want to keep doing what we were up to. I went to France, because I had thing I needed to get over with there. He sent the divorce papers after a while. It took me a while, I signed the papers. That was after I had given birth to the twins. Then sometime later Jules showed up. He told me it was time to come back to New York. I didn't agree. Then he told me, that yes. That there had been an accident. That he hadn't made it neither had my daughter. I wouldn't let myself feel that. I kept it in; I was on the way down again. I was drinking and such. The tape really helped me in some way. It hit me; I was really alone in this world now." She wasn't looking in her papers anymore. "So he never got to meet his children, the twins?" I gave a short sad smile. "He, he never accepted them. He refused them, said they weren't his." There were some gasps in the audience again. "I can't blame him, the tape is proof of I did cheat. I would cheat all the time, constantly." I felt bad, but I wouldn't ruin Deidaras reputation. "He was sure it was yours and Nicks?" I shook my head. "Me and Jules. We are genius and so destructive together." It was true, everybody could figure that out. "I don't read tabloids, but you two have been linked together in a more than friendly ways for years. Have they been true?" I had to think about it. There had been so many times. "Yes and no. The tabloids doesn't know half of it, if they knew they would shit their pants. There have also been times when I had decided to quit cheating, and then the tabloids would write, Deidara would hear it and I was in trouble. It's always been back and forth." Her stare at me was intense. Not judging, more like shocked. "I am definitely over him now." She picked up her papers again, I smiled. "That is good, you should never be involved with somebody that is not good for you and brings out the worse in you." The audience cheered. "It's not that he is a bad person. It's just that we are awful together. Heroin isn't dangerous if you don't have the needle you need to use it." There were a few laughs "It's true! A fire needs something to burn on or else it's just hot." I raised my eyebrow. "Right, right. Like a wet towel without the wet." I made a face. "No, not at all. I quite enjoy wet towels; they are practical and do good." She nodded. "If you spill, you just wipe it off. I also really enjoy wet wipes, I often wipe down Portia." Now it was my time to nod. "Over to more cheerful go actually have a gift for you." Ellen got up and found a bag. "It looks awfully great, I love playing with bags me and my cat." She gave me a bag and I looked inside it. "Yes, I'm sure both you and your cat will fit inside of it." I gave up on the bag for a few seconds. "Yes, both me and my cat have perfected our diving technique." I finally opened my present. "It's knee and elbow pads." I took a good look on them. "I love them, but now I'll be falling face first." I pointed to the Ellen face that was one the pads. She thanked me for coming and wished me luck. I thanked her for having me. We did the obligatory hug, I waved and left.<p>

I was pleased, it went better than I had expected.

Hurray, a late Christmas gift from me to you, my bellowed readers. Hope you all had a great time.


End file.
